unnormal9
SOLDIER T.
- Apr 12, 2023
- 1,139
i was recently told that i had an irritating voice; by the same people i've with for over a year now. I didn't realize my voice alone was enough for people to hate me. When mental illness becomes mental agony, its time to go.
My last doctor, the one before this one; told me "a person needs connection, but I'm not yours". same as the lot of psyche/psychotherapist doctors.
Why must i live in a world that condemns mental illness?
Doctors can not know what else to do either. I stressed out 2 in 2019 at this—over prescribing becomes the result, and over prescribing comes with unintentional overdosing, because there's so many meds be taken in a single day in attempt through desperation; giving into placebos for anything for the pain, which only causes more pain elsewhere on my body. then more meds and painkillers are taken to try and ease that pain and repeat. It's a slow deteriorating process; all this does is prolong it. its not cancer but it feels much like it. Sometimes it may depending on other new complications that arise, but I don't want to wait until the metaphoric cancer takes me.
I have had to realize the reality, there is not a single person who genuinely cares. It becomes burdening if they should. i am worn out, I collapse from mental exhaustion and pain every day—the only way I am able to fall asleep nowadays.. I am a pawn for someone else's gain—the doctors and their research and experimentation through countless forms of meds. Then, there was ECT and this other procedure performed on me, I don't remember the name of it. That's when I lost most of my past, I can't remember most things. After the procedure, I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I had not forgotten I wanted to die then, yet now my past was cut off forever.
I should've killed myself long before now. I wish it everyday. better than living in delusion otherwise, which is something not uncommon to me.
My last doctor, the one before this one; told me "a person needs connection, but I'm not yours". same as the lot of psyche/psychotherapist doctors.
Why must i live in a world that condemns mental illness?
Doctors can not know what else to do either. I stressed out 2 in 2019 at this—over prescribing becomes the result, and over prescribing comes with unintentional overdosing, because there's so many meds be taken in a single day in attempt through desperation; giving into placebos for anything for the pain, which only causes more pain elsewhere on my body. then more meds and painkillers are taken to try and ease that pain and repeat. It's a slow deteriorating process; all this does is prolong it. its not cancer but it feels much like it. Sometimes it may depending on other new complications that arise, but I don't want to wait until the metaphoric cancer takes me.
I have had to realize the reality, there is not a single person who genuinely cares. It becomes burdening if they should. i am worn out, I collapse from mental exhaustion and pain every day—the only way I am able to fall asleep nowadays.. I am a pawn for someone else's gain—the doctors and their research and experimentation through countless forms of meds. Then, there was ECT and this other procedure performed on me, I don't remember the name of it. That's when I lost most of my past, I can't remember most things. After the procedure, I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I had not forgotten I wanted to die then, yet now my past was cut off forever.
I should've killed myself long before now. I wish it everyday. better than living in delusion otherwise, which is something not uncommon to me.
