The last few months have been hard for me. In particular, the last few weeks. I started to think more about suicide, reading suicide articles, and just living in an extremely deep depression. I don't want to die. I want to live, I want to be happy, I want to do so much in this life. Thinking about suicide only came about because at this moment, I simply cannot see a future for myself, and the pain of my own thoughts is almost too much.
I would like to share my story. And I know we all have different stories, and mine may sound trivial to some. But it's my story nonetheless.
Growing up, I had an extreme aversion to brushing my teeth. My parents failed to establish good habits, and it was something I avoided at all costs. Not too uncommon right? Well, unfortunately during the ages of 11-13 years old, I had braces on. I also consumed sugar constantly. Before the age of 14, I had done irreparable damage to most of my teeth. Countless fillings on my teeth and on all the front teeth - cavities had started to develop around the metal squares of the braces.
By the time I was 18 (about 5 years ago), I first started to understand the damage that had been done. And this drove me into extreme depression. I was finally feeling better about my appearance heading into college, going to the gym, etc. But I realized my teeth were damaged for life. The numerous fillings that I had would eventually need to be replaced constantly. And if I wanted a better looking smile, my only options were to consider veneers, but even that brought about tons of anxiety for various reasons. I didn't want fake teeth that cost 30k$, might not look good, and would also need to be replaced overtime. All I wanted was MY natural, healthy teeth. And I had lost that forever. I saw no hope for the future.
I struggled greatly with this throughout the next 5 years. I began to have very dark thoughts that no young adult should have. I'm unloveable. Gross. Disgusting. How could a girl hear my story and still want to kiss me. I would never be what I wanted to be - an attractive, confident person. And this was all my fault. Maybe my parents share some blame. Maybe the doctors should've monitored me better. Regardless, I'm the one who has to deal with this for life. I went into the past almost constantly, calculating millions of ways this was preventable, and why this had happened to me.
I hid my smile in shame for 5 years. People called me too serious. Too boring. The reality? I hated smiling and was severely depressed. People asked me why I wasn't dating, after all, I'm an attractive person and I looked reasonably confident. The reality? I couldn't imagine any girl who would love me and not judge me for my past. How can anyone love someone so physically damaged and gross. I looked around at all the people around me smiling and laughing carefreely, and the hatred for myself became too much to bear. Anytime people mentioned something related to teeth - even casually, I almost froze and just felt a dreading, sinking feeling in my stomach.
It killed me everyday. I felt physically uncomfortable in my own body. Constantly distracting myself, because my hatred for my self was too much. And when the distractions ran out? Severe depression returned.
Ultimately, here I am. The last few weeks have been hard. It scares me and saddens me that my mind started instinctively considering suicide. I'm still young and I have a lot to live for, at least I hope I still do. It's sad that this one, specific thing has completely ruined my life for the last 5 years and I still can't see a way out. But while I'm still alive, I might as well make an attempt to keep living and to seek help. Even if that's opening up to one close person. Speaking to my therapist. Or going to the dentist to see what improvements can be done.
I would like to share my story. And I know we all have different stories, and mine may sound trivial to some. But it's my story nonetheless.
Growing up, I had an extreme aversion to brushing my teeth. My parents failed to establish good habits, and it was something I avoided at all costs. Not too uncommon right? Well, unfortunately during the ages of 11-13 years old, I had braces on. I also consumed sugar constantly. Before the age of 14, I had done irreparable damage to most of my teeth. Countless fillings on my teeth and on all the front teeth - cavities had started to develop around the metal squares of the braces.
By the time I was 18 (about 5 years ago), I first started to understand the damage that had been done. And this drove me into extreme depression. I was finally feeling better about my appearance heading into college, going to the gym, etc. But I realized my teeth were damaged for life. The numerous fillings that I had would eventually need to be replaced constantly. And if I wanted a better looking smile, my only options were to consider veneers, but even that brought about tons of anxiety for various reasons. I didn't want fake teeth that cost 30k$, might not look good, and would also need to be replaced overtime. All I wanted was MY natural, healthy teeth. And I had lost that forever. I saw no hope for the future.
I struggled greatly with this throughout the next 5 years. I began to have very dark thoughts that no young adult should have. I'm unloveable. Gross. Disgusting. How could a girl hear my story and still want to kiss me. I would never be what I wanted to be - an attractive, confident person. And this was all my fault. Maybe my parents share some blame. Maybe the doctors should've monitored me better. Regardless, I'm the one who has to deal with this for life. I went into the past almost constantly, calculating millions of ways this was preventable, and why this had happened to me.
I hid my smile in shame for 5 years. People called me too serious. Too boring. The reality? I hated smiling and was severely depressed. People asked me why I wasn't dating, after all, I'm an attractive person and I looked reasonably confident. The reality? I couldn't imagine any girl who would love me and not judge me for my past. How can anyone love someone so physically damaged and gross. I looked around at all the people around me smiling and laughing carefreely, and the hatred for myself became too much to bear. Anytime people mentioned something related to teeth - even casually, I almost froze and just felt a dreading, sinking feeling in my stomach.
It killed me everyday. I felt physically uncomfortable in my own body. Constantly distracting myself, because my hatred for my self was too much. And when the distractions ran out? Severe depression returned.
Ultimately, here I am. The last few weeks have been hard. It scares me and saddens me that my mind started instinctively considering suicide. I'm still young and I have a lot to live for, at least I hope I still do. It's sad that this one, specific thing has completely ruined my life for the last 5 years and I still can't see a way out. But while I'm still alive, I might as well make an attempt to keep living and to seek help. Even if that's opening up to one close person. Speaking to my therapist. Or going to the dentist to see what improvements can be done.
