I start next week. I will be talking with my academic advisor for the first time tomorrow. I graduated from community college in 2020 and I haven't been back to school since 2021. Throughout these past 3 years, depression really took a toll on me. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do in life and I seriously considered CTB. At the time, I thought that I was an incompetent piece of shit and that I would never get a job. Every potential career path sounded mind numbingly boring and hopeless to me. After working some soul sucking and absolutely miserable jobs, I finally found a job that is tolerable enough for me and it will completely pay for my college education.
Even just a few weeks ago, I was still heavily considering CTB. My mind was hard focused on how I never dated anyone at 24 years old. I'm starting to think that none of that matters anymore. I'm also starting to think that I honestly wouldn't even mind it if I was single for the rest of my life. It would be very nice if I found someone I truly love and care for, but it feels like it's no longer something I can obsess over anymore. I read my previous journal entries about this topic, and I cringed a lot about how sad I was feeling about it. After all, the only person that will always be in my life is myself. Having dreams/daydreams about having a loving significant other is pretty fun though, I will say. I just no longer find myself feeling depressed about it.
Something weird came over me this past week. Now that I'm closing in on my start date for this semester, I really want to give everything I have towards finishing my degree and finally graduate college with a bachelor's in software engineering. I don't want anything to stop me, not even my depressive thoughts. I have this new desire to stick around and see how life plays out now that I finally have a sense of direction. It's like I now have a newfound desire for life and I really want to give things a chance. I'm starting to realize what it's like to finally have color brought back into my life.
I have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 14, and I'm 24 now. I hope these feelings continue for the rest of my life. I hope I don't catch myself at a bad time in the future and I end up making a horribly rash decision. For now, it looks like I'll be postponing my CTB date for a very long time.
Even just a few weeks ago, I was still heavily considering CTB. My mind was hard focused on how I never dated anyone at 24 years old. I'm starting to think that none of that matters anymore. I'm also starting to think that I honestly wouldn't even mind it if I was single for the rest of my life. It would be very nice if I found someone I truly love and care for, but it feels like it's no longer something I can obsess over anymore. I read my previous journal entries about this topic, and I cringed a lot about how sad I was feeling about it. After all, the only person that will always be in my life is myself. Having dreams/daydreams about having a loving significant other is pretty fun though, I will say. I just no longer find myself feeling depressed about it.
Something weird came over me this past week. Now that I'm closing in on my start date for this semester, I really want to give everything I have towards finishing my degree and finally graduate college with a bachelor's in software engineering. I don't want anything to stop me, not even my depressive thoughts. I have this new desire to stick around and see how life plays out now that I finally have a sense of direction. It's like I now have a newfound desire for life and I really want to give things a chance. I'm starting to realize what it's like to finally have color brought back into my life.
I have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 14, and I'm 24 now. I hope these feelings continue for the rest of my life. I hope I don't catch myself at a bad time in the future and I end up making a horribly rash decision. For now, it looks like I'll be postponing my CTB date for a very long time.
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