Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 584
It's only the morning and mother had to tell me how useless and defective I am. At least she wasn't purely lashing out of her unrelated anger, my rooms a mess and she decided today's the day "Everything gets cleaned and set on the right track", yea, she decided a few other days before would be "The day things turn around", but I digress.
She went on about how I never really help, and "only help when asked". Alot of other such fluff to essentially say I'm so useless and only a burden on others. I know, I know, how useless I am. She's even saying that she might kick me out, and I didn't really have anything to say. Yea, kick me out to learn how awful the world is the hard way, I think a little bit of suffering is the thing I need.
I don't even talk back or communicate with her anymore, because it's apparent that, while she's ignorant in many ways, she can't help but display her honest disdain for me, and how defective I am; I used to hate her for that, now I have different reasons, but that trait itself, I appreciate it in a way. While others in a similar situation would have all kinds of complex feelings, I can say I understand more and more that I can't help, it'd fully be better if I wasn't even born.
If just being alive is selfish, what about if I ended my own life? I already know what she'd say, "NO! Suicide is selfish!", but then I guess that'd just be my nature, "Selfish" till the bitter end.
In the end, more then this forum, my own mother is the one that ultimately shows me how CTB is the way when I can't live. When, in her own words I can't live with others, or live within society. She's the kind to posthumously blame this forum for my suicide, but let it be known that in the end I'd kill myself, with my own hands, at my own decision, and with most of the signs & reasons for it coming from my own inability and her earnest disdain for me being around.
She went on about how I never really help, and "only help when asked". Alot of other such fluff to essentially say I'm so useless and only a burden on others. I know, I know, how useless I am. She's even saying that she might kick me out, and I didn't really have anything to say. Yea, kick me out to learn how awful the world is the hard way, I think a little bit of suffering is the thing I need.
I don't even talk back or communicate with her anymore, because it's apparent that, while she's ignorant in many ways, she can't help but display her honest disdain for me, and how defective I am; I used to hate her for that, now I have different reasons, but that trait itself, I appreciate it in a way. While others in a similar situation would have all kinds of complex feelings, I can say I understand more and more that I can't help, it'd fully be better if I wasn't even born.
If just being alive is selfish, what about if I ended my own life? I already know what she'd say, "NO! Suicide is selfish!", but then I guess that'd just be my nature, "Selfish" till the bitter end.
In the end, more then this forum, my own mother is the one that ultimately shows me how CTB is the way when I can't live. When, in her own words I can't live with others, or live within society. She's the kind to posthumously blame this forum for my suicide, but let it be known that in the end I'd kill myself, with my own hands, at my own decision, and with most of the signs & reasons for it coming from my own inability and her earnest disdain for me being around.
