Still trying to find a reason to live

[Meditation guide]

I trained myself long ago to notice and take pleasure in small things in life. I admit I'm not very depressed or this probably wouldn't be possible. But I wanted to make a list of the few little things that mean a lot to me, as pitiful as it may seem to others. I'm writing this for me, to put in front of myself just what my life has come down to. I am in denial about how bad it is, and how much worse it will get if I don't ctb.

morning cup of coffee
thinking of buying a new laptop
hoping to get the vaccine in the coming months so I won't be scared of getting covid
watching our turbulent political scene
this site and sharing thoughts with people who are nice
movies and youtube videos
music

That's about it. Looking at this list now and then thinking about all I would rather be out doing and can't it doesn't seem like enough. I need to remind myself every day how bad it's gotten for me and keep myself focused. No more being in denial.

 

[Symbiote]

If I don't CTB and go through with the divorce I have something to look forward to as well. Reconnecting with old friends that were cut off by my wife, rebuilding my home lab, advancing my career, visit more parks/enjoy nature, eat tasty food, cook new foods, gaming, etc.

I realized yesterday that I have a trauma bond with my wife. It's what makes it so hard to leave and live, but easy to leave and CTB for some reason.

I remind myself how bad it has gotten and if I stay, I'll definitely CTB in 2021. If I give myself a chance, and go through with this, maybe there will be a better life in the end.

 

[WornOutLife]

I love your list. Mine is quite similar too and I'm trying to add more stuff so as to find a reason to live and not CTB next year!

 

[Meditation guide]

I realized yesterday that I have a trauma bond with my wife.

It's no different in how it works from Stockholm Syndrome. I'm glad you realize the dynamics in yourself that are working against you. There is a book titled Co-Dependant No More. There are also excellent youtube videos by Dr. Ross Rosenburg about what he calls "self love deficit". Those are worth watching for anyone struggling with what you describe.

If it's your marriage driving you to want to ctb then the answer is pretty clear.

 

[mlmc045]

I trained myself long ago to notice and take pleasure in small things in life

This is an incredible quality.
Do you like nature?

Your list isn’t pitiful at all, I really like it.
I hope you’re able to add more things, and that you’re able to do the things you would like to do

I’m sorry life has gotten so bad for you, I really hope you find peace

Sending love and light❤️

 

[TooConscious]

You'll never find a solid reason to live unless you want to tie i spiritual purpose as I'm noticing more and more people are doing lately. We can each, as an individual, say that, the fact I'm existing in this very moment is reason enough.
But purpose doesn't extinguish suffering for most, unless you truly believe in your purposes necessity and feel suffering is necessary.

 

[Meditation guide]

Do you like nature?

I love nature and am now unable to go out and enjoy it due to serious and debilitating health problems. That is what stops me from enjoying more in life. I'm stuck inside with my morning coffee and the internet. I don't see anything changing about that.

You'll never find a solid reason to live unless you want to tie i spiritual purpose

I hope for more after I'm dead. It's not going to happen here. In fact my main fantasy is what it will be like after I free myself from this meatsuit.

 

[Symbiote]

I like to imagine we're all in an inpatient ward ala One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and that someone will take all of us on a field trip to enjoy the vestiges of life before attending the darkness of our lives again. Small wins can be savored in the darkest of times.

 

[mlmc045]

I love nature and am now unable to go out and enjoy it due to serious and debilitating health problems. That is what stops me from enjoying more in life. I'm stuck inside with my morning coffee and the internet. I don't see anything changing about that.

That must be really difficult for you, I really hope that changes either in this life or if anything comes next, then you get to go somewhere really beautiful where you’re not suffering and able to enjoy the things you want to

 

[Meditation guide]

I need a nice long vacation in a lovely place. That unfortunately is not possible for me in my condition. I gazed at the world with wonder. I noticed insects, tiny frogs, birds, rocks, flowers, people walking, observing everything in detail. I loved doing that. I loved sitting outside at Starbucks watching people go by, their dogs, stopping to chat, watching cars, all of it. That's out now. Walking in the woods, that's out. Yoga, that's out. I miss doing things.

 

[sarah88]

Hello. I don't think that's a pitiful list.
As for me, escapism via books or TV shows/movies keep me going.

 

[Meditation guide]

You guys are all so nice. You give me a reason to smile.

I'm so grateful to have this site. It's at the top of my list. I don't know what I would do without it.

 

[justsad&done]

I trained myself long ago to notice and take pleasure in small things in life. I admit I'm not very depressed or this probably wouldn't be possible. But I wanted to make a list of the few little things that mean a lot to me, as pitiful as it may seem to others. I'm writing this for me, to put in front of myself just what my life has come down to. I am in denial about how bad it is, and how much worse it will get if I don't ctb.

morning cup of coffee
thinking of buying a new laptop
hoping to get the vaccine in the coming months so I won't be scared of getting covid
watching our turbulent political scene
this site and sharing thoughts with people who are nice
movies and youtube videos
music

That's about it. Looking at this list now and then thinking about all I would rather be out doing and can't it doesn't seem like enough. I need to remind myself every day how bad it's gotten for me and keep myself focused. No more being in denial.

Your ability to take pleasure in the little things is a wonderful quality to possess. A long time ago, I realized the need to try to appreciate the small things and concentrate on what's most important in my life. For me that was the couple of people who meant the most to me and when I lost someone tragically everything fell apart.
I think your list is not at all pitiful; I think it is good that given your circumstances you are still trying to look for things that you are able to do that bring you a little happiness. I wish you could enjoy more of the things you used to love. I understand. Even though my situation is different, I no longer enjoy those simple things.

 

[self.destractive]

this list is in no way pitiful! its admirable that you find joy in these things, and i find myself relating to a lot of them.

during my recovery a couple of years ago i was hanging on to the little things with the skin of my teeth. they are a genuine asset in terms of a good quality of life

 

[Red]

I love nature and am now unable to go out and enjoy it due to serious and debilitating health problems. That is what stops me from enjoying more in life. I'm stuck inside with my morning coffee and the internet. I don't see anything changing about that.

I hope for more after I'm dead. It's not going to happen here. In fact my main fantasy is what it will be like after I free myself from this meatsuit.

I got an electric scooter to get out and about because I missed going out in nature. It’s freaking awesome; kids and adults alike are jealous, thinking me lazy instead of disabled but I don’t care lol sometimes I strap my crutch to the front to remind them that I’m a crapple my friend @mediocre (dunno if that tags people here?) did the same thing and he sends me lovely photos of the places he visits, I love it!

I got a xiaomi M365; you can get the pro version for a steal right now online - it’s better than mine which serves me perfectly well; honestly it changed my life. Getting better suspension put on it for an Xmas present n changing the tyres to something more robust to be able to go more off road too!

We live in the future! Nothing should stop you getting out to blessed nature! I’m so sorry for your body situation and hope that you get some relief soon - do you know what’s wrong or are you pinging around the blasted health system like me trying to find answers?? Much love and empathy for you and your situation

 

[heraclitus]

If I don't CTB and go through with the divorce I have something to look forward to as well. Reconnecting with old friends that were cut off by my wife, rebuilding my home lab, advancing my career, visit more parks/enjoy nature, eat tasty food, cook new foods, gaming, etc.

I realized yesterday that I have a trauma bond with my wife. It's what makes it so hard to leave and live, but easy to leave and CTB for some reason.

I remind myself how bad it has gotten and if I stay, I'll definitely CTB in 2021. If I give myself a chance, and go through with this, maybe there will be a better life in the end.

I can so identify with you - é( years I shall never get bac. No matter now what I do, I shall die disappointed at the needs sublimated to hers and the denial of myself. Every day I accept the realisation of this more. The pain is becoming intolerable.

 

[140 bpm]

Your list gave me a willing to think about my own preferences and write them down

sunrise
rejecting to get the vaccine and see what gonna happen to all people who getting it in next few years
watching the whole world political scene
this site and sharing thoughts with people
improve myself in writing
movies
music
sunset
be grateful

thank you