Strange paradox - when I'm depressed my early death seems so tragic / when I'm mentally stable I'm much more OK with it...

[Pain In The Ass]

I suffer with chronic pain, so whether I'm feeling depressed or not doesn't affect my desire to CTB - that is entirely dependent on the physical pain I'm in...

If I induce a state of true depression, through abusing cocaine or oxy and then withdrawing, or through not sleeping well, CTB and dying years before I expected to, without achieving what I wanted to, seems like such a tragedy, I'm literally crying on and off all day...

But if I go through a period of eating and sleeping well, and avoid drugs, so I'm fairly mentally stable, CTB doesn't seem like such a big deal!

Anyone else feel this way? That the key to dampening SI is to keep yourself physically and mentally healthy, avoid drugs, sleep well, look after yourself and stay mentally stable etc? I imagine this only really applies to people who are planning to CTB for reasons other than mental health.

 

[georgecostanza]

Same here. I love to ruminate about suicide when my life is comfortable. When things get actually ugly be it healthwise or financially or romantically or whatever then suicide seems very unappealing, yet, strangely more realistic due to being in a situation where suicide might be considered as a way out. I really like going to bed, having vaped a little bit of weed, feeling this numb drowsiness lying comfortably in my bed, no unpleasant sensations - and then imagining killing myself and experiencing what I imagine it would feel like having my conciousness slowly slip away ...

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Same here. I love to ruminate about suicide when my life is comfortable. When things get actually ugly be it healthwise or financially or romantically or whatever then suicide seems very unappealing, yet, strangely more realistic due to being in a situation where suicide might be considered as a way out. I really like going to bed, having vaped a little bit of weed, feeling this numb drowsiness lying comfortably in my bed, no unpleasant sensations - and then imagining killing myself and experiencing what I imagine it would feel like having my conciousness slowly slip away ...

it's a bitch though, because it would be so much nicer if it was the other way around, so when I'm depressed I don't care about dying - apparently depression used to sometimes be called the nostalgia disease, and this is what it does to me, it makes CTB seem like a huge tragedy, and I just want to go back to the past when I still had hope for the future and still felt like things were possible - depression makes me feel like I wasted my life, but when I'm mentally stable the very same circumstances can seem like no big deal - I just wish it was the other way around!

 

[Sunset Limited]

I definitely feel you. When I'm depressed, the thought of suicide scares me. When I feel strong, I feel that I can easily CTB. I know when it's time for CTB my SI will try to stop me and I will be scared but I have the motivation to do CTB. I think about my whole life. How I became a spectator in this life that I came to live. The bullying against me and my awful parents. Anger is the strongest of all. CTB is a black winged angel who will save me. I will use my anger as motivation for CTB.

 

[needforvoid_]

Samee. Only diet, sleep and all that don't effect me, I have some childhood triggers, it's weird, but when depression is off, killing myself seems easy breezy, no regrets. When I'm depressed, I grieve so much like it's a tragedy.

 

[Brianiskillingme]

I am suicidal when depressed or having a borderline episode. However, when I am feeling ok I dont actively plan suicide, BUT I still research without solid plans.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I am suicidal when depressed or having a borderline episode. However, when I am feeling ok I dont actively plan suicide, BUT I still research without solid plans.

That's probably the difference between us then, and could be used to differentiate between different types of users on here - my feeling the need for CTB is down to physical pain only - depressed or not, I'm still in pain and feel I can't cope with the physical disability hindering my psychological desires, ambitions, goals, etc - whereas your desire to CTB seems directly connected to how depressed you are - something like that! My feeling the need to CTB is always there as long as the pain is there, but feeling depressed just makes CTB feel more horrendous and tragic

Samee. Only diet, sleep and all that don't effect me, I have some childhood triggers, it's weird, but when depression is off, killing myself seems easy breezy, no regrets. When I'm depressed, I grieve so much like it's a tragedy.

Yeah, depression causes this deeply disturbing, nostalgic, melancholic, feeling that I've wasted my one and only life, and it is the most epic, tragic, masochistic waste of a life.

But when I've slept well, been off recreational drugs for 2 weeks, been eating well, avoiding sugary foods that I know cause mood fluctuations, and walking for 2 hours every day, I'm still in physical pain, but it's not half as bad, and I generally feel like hanging myself whilst almost ODing on Oxy and Xan would be a fairly easy thing to carry out, or being told I have a terminal illness would be a breeze, a godsend!

Depression makes me care more about survival than mental stability does. It's almost like rationally, logically, and with sanity, I realize that living your life as a slave, and then waiting for God to strike you down when you're 85 and wearing nappies in a care home, is quite ridiculous, and I don't mind getting an early exit from all that. But depression deludes me into thinking it all really matters whether I get what I want and become happy for the last 20 years of my life.

It would actually make my death easier to kill myself when I'm feeling stable and positive, however much I don't feel the need to at that point!

 

[FractalTears]

Same for me, thats why i will try to ctb when i feel somewhat okay.

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

yeah its normal , i have bouts where im extremely suicidal and actively seek methods and wish to die then and there.

then at other times i feel ok let me live and i plan for the future.

I wonder which self will win. right now i feel 50/50.

but anything could trigger me.

 

[tiyijinn]

Same. I guess when I feel like crap I'm more inclined to be emotional, which makes me scared.

 

[Rational man]

Physical pain can be soul.destroying too. Intractable belly pain which pain relief is minimal. I just want peace and freedom from pain. I want to go back to before I was born, my natural state of NOTHINGNESS. I feel your pain.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Same. I guess when I feel like crap I'm more inclined to be emotional, which makes me scared.

Put simply, that's it!