Strength in suicide?

[GentleJerk]

So I just got threatened by a maniac junkie wielding a huge bread knife after his young dog, who was not on a leash, ran up to my dogs while on our walk and they got into a fight.

It all happened so fast I barely had time to register what was going on. I had to use my bare hands to wrestle my dogs away and pin them down by the scruff on the back of their necks, while using my leg to push the junkie's dog away until he finally dived in to pick it up.

I saw one of my dogs land a couple of bites on his dogs side, but I didn't hear any yelping or see any blood- I was convinced that the worst had been avoided and there was no serious harm. I was asking him if his dog was OK and he just kept crying 'oh my god, oh my god' and jogged away carrying his dog. I felt awful, I couldn't believe what had just happened.

On my way back home, a car pulled up as I was leaving the park and that crazy junkie jumped out holding a huge bread knife. He was smashing the gate with a big stick and screaming about how he was going to slit my throat and kill both my dogs for hurting his girl. The strangest thing happened... As I was looking at this man, who was red in the face, frothing at the mouth, yelling and screaming about killing me and my dogs, holding this big stupid-ass looking knife... I felt completely calm and indifferent. I even had the strange urge to walk closer to him to, idk, maybe comfort him or something.

This junkie was pretty hell bent on being a psycho but I tried to give him my phone number and told him I will happily foot the vet bill, expressing concern for his dogs welfare. The commotion started drawing a small crowd as passersby stopped and cars pulled over to witness the confrontation, so eventually he got back in his car and sped off. People around were visibly shook, while I felt totally normal and almost serene.

This is the second time this has happened recently. It happened a few weeks ago when I was shopping with mum and some guy followed me out to the car park, threatening to kick my head in because he thought my mum was laughing at him (wtf right?) I'm pretty tall with a few tattoos so he was probably expecting to get into a punch-on, and I think my complete lack of any significant reaction threw him off I just stood there looking at him make a fool of himself while trying to talk some sense into the poor bloke, before he walked off cussing.

After making arrangements to end my own life, and also feeling like I might die at any moment due to health problems anyway- it seems like I just dgaf anymore and have some sort of immunity because, I'm already dead inside maybe? Not sure if that's the right way to put it. This big scary thing, death, that a person is trying to threaten me with, is something that I am already planning to give myself. Oddly enough, the only thing that has been scaring me recently is the thought of having to drink the N, leaving my daughter, or my mum dying. I didn't realise this change had occurred until days like today.

Anyone else dgaf anymore and it sometimes shows?

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it makes sense not to care so much as everything is meaningless. Nothing really does matter as eventually we will all die no matter what. Life is just one big distraction from death, it is a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it. However unfortunately I care too much, everything causes me to feel stressed and makes me feel worse. Even know nothing does matter, for many of us things can affect us in the short term. I wish you the best.

 

[Wrennie]

I totally get the feeling of no longer "giving a fuck". Granted, the only time I leave my house at this point is for doctor appointments, so I haven't had any crazy interpersonal interactions in a long time, but I'm so desensitized to everything at this stage in my life that I'm pretty positive I'd react in the same kind of fashion had I been thrust into that situation.

So sorry you had to deal with all of that craziness. It's a relief that your doggies are okay!

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

You handled that real well. You didn't give him the reaction he was looking for and because of that he ended up looking real bad as the crowd started to gather. I know we're all suicidal here but give yourself some credit, you did good.

 

[GentleJerk]

@LeavingForever I'm sorry things stress you out this way, with already so much to deal with its not fun I know. You remind me of another user FuneralCry and seem like a nice person. thanks, I wish you the best too

@Wrennie thats exactly right hehe you know things must be getting pretty real when a knife brandishing psycho is almost soothing compared to what else is happening yes the doggos are fine thank goodness but theyre lucky they don't get a bop on the nose with a roll of newspaper!

thank you @Feeding Pigeons I feel sorry for the guy he was pretty freaked out by what happened and obviously really upset and unstable. Well at least being suicidal has helped me in some way to handle things a little better than I might have in the past, and not stress the small (or even big) stuff.

 

[FuneralCry]

@LeavingForever I'm sorry things stress you out this way, with already so much to deal with its not fun I know. You remind me of another user FuneralCry and seem like a nice person. thanks, I wish you the best too

I was FuneralCry but I changed my username. It is not another user.

 

[Foresight]

Stories like these make me glad I don't leave my house. I've been in the shoes of the other person with my dog before. I was letting her out and I dropped her leash. My Italian greyhound ran to the sidewalk and side-kicked a husky. I was mortified. It embarrasses me. It's our responsibility to have our dogs under control. I'm surprised by people's ability to create conflict out of nothing. It was kind of hilarious in retrospect to watch an iggy use a husky for parkour. Shit happens.

I do love the side effect of being dead inside. In recovery I feel like I care about every little thing.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Wow, that is insane, glad you and the dogs are ok!! I would've been terrified of being stabbed, the pain would be excruciating. I am planning to go by N and it sounds like that would be the opposite, haha. It's really admirable that you were able to handle that situation so calmly and talk that guy down. I have found that the more I think about ctb, the more numb I feel to things in general- even the things that made me want to ctb in the first place don't hurt as much. I think I'm starting to get that none of it truly matters in the face of death. It's a very freeing feeling.

I was FuneralCry but I changed my username. It is not another user.

I immediately knew it was you, hehe

 

[D&D]

Once you truly agree to die ... death rewards you with the special kind of invincibility.
Sort of riding in the sunset with a middle finger in the air. Take that suckers!

 

[GentleJerk]

@LeavingForever I knew that!

@Hindsightis2020 is that her in the profile pic? that sounds like it was probably a love kick, She's adorable and has that kooky look in her eyes!

@dreadpirateroberts69 Thank you, yeah it all kind of happened in 3rd person like watching a movie. The dogs owner visited one of the houses who I gave my number to today, outside where the confrontation happened. They got in touch with me and I just paid their vet bill for $350. Only a few puncture wounds, no internal damage or serious injury, she will be on antibiotics for a few days. They are clearly still quite upset and I can understand that. Just wish there was something more I could do.

@D&D I love this, such a perfect description

 

[Hollowman]

The vet bill wasn't your responsibility his dog was off leash. That's nice of you though.

 

[GentleJerk]

The vet bill wasn't your responsibility his dog was off leash. That's nice of you though.

Thank you, I do take responsibility even though I think we were both to blame... It's my responsibility to control my dogs and I failed. His dog was actually friendly, but when it came too close my younger dog she flipped out, somehow maneuvering backwards and eventually slipping out of her collar. After she got loose, I lost control of my older dog as I tried to break up the fight. My older dog is usually gentle but got triggered by the chaos. My dogs caused injuries, and neither received any injury.

It was a messed up situation that I did not see coming and I wish it didn't happen. Even though I tried to make things right, the damage is done- When I paid the vet bill today I spoke to someone who I assume is the guy's gf, clearly feelings are still very much hurt. I'm going to need to buy muzzles and proper harnesses for my dogs now, and I have the feeling that I will need to watch my back when I walk around my hood from now on.

 

[Chronicillness]

I've had similar experiences where my suicidality was put to the test, but with meth-heads.

There was a night where I was dope sick several years back, and my heroin dealer at the time wasn't answering his phone, so I did what any other dope fiend would do at the time: walk into neighborhoods suffering from abject destitution and cold approach the skulking junkies that aimlessly roam the streets at night.

Long story short, I was brought up to an apartment door where I was told to wait outside. I sat down to answer one of my text messages, then before I could slam my flip phone shut, I had a knife in my face.

The surprise knife in my face immediately jacked up my adrenaline, and then all of a sudden, before managing to get a single thought off, I started running away like an Olympic runner who's running for his last chance at a gold medal. I ran across the street without looking either left or right. I ended up sliding down into a ditch and involuntarily somersaulted into a pile of mud.

The meth heads caught up to me and started punting my face in like a football. Shortly thereafter, they sat me up, and then placed the knife's sharp edge around my neck and told me to give up the money that I had came to buy dope with. I of course obliged to their demands. I didn't just oblige, I begged, pleaded and sobbed for my life. I was shooting tears out of my eyes while giving their boots a blowjob, all in the efforts to save my insufferable life.

This very night, while walking around looking for a dope fiend to cop a sack off of, I had considered jumping in front of a semi-truck. I went from actively suicidal while also in a very vulnerable state of mind (opioid withdrawal), to: "please i'll do anything and everything, just spare me of my pathetic life, master!" all within a very short time span.

I realize your situation was a bit different. There was some distance between you and the crazed junkie, so you had some space to think and plot your next action, which could have been to offer yourself up to the crazed junkie for a frenzied slice-and-dice, but the point of my post, is that when we are close—but still slightly distant from a deadly situation, we can feel that boldness and courage to suicide arise; however, on the flip-side, when death approaches with the element of surprise and spontaneity attached to it, then that "boldness" immediately becomes an equally intense deployment of self-preservation action.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Thank you, I do take responsibility even though I think we were both to blame... It's my responsibility to control my dogs and I failed. His dog was actually friendly, but when it came too close my younger dog she flipped out, somehow maneuvering backwards and eventually slipping out of her collar. After she got loose, I lost control of my older dog as I tried to break up the fight. My older dog is usually gentle but got triggered by the chaos. My dogs caused injuries, and neither received any injury.

It was a messed up situation that I did not see coming and I wish it didn't happen. Even though I tried to make things right, the damage is done- When I paid the vet bill today I spoke to someone who I assume is the guy's gf, clearly feelings are still very much hurt. I'm going to need to buy muzzles and proper harnesses for my dogs now, and I have the feeling that I will need to watch my back when I walk around my hood from now on.

Thats big of you. Not a lot of people would be so upfront about taking responsibility over a freak accident. That is awful though that you feel that you're gonna have to be hypervigilant. Nothing is worse than just trying to chill outside and having to have your head on a swivel.

 

[GentleJerk]

damn @Chronicillness that sounds really scary and messed up. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! What scumballs, you can have a drug habit without being a total scumball. Of course anybody would be frightened in that situation, that's a bloody nightmare. This guy was definitely a meth head too, over here heroin hasn't been big since the 90's so when we talk about a junky it almost always means a meth head.

The last thing I would want is to be diced up, and I still had the capacity to be aware of the imminent danger, I still would have tried running away to avoid injury if that knife came at me and I needed to flee... if I started getting slashed up or kicked about I would have been fighting for my life no doubt. I wasn't heroically bold and stone-faced like an unarmed Steven Segal in a room full of armed bad guys from one of his cheesy action flicks. But it all happened without the usual alarm and panic response, the analytical part of my mind took over, almost as if I have burned out my own ability to properly produce that normal panic response because of being constantly stressed out lately, like I'm going to die any second and I have a gun pointed at my head 24/7 unless I'm sleeping. It wasn't normal and I could tell it was because of my new everyday suicidal reality.

@Feeding Pigeons cheers my friend, I appreciate it.. Yep Its definitely not fun wondering whether or not I'm going be safe If I go out for a simple walk.

 

[Chronicillness]

damn @Chronicillness that sounds really scary and messed up. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! What scumballs, you can have a drug habit without being a total scumball. Of course anybody would be frightened in that situation, that's a bloody nightmare. This guy was definitely a meth head too, over here heroin hasn't been big since the 90's so when we talk about a junky it almost always means a meth head.

The last thing I would want is to be diced up, and I still had the capacity to be aware of the imminent danger, I still would have tried running away to avoid injury if that knife came at me and I needed to flee... if I started getting slashed up or kicked about I would have been fighting for my life no doubt. I wasn't heroically bold and stone-faced like an unarmed Steven Segal in a room full of armed bad guys from one of his cheesy action flicks. But it all happened without the usual alarm and panic response, the analytical part of my mind took over, almost as if I have burned out my own ability to properly produce that normal panic response because of being constantly stressed out lately, like I'm going to die any second and I have a gun pointed at my head 24/7 unless I'm sleeping. It wasn't normal and I could tell it was because of my new everyday suicidal reality.

@Feeding Pigeons cheers my friend, I appreciate it.. Yep Its definitely not fun wondering whether or not I'm going be safe If I go out for a simple walk.

Thanks for your compassion, friend. I got over that specific event in my life pretty quickly, though . Those were actually some of the best days of my life, even though I was still actively suicidal at the time, heroin was the best cope to ever had made entrance into my life. When I reminisce on my life's memory-reels, I always think of the times that I was on heroin. Those are my good memories. It sounds sad, but back then, there was at least a 50/50 balance between suicidality and pleasure, instead of my life now, where things are exponentially worse, and I am suicidal 99% of the time.

I've been purposely exposing myself to dangerous situations, opening myself up to heartbreak, and taking other major risks in my life recently. I think in a way I am definitely feeling similar to how you were feeling when you were in front of that junkie; I'm more open to approaching danger, not necessarily because I want to endure catastrophic harm, but because I am dying already with nothing to lose, and since the good times have long past me, all that's left now, is to feel fear and exhilaration as I get ever closer and closer to my life's final epilogue.

I think your approach to quelling fear is sane and commendable. We must exercise our fear-handling faculties, all so that we can be adequately prepared for when we decide it's time to CTB.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Must be nice to appear physically intimidating. No, I'm most definitely not jealous of your genetics and resentful of mine, pfft.

 

[GentleJerk]

Must be nice to appear physically intimidating. No, I'm most definitely not jealous of your genetics and resentful of mine, pfft.

Nah not even I'm not intimidating looking. And if youre referring to knife-dude, people like that try to act intimidating but I see right through it. if he was actually a tough-guy he would have smashed me right there on the spot, instead of running back home and grabbing a knife like a coward. He was trying to act scary because he's actually weak, even with a weapon. Plus it was one of those serrated bread knives, I don't think it could have even done much damage, so he was clearly just emotional, an idiot with no real cajones.

And looks don't mean much anyway. One of my good friends was always picked on back in highschool for having this really long blonde hair and being a skinny skater boy... But he always won any fight he got into, even against a group of 3 one time.