society and people say that there is Winter Depression.
I have the opposite. I have "spring depression".
Now, spring has come. It is actually very hot these days. Today it reached nearly 30 degrees celsius (90F). Beside my chronic physical health issues (fatigue, asthma, flat feet, underweight, high blood pressure, CKD). I also have some mental issues but they are less serious than my physical health issues.
I now have to get a teeth removed soon. The dentist doctor said that. It has a big cavity and causes my local gum inflammation. Its now not painful anymore. But I can't afford and cant deal with the pain of a new constructed teeth implant. I don't have the money for this long procedure. It will cost about 2000 to 3000 USD.
I have savings which are about nearly that amount. But they are for emergencies if I am homeless/or my dad is dead. He is very old over 70. It is emergency money also for CTB purposes. I want to save a little more so I can go to Peru and have a real "happy ending". That money at the moment is not enough.
It is spring depression that I feel. I want to feel the joy of spring, the beautiful birds noise, the sun, the love of nature and love of a loving gf. Real love is also not possible because of my personality "disorder". Diagnosed (by two professional psychatrists) but I am not 100% schizoid narcissist, if I follow the definitions and symptoms. I study some psychology in my free time. Forgive me, I am bad with the labels and terms. But I understand.
I was outside today at midday. Running a little bit and experiencing the beautiful sun on my skin. People are joyfully walking or using their bycicle. All people I bump into or see. They are all content or happy. But I am unhappy, angry.
I feel like a slave. I am a slave and not a free man like society or democracy and human rights keep telling me.
I did go to many doctors and had many years of different therapies. I changed my diet to the healthiest as possible.
But now I am still unhealthy and feel much more tired.
My only wish is to really have autonomy over my own body. I want to have access to N or something similar. I failed other common methods. Also I don't want to be rescued anymore. Respect my choice.
I am not crazy. Me ending my life is a rational decision. I did do a decision matrix about if I should end my life or not. I did put in all they "Yes" and the "No" points. I also listened to many anti suicide arguments and talks.
Give me at least a peaceful and dignified death. I can't die horrible and slow through my disease if I would continue life. I also can't tolerate pain. My pain tolerance gets worse by time and I fail to improve it.
Thanks to anyone reading this. It means the world to me. I also hope I can resonate or speak anyone else's mind who is voiceless or has no possibility to voice his feelings.
I have the opposite. I have "spring depression".
Now, spring has come. It is actually very hot these days. Today it reached nearly 30 degrees celsius (90F). Beside my chronic physical health issues (fatigue, asthma, flat feet, underweight, high blood pressure, CKD). I also have some mental issues but they are less serious than my physical health issues.
I now have to get a teeth removed soon. The dentist doctor said that. It has a big cavity and causes my local gum inflammation. Its now not painful anymore. But I can't afford and cant deal with the pain of a new constructed teeth implant. I don't have the money for this long procedure. It will cost about 2000 to 3000 USD.
I have savings which are about nearly that amount. But they are for emergencies if I am homeless/or my dad is dead. He is very old over 70. It is emergency money also for CTB purposes. I want to save a little more so I can go to Peru and have a real "happy ending". That money at the moment is not enough.
It is spring depression that I feel. I want to feel the joy of spring, the beautiful birds noise, the sun, the love of nature and love of a loving gf. Real love is also not possible because of my personality "disorder". Diagnosed (by two professional psychatrists) but I am not 100% schizoid narcissist, if I follow the definitions and symptoms. I study some psychology in my free time. Forgive me, I am bad with the labels and terms. But I understand.
I was outside today at midday. Running a little bit and experiencing the beautiful sun on my skin. People are joyfully walking or using their bycicle. All people I bump into or see. They are all content or happy. But I am unhappy, angry.
I feel like a slave. I am a slave and not a free man like society or democracy and human rights keep telling me.
I did go to many doctors and had many years of different therapies. I changed my diet to the healthiest as possible.
But now I am still unhealthy and feel much more tired.
My only wish is to really have autonomy over my own body. I want to have access to N or something similar. I failed other common methods. Also I don't want to be rescued anymore. Respect my choice.
I am not crazy. Me ending my life is a rational decision. I did do a decision matrix about if I should end my life or not. I did put in all they "Yes" and the "No" points. I also listened to many anti suicide arguments and talks.
Give me at least a peaceful and dignified death. I can't die horrible and slow through my disease if I would continue life. I also can't tolerate pain. My pain tolerance gets worse by time and I fail to improve it.
Thanks to anyone reading this. It means the world to me. I also hope I can resonate or speak anyone else's mind who is voiceless or has no possibility to voice his feelings.
