Staying alive for others sake

[Oliver]

Anyone else only staying alive because of others? I just absolutely hate that I'm going to cause a lot of pain to my family and I can't seem to shake that thought...

 

[4g1vvvven]

I definitely feel like this sometimes.
A few mutually caring relationships give me pause, make me feel guilty about how fixated I am/have been on CTB.

It is pretty horrible to think about hurting others with your suicide and thinking that they won't completely understand and be traumatised by it...

Probably for the best you don't shake the thought even if it's not a nice once, think it probably shows we care.

 

[AnonymousL]

Anyone else only staying alive because of others? I just absolutely hate that I'm going to cause a lot of pain to my family and I can't seem to shake that thought...

I have a boyfriend and a suicidal 16 year old sister.

I don't know what they will do when I CTB successfully. I feel guilty every time I look at them.

It's an extreme feeling of guilt I have to carry with me everyday and it makes everything even worse. I'm trying to hold on but idk how long I can keep going

 

[Oliver]

I also have a young sister (17yo) that I just can't leave behind now - she is just too young to lose a loved one...

 

[Guy Smiley]

I don't know if my family is the only reason I haven't tried to kill myself, but I think it's the main one. Whenever I think of doing it, I'm overcome with guilt and sadness thinking about them.

 

[CozyTime]

I have both been in (still am somewhat) your situation but also experienced what the aftermath of losing someone you loved in such a way makes you feel.

I guarantee you one of their first thoughts and feelings will be similar to the ones you are going through right now. The aftermath is messy, painful and absolutely fundamentally life changing.

Is it fair to ask someone to live through suffering for others only? I would say no but at the same time I also personally feel that we have a responsibility to our loved ones, those who care about us more than we do ourselves.

There is no right answer in this and I don't want to pretend like I sit on any high horse morally, I tried to take my life once but I misjudged my method and fucked up. Afterwards I started having a "fuck it I'll try" mentality that has given me a lot of opportunities over the years.

Today I can say I enjoy many parts of my life, my thoughts still exist, the pain of my loss haunts me everyday but I have learned how to co-exist with it to the best of my ability and because I managed that I've gotten the pleasure of experiencing happiness and daring to hold a dream for my future.

The fact that you're holding on for others shows your compassion and that the person you are in its core is good, please never forget that.

I hope you all find peace from your suffering.

 

[Malaria]

My boyfriend, my brother, and my dogs. The idea of them mourning my death breaks my heart because I love them so much and don't want to cause them that pain. But man, it's so difficult and exhausting to go on...

 

[bed]

I go through phases of caring and not caring. even though a lot of my family members have abused me i still would never want to harm them. it's a shitty situation knowing that killing myself will cause a ripple effect on their lives.

 

[SillyGirl>_<]

Yeah definitely. That feeling for me has definitely faded away and now I really only have one person tethering me but he's half dead too so its just a matter of time.

All of my friends abandoned me except one, I don't care how my parents will feel because I did not ask to be birthed; with everyone else I just truly do not care.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Not a deter rant for me in the slightest. Life's too painful.

 

[PixelPlant]

at the moment, my main thing is staying alive for my mom. when she dies, I die but I'll probably die before her eventually, who knows. fortunately, I don't have any friends to worry about. and idc about my siblings. theyre enjoying life and are successful asf so they wouldn't care about my death.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I'd feel bad for my dad having to deal with this, but the pain is just too much.

 

[tbroken]

Here i am, friend.
They gave me birth and i have to admit that we shared beautiful moments, i like our simplicity and open mindnesses and how we are always capable to solve all problems. I could not desire a better family, for real.
But i was freaking UNLUCKY so many times in this stupid life that i lost my self and really wanted to die, when i had to be there for real i wasn't there, because i had a freaking injury and i was freaking depressed and i was not able to make the right choices in my life. I really loved them and yet i made them suffer like a sob.
I created many more problems and i'm just unable or unwilling to rebuild anything.

 

[DreamEnd]

Yes I had it all for me and I fucked it up. And now my parents have to pay for all they gave me. I feel ashamed embarassed horrified scared and absolutely terrified because I know I can't go on like this

 

[CasperDaGhost]

When I first got the desire to CTB, the pain that I'd cause by doing it stopped me for a while. But eventually the pain and desire became too much and it just turned into a sad necessity.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Only my cats still keep me going

 

[Gossamer]

I've had my boyfriend break down from my dissociating and contemplating ctb. I'm feeling wracked with guilt, because even if I know the pain he will feel, how undeserved it is that I will inflict it upon him, I can't be talked down. I am only here because I want him and my closest friend to be protected from this trauma. I hope, and it is horrible, that I'll end up alone to have nobody grieve me.