Discussion Still haven’t CTB?? What’s stopping YOU?

[HappilySoaring]

This is me...has been for years now. Only obligations like school and work interrupt the monotony. I wake up and lie in bed all day until dinner, smoking weed and surfing the Internet. I've recalled times where I've just stared at the ceiling for hours, and forgot I was alive until my stomach growled. I used to really be into skin care and personal upkeep, now Idgaf anymore. It's been a long road leading up to this, but I now know that my time to exit is drawing near. I've never contemplated "suicide" (hate using that word) in my entire life up until a month ago but It actually is the only thing that lifts my spirits nowadays. Knowing that this cycle of gloom and doom doesn't have to last much longer. But what exactly am I waiting for? I feel as though I'm still clinging to something here...like friendships, potential romances, and false senses of hope that things will magically fall from the sky and solve all of my problems. That bag of money still hasn't fallen Where the hell is my N...I needed it like yesterday. Lol

So, out of curiosity I ask, for those of you that are still here with us...what's stoppping you from CTB?

 

[sadsoul]

By now, the survival instinct is the only thing that's stopping me.

 

[muretax]

Finding a promising method and fighting the biological instinct to survive. Once, I'm confident, it's go time.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Idk really. I have money for N or whatever else I want to do, I just feel like I am procrastinating the same way I always did with everything in life. I think I am also going to need one final wallop in the balls (ie. life kicking my ass) before I have fully had enough.

 

[Whiskeyjames]

I felt similar, quited my job and been messing up ately with weed and M. Feel useless and slanging, feel like a burden to everyone I know.
Somehow deeply inside i do dreamed about possible alternative life, possible moves I made,.. but then recall how impossoble now for me to achieve those old dreams...

So my answer now is survival instinct ... Attempted twice but my body is not listening to my heart and mind lol

 

[worldexploder]

I would be dead if I had Nembutal, Nitrogen, or a firearm. Unfortunately those are unobtainable to me right now. I couldnt bring myself to do something painful such as hanging. I live about an hour away from the 876 feet tall New River Gorge Bridge but I don't have a drivers liscens and the site is constantly watched by park rangers. I can't run a quarter of a mile to the middle. I'd need a vehicle. Plus it's not a pedestrian bridge.

I attempted to CTB in 2015 by ODing on propranolol then tried hanging myself in early 2016. Failed both times. As much as I want to go, my situation keeps me here. I'll figure something out.

 

[[NoName]]

The fact that I'd hurt people. There's a part of me that still wants to experience life.

 

[TiredHorse]

That damned human survival instinct. HSI vs. N2. N2 is as straightforward a method as anyone could want, but so far HSI has won.

 

[Rose]

Was hope for a while, that things could get better. That's quickly fading as time passes
Survival instinct & the irrational fear that I'm unable to die (or will mess up immensely) are the last things in the way
Sooner or later, I'll be able to jump the hurdle. Or I'll be thrown through it

 

[HappilySoaring]

The fact that I'd hurt people. There's a part of me that still wants to experience life.

That is something that I too battled with when first contemplating CTB...but I soon realized that what is most important is ending MY suffering. I spent most of my life putting other people and their feelings before myself. The suffering of those who know me will be as temporary as the wait for N to ship, lol. The world will not suddenly stop when we go. It will continue on, as will the lives of those who care for you. You are what matters most...we will be but a memory.

 

[OkTotti]

This is me...has been for years now. Only obligations like school and work interrupt the monotony. I wake up and lie in bed all day until dinner, smoking weed and surfing the Internet. I've recalled times where I've just stared at the ceiling for hours, and forgot I was alive until my stomach growled. I used to really be into skin care and personal upkeep, now Idgaf anymore. It's been a long road leading up to this, but I now know that my time to exit is drawing near. I've never contemplated "suicide" (hate using that word) in my entire life up until a month ago but It actually is the only thing that lifts my spirits nowadays. Knowing that this cycle of gloom and doom doesn't have to last much longer. But what exactly am I waiting for? I feel as though I'm still clinging to something here...like friendships, potential romances, and false senses of hope that things will magically fall from the sky and solve all of my problems. That bag of money still hasn't fallen Where the hell is my N...I needed it like yesterday. Lol

So, out of curiosity I ask, for those of you that are still here with us...what's stoppping you from CTB?

I honestly don't know... my days are similar to yours. I'm literally bored to death... i feel like i'm in the same purgatory as you....

 

[creationisdeath]

Money I can risk on N. If I had it here right now I'm pretty sure I'd ascend almost immediately. Maybe travel somewhere nice to drink it.

I also got this idea of wanting to leave with good memories. I have none. Nothing in my life was ever true or good and I'd like to experience that now. I don't want to die in misery. I want to celebrate it.

 

[[NoName]]

That is something that I too battled with when first contemplating CTB...but I soon realized that what is most important is ending MY suffering. I spent most of my life putting other people and their feelings before myself. The suffering of those who know me will be as temporary as the wait for N to ship, lol. The world will not suddenly stop when we go. It will continue on, as will the lives of those who care for you. You are what matters most...we will be but a memory.

The reason I want to die is because I hurt people. I suffer because of what I did wrong.

 

[HappilySoaring]

Money I can risk on N. If I had it here right now I'm pretty sure I'd ascend almost immediately. Maybe travel somewhere nice to drink it.

I also got this idea of wanting to leave with good memories. I have none. Nothing in my life was ever true or good and I'd like to experience that now. I don't want to die in misery. I want to celebrate it.

Exact same for me! Go somewhere nice, do some hikes and winery tours...I can recall some very pleasant memories over the course of my life, but they are so faint. Suffocated by all the bad shit I've experienced...as with most things in this world, happiness is temporary.

 

[jaemus12]

Procrastination.

Fuuuuck I wish someone can just kill me.

 

[kkatt]

Made my fair share of silly attempts
After researching pro choice groups for over 15years, finally realised it has to be N
Got my N
A few months ago,my daughter tells me she wants to be a mom
And I can be a part of it.
Something I never imagined might happen.
Now I'm hesitant

 

[BangBangBang]

Soon nothing will stop me. I've never been this calm...

 

[GiveMeNovacaine]

Same reason why I don't do anything in life: I'm afraid.

 

[Xerxes]

Survival instinct and a bit coward to do it when I'm calm. It would have to be on impulse.

 

[Whiskeyjames]

The fact that I'd hurt people. There's a part of me that still wants to experience life.

Indeed, a small shiny part that is overshadowed by clouds of fear and anger, hate and depress... How to get the clouds away?

 

[hieronymus.bosch]

Relationship with another person prone to suicide ironically.

 

[Roph]

It's easier said than done and, after two failures, I went to get the next attempt right.

 

[AveryConure]

Was going to do it on my birthday but "funnily" enough not only did I had to go to the ER briefly for dehydration issues, but my mom suddenly nearly broke her foot at the last minute of me fully going through with my plan, and I'd rather not risk it when someone is constantly in the house and could call 911 if they suspect something is up.

I'm planning on going through with my hanging next year but then she was talking about how her foot was hurting again and my stepdad joking she might not be able to go back to work and now I'm really worried I might not be able to go through with it unless I decide to fully say "fuck it" and just get hit by the local train near me.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

1. The pain I know that will be involved with any attempt. I don't want to feel even an ounce of pain upon my ctb. Because the pain of death (mind screw?) seems to be more than just everyday regular pain. I've never broken a bone or had a laceration although I use to get my bum belt whipped on a regular basis as a child/teen. I think these things make me hyper-afraid of pain.
2. Procrastination. I am an expert professional at procrastination.
3. It's cold outside at night as Winter is settling upon the city. I'm to ctb at night in a secluded part of woods.
4. Did I mention I'm an expert procrastinator?
5. Potential to be made blind, handicapped by a failed attempt.(blind especially)
6. Eating has been my biggest joy and I'm having a hard time with leaving it behind.

 

[sólstafir]

My method is painful. I don't like pain.

 

[Retched]

Survival instinct. And one family tie. And lack of being able to find a partner. And did I mention survival instinct. I want a partner as well, but that is looking like it is hard to come by.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I used to really be into skin care and personal upkeep

I know it´s so weird I remember as a teenager how important my appearance and looks were I wouldn´t set foot outside the door if I hadn´t styled my hair or for my goth period straighned/styled my hair and put on makeup (I am a male). I still clearly remember how I didn´t understand why some of my friends never styled their hair and how they would want to be seen like that. Fast forward till now 24 years old and I never style my hair anymore and don´t care I guess it´s because there is no drive for girls anymore where back as a teenager there was so much hope so if I had styled my hair or put on makeup and looked amazing there was that HOPE that a girl might give me a look, I miss hope and ignorance so much but it´s all gone now.

For my reason for not ctb that is because I don´t want to ruin my parents life but every year life gets darker, I used to live home with my parents and my two brothers so a big family with a lot of life in that HOME. Now we are all split up and I feel like the close family we had back then has been split and my brothers are growing up getting jobs and getting an education life just isn´t simple anymore the further in life we get the more complicated and hard life becomes and I just want it to end since I am not suited for this life.

Also to think that my youngest little brother is 20 and will turn 21 in a couple of months is terrifying! I remember when I was 15 and goth my youngest little brother was only 11 years old and he painted a picture of me looking goth in his art class, he looked up to me others did too I was a real somebody and was friends with so many people I hate life now actually calling it life is an insult to life itself, life is about living and I am just surviving..

 

[TiredHorse]

Made my fair share of silly attempts
After researching pro choice groups for over 15years, finally realised it has to be N
Got my N
A few months ago,my daughter tells me she wants to be a mom
And I can be a part of it.
Something I never imagined might happen.
Now I'm hesitant

Heavens to Mergatroid. That's really serious shit to contemplate. Wow.

I'd be hesitant, too.

 

[Mr2005]

Need a gun it's as simple as that. Plus I promised my girlfriend I'd give her a baby which I'm regretting now. Only because it hasn't happened and I don't know how much longer I can carry on yet I can't end it without a gun and I barely have the energy to get out of bed. Fucking arggghhhh!

 

[Trashcan]

I still have some preparations to do. Tomorrow is the big day. Hopefully.