silenteternity4
Member
- Feb 28, 2026
- 29
I can't do this anymore, and it's only going to get worse. I feel like if I don't do it tonight, I'll just end up starving to death on the street after my parents die and can no longer support me. That's how I see my future, unless somehow I receive social support decades from now, so that i could live until old age, which I honestly doubt.
I'm 24 years old. I'm a NEET and a hikikomori (basically unemployed recluse) and I don't have the strength to change, despite my overwhelming desire to have a life worth living, a life with even just a small amount of beauty instead of the constant horror I'm experiencing. I'm basically an inmate serving a life sentence because i will never change.
On top of that, I have schizophrenia and experience psychosis. It started about a year ago, after around four and a half years of isolation, when I began hearing a voice in my head that I believed was God. I started seeing signs and messages from the divine everywhere, and I became deeply delusional.
I believed I had been given the worst hand in life as a test from God. I thought I had a great mission. I started making YouTube videos to help people with life and religion, convinced they would become popular.
One day my mom bought me a pair of pajamas with a design that reminded me of the American flag. I took it as a sign that after becoming famous on YouTube, I would eventually become President of the United States in my forties. Looking back, those were huge delusions, but I genuinely believed them because I felt I had been given the worst possible life for a reason.
I even confessed my feelings to a random girl I had added online because I believed she was meant to become my wife. Unsurprisingly, she eventually blocked me because of how I was acting and the things I was saying.
I lived in those delusions for months. I thought social media posts and Bible verses that randomly came into my mind were messages directed specifically at me, which is still happening.
When I realized that none of what I imagined was going to happen, I started believing that God didn't exist. More recently, though, new Bible verses have come into my mind, making me wonder if it was all some cruel joke from the divine and whether I might actually be the Antichrist.
Even when I was delusional before, I believed there was evil inside me, but I thought it was part of God's plan that I contained both good and evil. Now I don't know whether I'm genuinely evil or whether my circumstances have shaped me.
So on top of serving a life sentence in isolation while desperately wanting to experience life, which is torture in itself because I'm someone who longs for connection, I'm haunted by thoughts that I might be the Antichrist and that I'll go to hell. That terrifies me more than anything.
My suffering feels so unusual that I can't imagine anyone else understanding it. I feel completely alone in the world, and it's an awful feeling.
I feel horrible, and that will never change.
I'm 24 years old. I'm a NEET and a hikikomori (basically unemployed recluse) and I don't have the strength to change, despite my overwhelming desire to have a life worth living, a life with even just a small amount of beauty instead of the constant horror I'm experiencing. I'm basically an inmate serving a life sentence because i will never change.
On top of that, I have schizophrenia and experience psychosis. It started about a year ago, after around four and a half years of isolation, when I began hearing a voice in my head that I believed was God. I started seeing signs and messages from the divine everywhere, and I became deeply delusional.
I believed I had been given the worst hand in life as a test from God. I thought I had a great mission. I started making YouTube videos to help people with life and religion, convinced they would become popular.
One day my mom bought me a pair of pajamas with a design that reminded me of the American flag. I took it as a sign that after becoming famous on YouTube, I would eventually become President of the United States in my forties. Looking back, those were huge delusions, but I genuinely believed them because I felt I had been given the worst possible life for a reason.
I even confessed my feelings to a random girl I had added online because I believed she was meant to become my wife. Unsurprisingly, she eventually blocked me because of how I was acting and the things I was saying.
I lived in those delusions for months. I thought social media posts and Bible verses that randomly came into my mind were messages directed specifically at me, which is still happening.
When I realized that none of what I imagined was going to happen, I started believing that God didn't exist. More recently, though, new Bible verses have come into my mind, making me wonder if it was all some cruel joke from the divine and whether I might actually be the Antichrist.
Even when I was delusional before, I believed there was evil inside me, but I thought it was part of God's plan that I contained both good and evil. Now I don't know whether I'm genuinely evil or whether my circumstances have shaped me.
So on top of serving a life sentence in isolation while desperately wanting to experience life, which is torture in itself because I'm someone who longs for connection, I'm haunted by thoughts that I might be the Antichrist and that I'll go to hell. That terrifies me more than anything.
My suffering feels so unusual that I can't imagine anyone else understanding it. I feel completely alone in the world, and it's an awful feeling.
I feel horrible, and that will never change.
