DaughterOfAthena
Member
- May 30, 2021
- 22
Hi everyone before I begin I guess I should share a little about myself. I am a transwoman with PTSD and MDD because of childhood trauma. I've been transitioning for two and half years now. I've had previous attempts on my life and have been hospitalized before but this is so much worse than those times.
Lately I've been feeling so much worse with my dysphoria it wasn't a cake walk all of my before either but recent times it is too much to bear. I hate myself because I have never been in the right body. It's not my body and it never will be. I feel like it's a cruel joke. The person I see in the mirror isn't me. Then my boyfriend of three and a half years broke up with me while knowing I was in a struggling state. I love him so much and I tried my best to be the best girlfriend I could. He has been the most supportive person in my entire life and when with him I genuinely feel happy something I never had before. Please don't think ill of him he is a great guy and while he knew I was struggling he never thought it would lead to this.
I decided to call my therapist for an emergency call because I knew I was going to attempt and he recommended me to a specific hospital and I trusted him like I trusted my therapist a lot. He said its where he would choose to go if it were him. So I did it after all it was pretty clear that at this point and what I expressed to him I didn't really have much choice so may as well try the 'good' place right? I couldn't have been so much more wrong. To get in there my only option was to go to the hospital ER. Where I was brought into the ER's version of the mental wing. Again I cannot stress this enough I am a trans woman and obviously a trans woman. They brought me to the men's wing and put me in an open room which anyone could walk into anytime that was also shared with two other people. The tension started immediately. Even if you reading this don't think I should go to the women's wing for any reason this was still senseless as they had plenty of unused rooms for one. Naturally some confrontations with other patients arose without me doing anything to start it.
So eventually I get transferred to the place I actually aimed to go to. Things still were terrible. I was given the absolute last room before the hallway which started the more violent and unruly patients began. Naturally this makes them constantly want to get out and the only way is through my path. Not even a door stopping them literally just a single person sometimes a small nurse sitting in a chair. Not only did I not feel safe but I obviously was not safe. I faced obvious discriminations from some staff and fellow patients alike. My 1 on 1 sessions lasted about 5 minutes each weekday and weren't anything near what I would ever call therapy. One time I basically begged for them to at-least try to give me at-least resources on how to treat my dysphoria and still got nothing. So I just began to lie to get myself out claiming that I no longer had thoughts of harming myself and greatly downplayed my depression on their 1-10 scale. It worked and I got released after eight days. I am genuinely safer now despite actively wanting to end my life than I was there and that is no exaggeration. I am never seeking help again ever after my experience. The previous hospitalizations I had prior were no picnic but being publicly out and seeking help is like running into a minefield for safety. Never again.
My ex likely out of pity or maybe guilt tried to get back with me. I do love him still more than anything but I just can't go on anymore. He oddly just sort of like declared it too like it was official on his word of being together. Yesterday night though I guess I sort of broke up with him something I never thought I'd ever do. Not because I don't want to be with him or love him dearly but I am trying to push him away. I accidently let it slip my plan to take an Uber soon to a specific large and high bridge soon and jump. He doesn't seem to have told anyone else or anything yet so the plan is still going to go forward soon. I expressed to him in a more raw manner than ever before about my current feelings about myself and being trans. It feels like my existence is a mistake that I shouldn't be and don't have a right to be. People seem to hate us widely just google trans man/woman attacked and look at the results look how its never ending with constant dates from the present to years and years ago. The treatment publicly... the treatment of places that are suppose to help any and all people. It's clear that people don't want us to exist and it's not exactly like we are too thrilled with our lives either. I have come to realize that it would just be better if we all just died.
I tried to give my ex a little advice if he ever goes with another trans woman again and that's to not hide the relationship like some dirty secret. He asked me if this was the reason for me wanting to die but it's not and even though I told him no and why I still feel like he probably thinks this is why. I know this makes him sound like a chaser but he's not. I know its because of his own personal insecurities and his fears of how his family and possibly others will view and treat him. I don't blame him after all I hid both liking men and being trans for most of my life. I was even once married to a woman and tried to pretend to be the plain and normal cis hetero male which was just miserable. But it still hurts to be someone's shameful secret when you love them so much and you know they love you too. But again that's not why, I'd rather deal with that and him be happy. I hope he finds someone that makes him happy he is really is the best person I ever met in my life.
I don't want to live anymore, I feel like my entire existence is a mistake. If I die then at-least I either stop existing or maybe there is an afterlife and maybe I will finally be given the body I was suppose to have. Both are better than this.
Lately I've been feeling so much worse with my dysphoria it wasn't a cake walk all of my before either but recent times it is too much to bear. I hate myself because I have never been in the right body. It's not my body and it never will be. I feel like it's a cruel joke. The person I see in the mirror isn't me. Then my boyfriend of three and a half years broke up with me while knowing I was in a struggling state. I love him so much and I tried my best to be the best girlfriend I could. He has been the most supportive person in my entire life and when with him I genuinely feel happy something I never had before. Please don't think ill of him he is a great guy and while he knew I was struggling he never thought it would lead to this.
I decided to call my therapist for an emergency call because I knew I was going to attempt and he recommended me to a specific hospital and I trusted him like I trusted my therapist a lot. He said its where he would choose to go if it were him. So I did it after all it was pretty clear that at this point and what I expressed to him I didn't really have much choice so may as well try the 'good' place right? I couldn't have been so much more wrong. To get in there my only option was to go to the hospital ER. Where I was brought into the ER's version of the mental wing. Again I cannot stress this enough I am a trans woman and obviously a trans woman. They brought me to the men's wing and put me in an open room which anyone could walk into anytime that was also shared with two other people. The tension started immediately. Even if you reading this don't think I should go to the women's wing for any reason this was still senseless as they had plenty of unused rooms for one. Naturally some confrontations with other patients arose without me doing anything to start it.
So eventually I get transferred to the place I actually aimed to go to. Things still were terrible. I was given the absolute last room before the hallway which started the more violent and unruly patients began. Naturally this makes them constantly want to get out and the only way is through my path. Not even a door stopping them literally just a single person sometimes a small nurse sitting in a chair. Not only did I not feel safe but I obviously was not safe. I faced obvious discriminations from some staff and fellow patients alike. My 1 on 1 sessions lasted about 5 minutes each weekday and weren't anything near what I would ever call therapy. One time I basically begged for them to at-least try to give me at-least resources on how to treat my dysphoria and still got nothing. So I just began to lie to get myself out claiming that I no longer had thoughts of harming myself and greatly downplayed my depression on their 1-10 scale. It worked and I got released after eight days. I am genuinely safer now despite actively wanting to end my life than I was there and that is no exaggeration. I am never seeking help again ever after my experience. The previous hospitalizations I had prior were no picnic but being publicly out and seeking help is like running into a minefield for safety. Never again.
My ex likely out of pity or maybe guilt tried to get back with me. I do love him still more than anything but I just can't go on anymore. He oddly just sort of like declared it too like it was official on his word of being together. Yesterday night though I guess I sort of broke up with him something I never thought I'd ever do. Not because I don't want to be with him or love him dearly but I am trying to push him away. I accidently let it slip my plan to take an Uber soon to a specific large and high bridge soon and jump. He doesn't seem to have told anyone else or anything yet so the plan is still going to go forward soon. I expressed to him in a more raw manner than ever before about my current feelings about myself and being trans. It feels like my existence is a mistake that I shouldn't be and don't have a right to be. People seem to hate us widely just google trans man/woman attacked and look at the results look how its never ending with constant dates from the present to years and years ago. The treatment publicly... the treatment of places that are suppose to help any and all people. It's clear that people don't want us to exist and it's not exactly like we are too thrilled with our lives either. I have come to realize that it would just be better if we all just died.
I tried to give my ex a little advice if he ever goes with another trans woman again and that's to not hide the relationship like some dirty secret. He asked me if this was the reason for me wanting to die but it's not and even though I told him no and why I still feel like he probably thinks this is why. I know this makes him sound like a chaser but he's not. I know its because of his own personal insecurities and his fears of how his family and possibly others will view and treat him. I don't blame him after all I hid both liking men and being trans for most of my life. I was even once married to a woman and tried to pretend to be the plain and normal cis hetero male which was just miserable. But it still hurts to be someone's shameful secret when you love them so much and you know they love you too. But again that's not why, I'd rather deal with that and him be happy. I hope he finds someone that makes him happy he is really is the best person I ever met in my life.
I don't want to live anymore, I feel like my entire existence is a mistake. If I die then at-least I either stop existing or maybe there is an afterlife and maybe I will finally be given the body I was suppose to have. Both are better than this.
