still alive

[throwaway3246539]

i was supposed to do it 3 days ago but my ex found my SN. after hours of trying to convince her i somehow managed to get it back but i promised her i wont do anything with it. i would hate to hurt and disappoint her but i still have to do it, i cant stand not being with her. i simply cant nor wish to live without her. next time (maybe in a month or two??) i will try to do it in an airbnb just to make sure no one can "save me"

 

[BBBB]

I can't live without my ex either. I want to try leaving tonight.

 

[throwaway3246539]

I can't live without my ex either. I want to try leaving tonight.

it is insane to me how one person can have this kind of power over someone else. i can literally barely breathe without her. i cant sleep, eat or function like a normal human being unless i m with her. it s like my whole body shut down the second she left. why would i want to live in this shithole of a world without the only thing that has ever made me feel happiness?

 

[BBBB]

I 100% completely understand!!! Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so lost, alone, lonely and my heart is in so much pain every waking moment. All I have right now is this site and my burning desire to be gone today! But it helps a little having someone like you who can relate.

 

[FuneralCry]

Being 'saved' after attempting to ctb really sounds so horrific to me, other people should have no right to do such a thing so it makes sense planning to ctb somewhere where there will be no chance of such a thing potentially happening. Anyway, I hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[ctb7767]

I understand where y'all are coming from, I went through a similar brutal breakup that started last September. The emotional pain was absolutely overwhelming, to the point where I couldn't think and almost couldn't even see (just had memories flashing in my mind). I can tell you 100% that if you give it enough time you will be FINE and probably even be BETTER as a person. Love is a strong drug and you're going through the withdrawals, but they will diminish eventually.

 

[throwaway3246539]

I understand where y'all are coming from, I went through a similar brutal breakup that started last September. The emotional pain was absolutely overwhelming, to the point where I couldn't think and almost couldn't even see (just had memories flashing in my mind). I can tell you 100% that if you give it enough time you will be FINE and probably even be BETTER as a person. Love is a strong drug and you're going through the withdrawals, but they will diminish eventually.

i dont really feel emotions like a "normal" person tho. i have bpd so it s way more intense for me. this breakup is not the only reason i want to kms, the relationship was my only reason NOT TO do it. i was never 'fine' and i never will be. it s time i stop the suffering once and for all

 

[Uber]

@throwaway3246539 & @BBBB

I know it's not what you want to hear and it does nothing to ease your pain right now, but what @ctb7767 says is true.

Time will heal that wound. Been there, done that. This person will always hold a special place in your heart, but you can love again.

 

[ctb7767]

I think I'm in your boat too, I'm very very emotional, might have some disorder like that too. Definitely have severe ADHD. For me it has taken until recently for the physical heartbreak symptoms to finally go away, so about 4-5 months. As someone who just came out the other side of this and did a TON of embarrassing, destructive, and expensive things during the break up, all I can give is my own personal advice. The pain WILL end over time, even if you don't believe it, so just try not to make anything worse in the meantime. Try not to contact her, get rid of any and all things that remind you of her. I went on an antidepressant, which has helped a bit. Just push through and give it like 4-5 months and I swear you will have a clear head.

 

[throwaway3246539]

@throwaway3246539 & @BBBB

I know it's not what you want to hear and it does nothing to ease your pain right now, but what @ctb7767 says is true.

Time will heal that wound. Been there, done that. This person will always hold a special place in your heart, but you can love again.

maybe i could love again, but it s my decision not to. and again, this is not my only issue. what about my chronic depression and borderline personality disorder? or are those not good enough reasons either?

 

[BBBB]

Not my only issue either. It's the last straw. I'm really hoping that CO poisoning will work.

 

[ctb7767]

Not saying it's not your only issue, but answer me this, were you two suicidal before the breakups?

 

[Regen]

I understand the feeling of not being able to live without the other. Of course, objectively, it's not a good reason for suicide....

But I understand it. I felt the same way in my relationship back then. The pain without him was indescribable, unbearable and absolutely devastating. I actually survived somehow.

Heartbreak is always painful. But when it feels so devastating it has deeper reasons I think. I guess for me it triggered a deep sense of abandonment and not being loved that comes from early childhood. Otherwise I can't explain that it feels so destructive when the relationship breaks down that the pain is so great that you have to end your life.

I am incredibly sorry that you are suffering so much. I know how much it hurts.

I wish you could somehow find a way back to inner peace and love. Today I am happy that I dont share my life with my ex. But I never thought I would ever think that. I never thought I would survive that. Really. I hope you have the same luck...!

 

[throwaway3246539]

Not saying it's not your only issue, but answer me this, were you two suicidal before the breakups?

yes ofc. i ve been suicidal for 6 years now. i was suicidal during our relationship as well. she was the only reason i havent killed myself for the past 3 years

 

[BBBB]

Yes, but not to this degree. My ex gave me hope, love, and a reason to fight. I'm now worse then I was prior to the relationship starting. I don't have anyone in my life now. No family. No friends. No one to talk to. Just this site. The rejection and pain is so overwhelming; I'm drowning and just need to go down already. My focus is now on the hope that I can find peace with carbon monoxide poisoning.

 

[LastFlowers]

I understand where y'all are coming from, I went through a similar brutal breakup that started last September. The emotional pain was absolutely overwhelming, to the point where I couldn't think and almost couldn't even see (just had memories flashing in my mind). I can tell you 100% that if you give it enough time you will be FINE and probably even be BETTER as a person. Love is a strong drug and you're going through the withdrawals, but they will diminish eventually.

Yea, this is part of the danger when putting all your eggs into one other person's basket.
The "coupledom" propaganda doesn't help, the societal pressure and progressive emphasis on "the other half", devaluation of single people, social media hyping/flaunting and the whole rat race/keeping up with the Joneses, etc.
Being in a romantic relationship has become some sort of right of passage or checkbox for "success", when it is not inherently indicative of being accomplished in the slightest.

I have to admit..I have a very low tolerance for this type of problem.
Part of the reason being that I have seen time and time again how people obnoxiously invest all their time and energy into one person (primarily for superficial reasons)..blindly praise them to the ends of the earth and force everyone else to bear witness..while willingly losing touch with those same people and any other source of care/love (platonic, familial) that was always available to them.
Then, as soon as a problem arises between themselves and their partner..they expect the people they dropped and pushed aside like garbage to come running to their aid.
And it doesn't end there..then they start the back and forth..between hating their partner's guts and wanting you to agree with them/support them, then as soon as you do they come at you with a "Wait actually, they are the best thing ever and I am doomed without them, Oh god look at how great they are! Look at them!"
Then if they do get back together or close the rift temporarily, those on the sidelines are expected to go right back to being brain dead cheerleaders (which should have never been an expectation in the first place).
And the cycle continues.
To one degree or another.

There is no balance when it comes to this image of "the couple" that society (or your partner themselves) will demand that you live and die by.
Instead of it merely being a different form of companionship that shares priority with individuality/independence as well as other types of relationships (which are just as important), it has transformed into a gaudy status symbol complete with ceremonies and dictated applause..the be-all and end-all.
It also doesn't help that it has overlap with actual be-all, end-all issues (because these are what usually can cause a relationship to fail or they are the things that bar certain people from relationships to begin with).

Too much of the self is sacrificed because the expectations and proposed guidelines for these types of relationships are unrealistic, unrelenting, shallow, full of avarice or rapacity regarding possession of another human, conditional where they should not be & unconditional where they should be (conditional) and so on.

Really poor analogy because I'm tried…but if there is balance, breaking things off should feel more like the loss of a finger, rather than all four of one's limbs.
If not at first, then eventually.

Too many people end up abandoning any other form of worth they have, any other form of connection..because they sacrificed, compromised, and wholly settled into fiction that is akin to an obsessive romance novel.
What should be an actual partnership involving two individuals has become some enmeshed abomination where you can hardly tell one party from the other..and they insist that's part of the charm!

To that I say: No thank you.
Sounds like a nightmare to me, even if it "went well".

I agree that if you can find your way out of that entanglement and make it to the other side..you may not like it, but you may indeed end up "better as a person", as an individual.

 

[Ghostofthepast]

i was supposed to do it 3 days ago but my ex found my SN. after hours of trying to convince her i somehow managed to get it back but i promised her i wont do anything with it. i would hate to hurt and disappoint her but i still have to do it, i cant stand not being with her. i simply cant nor wish to live without her. next time (maybe in a month or two??) i will try to do it in an airbnb just to make sure no one can "save me"

I can't live without my ex either I miss her so fucking much

 

[BBBB]

It's a horrible situation to be in but it helps a little bit to know that we're not alone. I can't stand the constant emotional pain ANYMORE!!!

 

[Uber]

yes ofc. i ve been suicidal for 6 years now. i was suicidal during our relationship as well. she was the only reason i havent killed myself for the past 3 years

What kept you from it the 3 years prior?