Venting Still fucking stuck.

[WorthlessTrash]

I'm stuck. I want to kms but cannot due to SI and guilt. Meanahile I am waiting for mom to do taxes and pay me back $2000 that is owed to me but she has covid and keeps putting it off. I'm so sick of having to remind her to no avail. Who knew i would regret doing something kind like lending money? Oh wait, doing good deeds isnt really smart these days.....

On the flip side i want to be a cis woman and have been born female from the get go, but that is not physically possible.

Meanwhile im in an endless loop where i let myself go (i am now 400 lbs) because i hate myself and am dysphoric but i hate myself even more because i am 400 lbs and i have no reason to try to lose anymore weight as i hate my body because i am male.

The only options i have besides dying is transitiom/HRT or cope with this disgusting body, both options suck ass for me and won't make me any happier.

I wish my family would hate me so it could make dying easier. Cant live, but cant die. What the fuck?

 

[Jimblue]

I am kind in similar position, I can not live, can not die. I wish CTB can be easier

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Does your family have any notion of how you feel?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Does your family have any notion of how you feel?

My mom brushes off my wish to die, i assume because denial is the safest place to be.

I am kind in similar position, I can not live, can not die. I wish CTB can be easier

I am sorry. This is truly a shitty place to be.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really can be so awful and tiring feeling so trapped here when you really wish to be gone. I do hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for from this cruel world.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Are you not able to do HRT or does it just not really help you? I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My wife is trans; being born in the wrong body is hell from what I understand.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Are you not able to do HRT or does it just not really help you? I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My wife is trans; being born in the wrong body is hell from what I understand.

I am not willing to because the core issue is I want to be an attractive cis woman and have been AFAB. I am also not willing to transition because

1. I find scarring gross. Prob going to have a nasty scar on my crotch from it
2. I wanted to have been a female start to finish. Starting in my 30s when I am 10 years away from when I would have CTB'd anyways is entirely pointless. Yeah, I would have CTB'd in my 40s as a cis female because aging is unappealing to me.
3. I would not likely pass, because I cannot afford all of the important surgeries (bottom surgery, facial femininization surgery, vocal cord surgery etc.) And as mentioned, my own self image is a big reason why I hate being a male, and it wouldn't be much better as a trans woman who doesn't pass all that well
4. These invasive procedures take 5 years. I can't even bare being alive day by day. I am sure as heck not willing to spend another 1000+ days alive for a result that is dubious at best.
5. 20s and early 30s are the best years of young womanhood. I am in my mid 30s. I'll be in the tail end of my 30s by the time I finish complete transitioning (best case scenario anyways)
6. I wanted to be born female from the start so I could have the full female upbringing
7. I dont like the idea of having my body needing to be modified by surgery

I wanted to be born female, have the upbringing of a girl, and be a woman with a natural body of one. Not the result of (costly) surgeries and artificial chemicals.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I am not willing to because the core issue is I want to be an attractive cis woman and have been AFAB. I am also not willing to transition because

1. I find scarring gross. Prob going to have a nasty scar on my crotch from it
2. I wanted to have been a female start to finish. Starting in my 30s when I am 10 years away from when I would have CTB'd anyways is entirely pointless. Yeah, I would have CTB'd in my 40s as a cis female because aging is unappealing to me.
3. I would not likely pass, because I cannot afford all of the important surgeries (bottom surgery, facial femininization surgery, vocal cord surgery etc.) And as mentioned, my own self image is a big reason why I hate being a male, and it wouldn't be much better as a trans woman who doesn't pass all that well
4. These invasive procedures take 5 years. I can't even bare being alive day by day. I am sure as heck not willing to spend another 1000+ days alive for a result that is dubious at best.
5. 20s and early 30s are the best years of young womanhood. I am in my mid 30s. I'll be in the tail end of my 30s by the time I finish complete transitioning (best case scenario anyways)
6. I wanted to be born female from the start so I could have the full female upbringing
7. I dont like the idea of having my body needing to be modified by surgery

I wanted to be born female, have the upbringing of a girl, and be a woman with a natural body of one. Not the result of (costly) surgeries and artificial chemicals.

I hear all of this. Makes perfect sense. Transitioning is so much fucking time, work, and pain. I don't blame you for not being willing to do it, especially if your self image is shitty regardless of your gender and you wouldn't want to live much longer in either body. I'm sorry. I really wish you peace. It's so fucked up the cards you've been dealt.

And not being able to CTB due to guilt, I know that feeling very well.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I hear all of this. Makes perfect sense. Transitioning is so much fucking time, work, and pain. I don't blame you for not being willing to do it, especially if your self image is shitty regardless of your gender and you wouldn't want to live much longer in either body. I'm sorry. I really wish you peace. It's so fucked up the cards you've been dealt.

And not being able to CTB due to guilt, I know that feeling very well.

Yeah, I don't understand how people attempt it when the results are dubious at best, or even cope when the results aren't up to standards, But to each their own.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Yeah, I don't understand how people attempt it when the results are dubious at best, or even cope when the results aren't up to standards, But to each their own.

I think people just do the best they can to try to have a decent life - to get as close as possible to ideal. This would likely be VERY different if suicide was accepted by society.

 

[Wannagonow]

I'm sorry I don't have any brilliant answers for you. I wish I did. Your situation seems so sad, for a million different reasons. So why do I write? Without sounding corny, I just wanted you to know that I care. Be well.

 

[Zegers]

Well, unfortunately you won't be a girl and i won't be a healthy male either without the stigma of a disability, i think it's harder to plan the whole process than to do it.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Well, unfortunately you won't be a girl and i won't be a healthy male either without the stigma of a disability, i think it's harder to plan the whole process than to do it.

I know I won't be a girl, which is why I am opting to die. I just need to find a way to battle through SI and guilt.

I believe impulse is the more effective way of CTBing, since SI and guilt won't be a factor.

 

[Zegers]

I believe impulse is the more effective way of CTBing

Agree. I think you need that momentum

you in afterlife

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Agree. I think you need that momentum

you in afterlife

Ironically, her ethnicity would be my preferred one if I was a girl.

(But I have a feeling you know that since you posted that lol)

 

[Zegers]

Ironically, her ethnicity would be my preferred one if I was a girl.

I prefer to be caucasian but wouldn't mind being some kind of Eun Woo