Starting to come out of a 25 year long Dissociative state, and realizing I am too far behind and atrophied mentally to ever catch up.

[KlMeNw]

I suffered severe mental and physical abuse as a boy and teenager, as well as religious trauma and neglect. As a result I went into a continuous dissociative state for 20 years or more. I really didn't realize I was in this state until I started doing Ketamine therapy. I am still mostly dissociated but I am coming out of it slowly but surely. Some might say that's a good thing and it was at first, but the hell that is life has slapped me in the face with a new reality. That ive been detached for so long my ability to understand emotions in myself and others is as if I were a child, sometimes I believe children are more emotionally intelligent than me actually. How am I supposed to live like this? Ive gone from completely numb and robotic to feeling like an emotional retard (excuse the verbiage) who is in constant fear and shame because i am so emotionally inexperienced. I would CTB tomorrow if I could, that's how horrific this is for me, but I am a father. I dont know what to do. Has anyone else been through something similar?

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I relate to being emotionally lacking. Hopefully you can recover and if not I hope you find the peace desired

 

[miserableforever]

I suffered severe mental and physical abuse as a boy and teenager, as well as religious trauma and neglect. As a result I went into a continuous dissociative state for 20 years or more. I really didn't realize I was in this state until I started doing Ketamine therapy. I am still mostly dissociated but I am coming out of it slowly but surely. Some might say that's a good thing and it was at first, but the hell that is life has slapped me in the face with a new reality. That ive been detached for so long my ability to understand emotions in myself and others is as if I was a child, sometimes I believe children are more emotionally intelligent than me actually. How am I supposed to live like this? Ive gone from completely numb and robotic to feeling like an emotional retard (excuse the verbiage) who is in constant fear and shame because i am so emotionally inexperienced. I would CTB tomorrow if I could, that's how horrific this is for me, but I am a father. I dont know what to do. Has anyone else been through something similar?

I was married for a very long time. I kinda just went along with life, never had any ups and downs, other than emotionally unavailable husband. When I one day decided to divorce that person, my whole world crashed cause I had to literally learn everything. From taking calls to going to stores alone, to managing my OCD, to going to work.
I was a ball of dead mindless meat my entire life.
Slowly grasping what existence even means. I'm in a relationship, have been for 2 years. I yell at the person a lot for caring, we argue constantly cause I can't deal with human closeness. I feel numb, while longing for something I can't describe.
Even though I'm 'happier' now, I'm ready to CTB any minute. I feel more misunderstood and confused than ever. It's weird.
Id love to try something like Ketamine, but it's financially out of the question.

 

[waitingforrest]

Dissociation is kind of a blessing and a curse for me. I completely get it when you say that reality slaps us in the face

Being detached from reality helps people escape trauma and unwanted emotions. Dissociating is one way the brain uses to help people cope with traumatic events.

Emotions are never easy to deal with and understand. I don't know what you are feeling, but know that emotions just are. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

It absolutely sucks to have to try to learn emotional intelligence when most people around have been able to use it ever since birth. The expectation of being able to cope and deal with emotions as a adult isn't easy either. People expect adults to just have all their emotions figured out and dealt with.

I often feel like I know something is missing, but I don't know what. It's like I want to be able to connect with others but there is something that is blocking me from doing so.

It's no easy situation to be in, but I do hope for the best for you.

 

[Disappointered]

Everyone seems to be hailing ketamine lately. It used to be frowned upon as dangerous by ravers if I recall correctly and these were people who had no qualms about ecstasy or coke. I've also heard people suggest microdosing. As in mushrooms ffs.

Anyway, I guess I'd try it just to see if it helped. So far the consensus seems to be saying "go for the special K and throw in some shrooms". Where does one get the ketamine?

 

[KlMeNw]

Everyone seems to be hailing ketamine lately. It used to be frowned upon as dangerous by ravers if I recall correctly and these were people who had no qualms about ecstasy or coke. I've also heard people suggest microdosing. As in mushrooms ffs.

Anyway, I guess I'd try it just to see if it helped. So far the consensus seems to be saying "go for the special K and throw in some shrooms". Where does one get the ketamine?

I am in the States and here K has to be administered by a doctor either through IV or an intranasal mist. I also have to be monitored for two hours at the clinic I go to for every session.

 

[Dot]

I suffered severe mental and physical abuse as a boy and teenager, as well as religious trauma and neglect. As a result I went into a continuous dissociative state for 20 years or more. I really didn't realize I was in this state until I started doing Ketamine therapy. I am still mostly dissociated but I am coming out of it slowly but surely. Some might say that's a good thing and it was at first, but the hell that is life has slapped me in the face with a new reality. That ive been detached for so long my ability to understand emotions in myself and others is as if I were a child, sometimes I believe children are more emotionally intelligent than me actually. How am I supposed to live like this? Ive gone from completely numb and robotic to feeling like an emotional retard (excuse the verbiage) who is in constant fear and shame because i am so emotionally inexperienced. I would CTB tomorrow if I could, that's how horrific this is for me, but I am a father. I dont know what to do. Has anyone else been through something similar?

Slf actlly envy ur postn t.b.h thgh apprci8 hw dffclt it mst b 4 u

Slf wld recmmnd cntctng eithr psychthrpst or evn a chld psychlgst wh/ cn hlp u 2 lrn tools & hw 2 idntfy & exprss ur emotns - thre nt n.e shme 2 strt frm th bascs & = cn hlp u in lng term

Mght also hlp 2 d/ sme bdy-wrk lke yoga or smthng silmr 2 hlp u cnnct 2 urslf & exprince sensatns - whch r cnnctd 2 emotns - sfely

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Sorry you suffered so much. I can relate to that. I was brought up in a severely narcissistic family and was tossed around from one gaslighting abuser to the next. All these years I was not allowed to feel my own emotions,not even the basic ones. It has made a liquid mess of my brain. Dissociation, depersonalization ,flashbacks and memory loss are all the after effects. Through my own research, I came to know that it is quite common with people having history of trauma. Many times the trauma is also stored in our body that makes the problem even more difficult. Although I started doing a very basic exercise last year or so of emotional literacy by Richard grannon. It helped my quite much at that time, even though I was living in the same abusive environment. If it is possible, then look for Richard grannon videos on emotional literacy on YT which are made for the exact same purpose. Whatever you decides to do, I wish the best for you.
Just sharing a screenshot I found helpful

 

[Dot]

Sorry you suffered so much. I can relate to that. I was brought up in a severely narcissistic family and was tossed around from one gaslighting abuser to the next. All these years I was not allowed to feel my own emotions,not even the basic ones. It has made a liquid mess of my brain. Dissociation, depersonalization ,flashbacks and memory loss are all the after effects. Through my own research, I came to know that it is quite common with people having history of trauma. Many times the trauma is also stored in our body that makes the problem even more difficult. Although I started doing a very basic exercise last year or so of emotional literacy by Richard grannon. It helped my quite much at that time, even though I was living in the same abusive environment. If it is possible, then look for Richard grannon videos on emotional literacy on YT which are made for the exact same purpose. Whatever you decides to do, I wish the best for you.
Just sharing a screenshot I found helpful

Nt sre if u hve hrd of Somatc Exprncng bt = desgnd 2 hlp rleas trma stord in th bdy - mght b wrth lking in2

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Nt sre if u hve hrd of Somatc Exprncng bt = desgnd 2 hlp rleas trma stord in th bdy - mght b wrth lking in2

I forgot about that. I have read about some works of Peter A Levine and Irene lyon on somatic experiencing. Although I haven't tried it myself.

 

[Dot]

I forgot about that. I have read about some works of Peter A Levine and Irene lyon on somatic experiencing. Although I haven't tried it myself.

Irne Lyn hs y.t chnnl w/ lts of info abt it - slf ws usng simlr tools fr whle & thy wre rlly gd

Am only on sasu nw bcse slf dd deep hypnoss whch opnd mnd up t/ 2 mch & psych cld nt hndle it - dfntly bst 2 sty w/ bdy wrk

 

[KlMeNw]

Thank you all for your thoughtful input. I will be trying some of the suggested techniques and suggested reading material. One other aspect of this experience is that i'm finding that when I want to face the reality of concepts I don't understand, like real time emotional events, ie. verbal conflicts with others, disagreements between children, romantic concepts, intimacy between myself and others or others intimacy towards each other, I get this sense of fledgling understanding of theses things and the magnitude of the difference between the reality I have been living in and the way reality actually is, sends my brain in retreat right back down into my hole of dissociation. I am not sure how I can progress if even these little scraps of understanding send my psyche involuntarily back into the void.