I hope it's ok to make a post...I didn't want to take over anybody elses post and didn't know where to put this...I've been sobbing all morning, went out to get my rent money order and cried the whole time I was out. Interestingly not a single person acknowledged me, which I expected but still made me sad. I wasnt trying to get attention I just couldn't wait til I stopped crying to go out but I was interested that so many could ignore obvious pain (and yes I know nothing they could do really but still it was wierd like walking around behind some see through curtain.....)
I wrote my daughter yesterday to ask if we could maybe start talking again and she said no. I'm not mad I'm simply broken hearted...I tried so hard to be a good mom. And I know she knows this and doesn't question my love for her. But she said when she is around me she worries and it's unhealthy...of course it is. And I'm so fucking angry that I was her burden, that I made her feel like she had to stop interacting with me because it wasn't healthy for her. I told her I was proud that she was strong enough to push me away and told her I would continue to respect her desire for space.
My delima is that it may take her years to get settled and ready for a relationship with me and I know there isn't going to be time for us later....I don't have a few years in me to wait until she grows up and heals enough for us to figure out a healthier way.
I really wanted to ctb by this summer and maybe I still will but I promised myself I would give her the opportunity to say goodbye. I want to say we don't have as much time as you think we do but of course I can't do that. It's not like I can say I'm terminal and have 6 months let's work on our bucket list. I won't use the threat of my death to force any interaction with her, that would be sicker then I already am. So I'm slowly wrapping my head around the fact that we aren't going to get to have a goodbye. I so badly want her to have the chance to talk to me again and I'm still going to fight for enough time that maybe we can visit one more time but this is just more evidence of how I need to be gone. I fucked her up so bad she needs space from me and I can hardly stand knowing that....and even worse is I also look around and see people who treat each other horrible and I think at least they aren't totally alone. That's why she needs space cuz my mentall illness sucks the energy out of everyone around me. And because I hurt her even when I don't mean to.
My suicide is a fact and one she probably knows down deep...I think she knew I was closer then I even realized and by pushing me away she hopes I will hang on and not kill myself right now cuz I would fear she would have guilt or think I did it cuz she wouldn't talk to me....see what a mess??
I realize I will have to just start writing her letters or maybe even get a journal and try to tell her all I can before I go but I'm just so fucking sad that I ended up a statistic. Like I worked so hard to try and get better, I spent so much energy over the years trying to heal the damage that was done to me. I so wanted to be one of the ones who 'made it's'....like I actually had an identy connected with being a survivor. I never wanted to be a victim but I was proud that I had survived such horrible trauma and came out decent, at least I thought. I am one of the strongest people I know but that wasn't enough. Love wasnt enough either...
When I moved a little over a year ago I kind of did a self-imposed isolation, in my mind I said if I'm so messed up that my own daughter wants nothing to do with me then I don't have a right to have any friends or other relationships, like I don't deserve to connect and love/be loved if I can't do right by my kid. She always knew me as fairly outgoing and usually could make friends almost anywhere but not anymore. I know that my thinking is not healthy but it just seems like even if relationships/connecting is so important for us I can't figure it all out. I am ok with being a hermit but I can feel myself loosing whatever ability to interact I may have had prior. And I didn't think the loneliness would be so painful. I mean it's my fault, I made a choice and I still think rationally I need to just stay away from people. But I almost feel like I'm being punished for being sick and that really sucks. I've lost everything that matters and know I cannot fix any of this enough to make life worth fighting for...
I'm sorry this was all over the place....my brain doesn't work well on good days!
I don't know how to hang on any longer when the darkness seems to be getting darker!!
I wrote my daughter yesterday to ask if we could maybe start talking again and she said no. I'm not mad I'm simply broken hearted...I tried so hard to be a good mom. And I know she knows this and doesn't question my love for her. But she said when she is around me she worries and it's unhealthy...of course it is. And I'm so fucking angry that I was her burden, that I made her feel like she had to stop interacting with me because it wasn't healthy for her. I told her I was proud that she was strong enough to push me away and told her I would continue to respect her desire for space.
My delima is that it may take her years to get settled and ready for a relationship with me and I know there isn't going to be time for us later....I don't have a few years in me to wait until she grows up and heals enough for us to figure out a healthier way.
I really wanted to ctb by this summer and maybe I still will but I promised myself I would give her the opportunity to say goodbye. I want to say we don't have as much time as you think we do but of course I can't do that. It's not like I can say I'm terminal and have 6 months let's work on our bucket list. I won't use the threat of my death to force any interaction with her, that would be sicker then I already am. So I'm slowly wrapping my head around the fact that we aren't going to get to have a goodbye. I so badly want her to have the chance to talk to me again and I'm still going to fight for enough time that maybe we can visit one more time but this is just more evidence of how I need to be gone. I fucked her up so bad she needs space from me and I can hardly stand knowing that....and even worse is I also look around and see people who treat each other horrible and I think at least they aren't totally alone. That's why she needs space cuz my mentall illness sucks the energy out of everyone around me. And because I hurt her even when I don't mean to.
My suicide is a fact and one she probably knows down deep...I think she knew I was closer then I even realized and by pushing me away she hopes I will hang on and not kill myself right now cuz I would fear she would have guilt or think I did it cuz she wouldn't talk to me....see what a mess??
I realize I will have to just start writing her letters or maybe even get a journal and try to tell her all I can before I go but I'm just so fucking sad that I ended up a statistic. Like I worked so hard to try and get better, I spent so much energy over the years trying to heal the damage that was done to me. I so wanted to be one of the ones who 'made it's'....like I actually had an identy connected with being a survivor. I never wanted to be a victim but I was proud that I had survived such horrible trauma and came out decent, at least I thought. I am one of the strongest people I know but that wasn't enough. Love wasnt enough either...
When I moved a little over a year ago I kind of did a self-imposed isolation, in my mind I said if I'm so messed up that my own daughter wants nothing to do with me then I don't have a right to have any friends or other relationships, like I don't deserve to connect and love/be loved if I can't do right by my kid. She always knew me as fairly outgoing and usually could make friends almost anywhere but not anymore. I know that my thinking is not healthy but it just seems like even if relationships/connecting is so important for us I can't figure it all out. I am ok with being a hermit but I can feel myself loosing whatever ability to interact I may have had prior. And I didn't think the loneliness would be so painful. I mean it's my fault, I made a choice and I still think rationally I need to just stay away from people. But I almost feel like I'm being punished for being sick and that really sucks. I've lost everything that matters and know I cannot fix any of this enough to make life worth fighting for...
I'm sorry this was all over the place....my brain doesn't work well on good days!
I don't know how to hang on any longer when the darkness seems to be getting darker!!
