meddle
Student
- Jan 11, 2024
- 172
sorry for bothering you all again. just needed to get it out somehow. so fucking sick of me, venting here all the time
its kinda hard to explain. im 26f, i had my best friend. or i thought that i had my best friend, idk anymore. we have known each other since 1 grade, became friends like when we were 16. then we had a hard time, misunderstanding, its a long story. so we had a fight (well not actually a fight, idk how to explain) and had lost touch for a couple of years. then we reconciled. and made a deal: if someone feels that something is wrong then someone tells it. not remains silent and lets misunderstanding grow. idk
so the situation is actually not a big deal at all. but it has very big consequences for me
im kind of person, who likes to keep in touch with my close people constantly. so im always talking about something: my life, random facts, sending memes... but i get that everyone needs their time and privacy. so i dont really expect an instant answer. so she usually answered to me like once a day. but one day she didnt. answer. i began to worry. what if something happened? i asked something like: "i hope nothing bad happened and i hope that you are not fed up with me"
then the next day i went on instagram and saw her story from a trip. i understood that she didnt respond as usual simply because she was traveling. i was really upset because, well, i would like my loved ones to keep me informed about their lives. i said this to her, and she told that she hadnt told anyone about her trip. that she doesnt want to tell anyone anything about herself. then i thought that this is some kind of strange desire. well... because... i can understand the desire not to say anything about topic x, but to share the rest. or i can understand something like "im going through a difficult period right now, i dont want to talk right now, ill tell you later" (and it's not even necessary to specify when this later will be). but when someone doesnt want to tell your friend anything about yourself? well, thats weird. i would like to know, how my friends are doing, like at least if everything is ok or everything is not ok
fine. but then I asked,: "ok, you dont want to tell me anything about yourself. then why dont you talk about any other things?" then she lost her temper and told me, that after she replies to my 40 messages everyday, she dont have the strength and energy to write something to me
and this phrase hurt me so much. like even when you say something in anger, you need to get that thought from somewhere. that you think so, or you once thought so. or where did you get that thought from? and so i had to literally torture her for her to give me an hones answer. so she finally confessed. It turned out exactly as i feared, haha. my nightmare. it turned out that shes going through a bad period, shes feeling down, and ive really been writing too much, ive really been annoying. and no one told me about it (although she promised to tell me if something was wrong! well, she was kind of afraid of upsetting me with that. i understand that, but it knew it anyway and it turned out even worse). so it turned out that i had been bothering her with my stupid annoying conversations for some time, but she didnt told me about it. and i only found out by accident, just because she said this phrase about 40 messages in the heat of moment
and just... idk anymore. and which of my friends have been bothered by me for a long time, and theyre just afraid to offend me, so they keep pretend that they enjoy our conversations?
i understand that she was very afraid of making things worse for me with my depression and previous ctb attempt. but 1) its not her fault that im not doing well, it was never her fault. and ive never accused her. 2) if someone had politely told me: "i love you very much, but im having a bad time right now, please write me a little bit less," then i would have been much less upset. 3) she promised! she promised to tell me if something was wrong with me... and she didnt
i just. idk. ive been living for other people. i dont really enjoy my life. but i know that my ctb will hurt them badly, so i continue to live. and then such situation happens. idk what to do and what to feel. im completely calm right now. it kinda reminds me of a walking ghost phase. when someone is so damaged by radiation, too damaged to continue living. but they dont know it for now. there are no symptoms right now, they are feeling ok. but they are dead already, they just dont know it yet. thats how it feels. surreal
sorry about stupid mistakes, if there are any. idk. im not a native speaker
its kinda hard to explain. im 26f, i had my best friend. or i thought that i had my best friend, idk anymore. we have known each other since 1 grade, became friends like when we were 16. then we had a hard time, misunderstanding, its a long story. so we had a fight (well not actually a fight, idk how to explain) and had lost touch for a couple of years. then we reconciled. and made a deal: if someone feels that something is wrong then someone tells it. not remains silent and lets misunderstanding grow. idk
so the situation is actually not a big deal at all. but it has very big consequences for me
im kind of person, who likes to keep in touch with my close people constantly. so im always talking about something: my life, random facts, sending memes... but i get that everyone needs their time and privacy. so i dont really expect an instant answer. so she usually answered to me like once a day. but one day she didnt. answer. i began to worry. what if something happened? i asked something like: "i hope nothing bad happened and i hope that you are not fed up with me"
then the next day i went on instagram and saw her story from a trip. i understood that she didnt respond as usual simply because she was traveling. i was really upset because, well, i would like my loved ones to keep me informed about their lives. i said this to her, and she told that she hadnt told anyone about her trip. that she doesnt want to tell anyone anything about herself. then i thought that this is some kind of strange desire. well... because... i can understand the desire not to say anything about topic x, but to share the rest. or i can understand something like "im going through a difficult period right now, i dont want to talk right now, ill tell you later" (and it's not even necessary to specify when this later will be). but when someone doesnt want to tell your friend anything about yourself? well, thats weird. i would like to know, how my friends are doing, like at least if everything is ok or everything is not ok
fine. but then I asked,: "ok, you dont want to tell me anything about yourself. then why dont you talk about any other things?" then she lost her temper and told me, that after she replies to my 40 messages everyday, she dont have the strength and energy to write something to me
and this phrase hurt me so much. like even when you say something in anger, you need to get that thought from somewhere. that you think so, or you once thought so. or where did you get that thought from? and so i had to literally torture her for her to give me an hones answer. so she finally confessed. It turned out exactly as i feared, haha. my nightmare. it turned out that shes going through a bad period, shes feeling down, and ive really been writing too much, ive really been annoying. and no one told me about it (although she promised to tell me if something was wrong! well, she was kind of afraid of upsetting me with that. i understand that, but it knew it anyway and it turned out even worse). so it turned out that i had been bothering her with my stupid annoying conversations for some time, but she didnt told me about it. and i only found out by accident, just because she said this phrase about 40 messages in the heat of moment
and just... idk anymore. and which of my friends have been bothered by me for a long time, and theyre just afraid to offend me, so they keep pretend that they enjoy our conversations?
i understand that she was very afraid of making things worse for me with my depression and previous ctb attempt. but 1) its not her fault that im not doing well, it was never her fault. and ive never accused her. 2) if someone had politely told me: "i love you very much, but im having a bad time right now, please write me a little bit less," then i would have been much less upset. 3) she promised! she promised to tell me if something was wrong with me... and she didnt
i just. idk. ive been living for other people. i dont really enjoy my life. but i know that my ctb will hurt them badly, so i continue to live. and then such situation happens. idk what to do and what to feel. im completely calm right now. it kinda reminds me of a walking ghost phase. when someone is so damaged by radiation, too damaged to continue living. but they dont know it for now. there are no symptoms right now, they are feeling ok. but they are dead already, they just dont know it yet. thats how it feels. surreal
sorry about stupid mistakes, if there are any. idk. im not a native speaker
