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SomewhereAlongThe

SomewhereAlongThe

So where's the bus stop?
May 17, 2024
346
I have an average IQ and no talents at all. The lack of ability that I have makes me want to kill myself, and it's the reason I'm ctbing. I know if I could just sit in my room and draw all day, I would choose to live. If I was talented at mathematics I'd choose to pursue it. Yet, I get that this is not how everyone else feels, and I'm wondering why? Why isn't their talent enough to stop them from ctbing? It's amazing to have something you're good at and you can do easily for the rest of your life. I feel empty and like there is nothing I can do with my life.

I don't mean to be insensitive at all, I'm just suffering with the pain of wanting what others have and not having anything in my life.
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
4,963
Having talent isn't necessarily enough to fill the void inside. You could be the most talented and beautiful person to ever exist and still find yourself wishing for all of this to be over with. A lot of talented individuals have their own struggles that they have to deal with.
 
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Cavalcade

Cavalcade

Member
Dec 16, 2024
68
Chiming in as someone who ostensibly has some measure of talent in a handful of creative pursuits (as indicated by community awards, reviews and engagement, commission work, as part of relationships/bonding, so forth). Mental health struggles often lead to my inability to really meaningfully engage with my hobbies (writing, painting, etc) and it's incredibly depressing. I think creatives tend to be extremely critical of themselves and their craft- I know that I've never really felt truly content or at peace with my level of achievement.

Some of the more gratifying moments have been when people who have lived through similar experiences have expressed to me how meaningful my work was to them, but even that isn't enough to really dig away at the void of self loathing and relentless perfectionism. There can often be a toxic internalized critic, or voyeuristic audience creative people struggle with. Depression leeches away so much mental focus, clarity, and cognitive ability from me. I'm sort of a stereotypical tortured artist- who does draw from their life experiences in my own work, and while I think some of it is good, or at least others think it is- it doesn't really change the fact that you are deeply, deeply miserable and unhappy.
 
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identity0

identity0

.
Sep 25, 2024
392
Being good at something compared to others doesnt mean you enjoy doing it or see any meaning in doing it.
 
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O

outrider567

Visionary
Apr 5, 2022
2,866
I have an average IQ and no talents at all. The lack of ability that I have makes me want to kill myself, and it's the reason I'm ctbing. I know if I could just sit in my room and draw all day, I would choose to live. If I was talented at mathematics I'd choose to pursue it. Yet, I get that this is not how everyone else feels, and I'm wondering why? Why isn't their talent enough to stop them from ctbing? It's amazing to have something you're good at and you can do easily for the rest of your life. I feel empty and like there is nothing I can do with my life.

I don't mean to be insensitive at all, I'm just suffering with the pain of wanting what others have and not having anything in my life.
Talented? Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe,Errol Flynn,George Reeves,Edward Platt(the chief on Maxwell Smart), Charles Boyer(mitigating circumstances, his wife died just two days earlier), or rather, check suicide rates by profession(Vets, Dentists,Doctors) having a talent means little to many people
 
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ijustwishtodie

ijustwishtodie

I have finally found my ultimate bliss
Oct 29, 2023
5,796
I could be the most talented person on this planet and I'd still want to kill myself because talent is futile and pointless just like how everything is pointless. I don't want to die because of a lack of talent, I want to die because of how the state of the world and how much I have to suffer in it. Me being talented wouldn't do anything against that suffering nor would it alleviate the suffering that other sentient beings go through. Not everything in life is about talent
 
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SomewhereAlongThe

SomewhereAlongThe

So where's the bus stop?
May 17, 2024
346
Talented? Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe,Errol Flynn,George Reeves,Edward Platt(the chief on Maxwell Smart), Charles Boyer(mitigating circumstances, his wife died just two days earlier), or rather, check suicide rates by profession(Vets, Dentists,Doctors) having a talent means little to many people
That's crazy to me, because it means the world to me. I guess maybe I just don't understand it.
 
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Namelesa

Namelesa

Global Mod · Trapped in this Suffering
Sep 21, 2024
1,957
Quite a few people call me talented in how I am able to develop games on my own but this hobby of mine doesn't fully fill the void inside me. I can often get demotivated and burned out with it which makes me more exhausted and drained. I just feel empty most of the time and want to ctb to escape this repetitive torture that is life. I have tried to fill the void with relationships but I am too mentally ill and can't take the pressure of my fear of abandonment. I also have other things that make me want to ctb such as the guilt I have for some of the thoughts I have.
 
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F

Forveleth

I knew I forgot to do something when I was 15...
Mar 26, 2024
2,295
I have no science to back this up, this is just off the top of my head:
  • Mental illness and "talent" go together. It seems like if you're brain works "differently" in one aspect, it works differently in many. Lots of talented people have bipolar, ADHD, schizophrenia, etc. Their brain having a unique approach to the work can cause them to think outside the boundaries of everyday people so they can do things other people can't.
  • Obsessive behavior. "Talents" can be developed with practice. Many mental illnesses can lead to obsessive behavior or obsession with a particular subject or activity. This leads to the development of a talent. This could also be the result of social isolation (ie, you have no friends and nothing better to do with your time).
  • Therapy. Art therapy and creative expression have been found to be amazing outlets for all sorts of mental disorders (ever heard of "vent art"?). As with the obsession above, this can lead to spending a lot of time on an activity which leads to developing that particular talent.
I'm sure there's more than that but I am too tired for a pubmed search at the moment.
 
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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
12,311
I wouldn't say I was immensely talented but, I have enough to have (only just) survived in a creative industry for 20+ years... Brace yourself for a great big whingey rant...

Partly, the reason for my wanting to CTB in my case is because it isn't easy at all! Freelance work- which tends to be the majority format for the most creative roles is incredibly precarious. Very little job security. No sick pay. No pension. No remorse to just drop a project and you if it's not financially viable. Sometimes when you've already done the work! Long hours. Tight deadlines. Increasing materials costs.

Plus- if you're freelance, you're effectively running your own business. You have to find your own work, liase with clients, negotiate your budget, stick to your budget (if you want to make a profit.) Deal with incomplete or incorrect briefs. Order materials, keep up with invoicing, meetings. Meet all your deadlines. Juggle jobs so that you have enough but aren't overwhelmed.

Try to keep good standards but also realise that sometimes, poor budgets and tight timescales will mean you simply can't achieve your best work, unless you work through the night so- do that. Work through the night. Work evenings. Work weekeds. Work a 7 day week for months on end because you know your saving the butt of someone much higher up in the company who's paid to make decisions but- they didn't and, it's now down to you to fix the mess!

Know that it's 4am in the morning on a Saturday. You're still working and they're about to spend a nice relaxing day with their family... Should you complain? Should you demand more money? Know that if you do that, they might just drop you for another freelancer fresh out of college who'll do it for free or, half the price.

Oh- and expect to be asked to do things for free or, half the price because- hey- you love what you do and it will be good experience for you... Nevermind that you paid just as much if not more to study at university as their Accountant. Did they ask them to do their taxes for free?!! Of course not. This is the Arts. You expect to be exploited.

Work with carcinogenic chemicals with no extraction.

Decide that you can't hack it freelance anymore. Find a Head of Department role in a creative job. Win win- right? You get a full time job with a contract and you still get to be creative- right? Wrong. Not only will you be trying to maintain your creative role, now you'll be expected to do shit loads of admin and management tasks. End up taking that work home to do evenings and weekends because you're so desperate to keep being creative. So, you're working all the time basically. Or- chuck in the towel. Go into teaching and be miserable because you miss creating things. Plus, you have to lie to all the students and tell them the jobs are out there waiting for them. (I have miserable Teacher friends.)

That's just a portion of the job stress! Also bear in mind that not all that many creative people (at least, not the ones I've come across) are entirely happy with their work. On top of all the contraints a job brings: Unless you're incredibly talented, someone isn't going to pay you to just draw or create what you want! The majority of financed art is commercial I would think. It has an end goal. Briefs are specific and worse- budgeted. So, there's that.

But then, there's also your own limitations to worry about. Jealousy of people who are better than you. Frustration that you can't seem to improve much in certain areas. A burning desire to be so much better than you are. Honestly, I'd say being creative is just as much a curse as being a gift!

Anyhow- sorry for that big long rant but, hopefully that gives a few reasons we might not be happy, fulfilled or even financially solvent! The worst still is when you work out you can't afford to do it at all! And, everyone will think they're being helpful in telling you to keep doing it as a hobby alongside your full time wage slave job...

Plus, you'll get the distinct impression that people either think you're stupid and worthless so, you ended up doing art. They'll think you're work is shit (and a part of you always worries it is,) or, they'll just think you're some privelaged snowflake that ought to get a 'real' job. Ignoring that you went to university and paid shit loads to learn this crap- just like everyone else. Or, they'll say: 'Oh, how wonderful! I'd LOVE to be artistic! What a wonderful job that must be!' Which really isn't welcoming after a week of next to no sleep.

But the worst of it is- it still is a good job compared to what you might well end up doing when you fail all together! That really is the end of my epic vent! It's still better than other jobs (in my opinion) but, it's certainly not rainbows day after day!
 
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ShatteredSerenity

ShatteredSerenity

I talk to God, but the sky is empty.
Nov 24, 2024
676
I was always the talented but troubled type. My talents brought academic success, great career, plenty of money, a wife, and other wonderful things in life. Most of the time all those things made me happy just as you'd expect. But I've always had inner demons that can take me to the brink of suicide no matter how well things are going on the surface.

One of my talents has always been a keen eye for problems and an intense drive to fix them. That's great most of the time, but sometimes when I can't solve a problem that intensity causes my emotions to spiral downwards. I can't give up, even when it's obviously self destructive to keep pushing at obstacles I can't overcome.

Another issue is that I was frequently depressed without realizing it, and my talents may have masked the depression for a long time. Things would often be going well, but all I could see was problems and I'd feel miserable and want to die.

A final factor is that the intensity that drives ambitious successes can also drive a powerful inner turmoil when things go wrong. When things got low enough that I'd start ruminating on suicide, that intensity would put me through wild mood swings between an intense urge to end it all, and an intense urge to live. That was always extremely draining for me, and unfortunately for some people the suicidal urge ends up winning the battle.

So I guess I always identified with talented people who committed suicide, particularly Kurt Cobain since I'm from Seattle and he died when I was young and impressionable. I think this quote conveys well how it feels to be so talented and so troubled at the same time:

If my eyes could show my soul, everyone would cry when they saw me smile.
— Kurt Cobain
 
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SomewhereAlongThe

SomewhereAlongThe

So where's the bus stop?
May 17, 2024
346
I was always the talented but troubled type. My talents brought academic success, great career, plenty of money, a wife, and other wonderful things in life. Most of the time all that made me happy just as you'd expect. But I've always had inner demons that can take me to the brink of suicide no matter how well things are going on the surface.

One of my talents has always been a keen eye for problems and an intense drive to fix them. That's great most of the time, but sometimes when I can't solve a problem that intensity causes my emotions to spiral downwards. I can't give up, even when it's obviously self destructive to keep pushing at obstacles I can't overcome.

Another issue is that I was frequently depressed without realizing it, and my talents may have masked the depression for a long time. Things would often be going well, but all I could see was problems and I'd feel miserable and want to die.

A final factor is that the intensity that drives ambitious successes can also drive a powerful inner turmoil when things go wrong. When things got low enough that I'd start ruminating on suicide, that intensity would put me through wild mood swings between an intense urge to end it all, and an intense urge to live. That was always extremely draining for me, and unfortunately for some people the suicidal urge ends up winning the battle.

So I guess I always identified with talented people who committed suicide, particularly Kurt Cobain since I'm from Seattle and he died when I was young and impressionable. I think this quote conveys well how it feels to be so talented and so troubled at the same time:
Thanks for that Serenity, I read a few posts about your life and it seemed like things were going so well. :( It's crazy how some people can hit rock bottom and be stuck there.

Your post helps me second guess my ideas of happiness. For me my happiness would come from being talented, because my misery has to do with wanting direction in life, but for others their happiness might not even be their talent but instead their lover.

Having a gift like that can really swing back at you. I'm sorry you've been through all of this hell, and I hope that you find peace. :)
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Global Mod
Jun 2, 2024
2,087
being good at anything never made me want to die less.
 
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Ashu

Ashu

novelist, sanskritist, Canadian living in India
Nov 13, 2021
789
Same reason as any of us: their lives and minds are fucked up and they can't take the agony anymore. What difference should talent make? Do we love our lives less because we have no talents?
 
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yowai

yowai

Specialist
Aug 28, 2024
336
I have an average IQ and no talents at all. The lack of ability that I have makes me want to kill myself, and it's the reason I'm ctbing. I know if I could just sit in my room and draw all day, I would choose to live. If I was talented at mathematics I'd choose to pursue it. Yet, I get that this is not how everyone else feels, and I'm wondering why? Why isn't their talent enough to stop them from ctbing? It's amazing to have something you're good at and you can do easily for the rest of your life. I feel empty and like there is nothing I can do with my life.

I don't mean to be insensitive at all, I'm just suffering with the pain of wanting what others have and not having anything in my life.
1. artists for example tend to be critical of their work and not see it as something special, also talented people can have mental issues too like others lol
2. someone could say the same about any other quality or ability, for example some other person wouldn't understand why you'd want to die if you have a safe place to live, or are independent/sociable etc, it's a matter of perspective
 
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ihatemen420

ihatemen420

weed addict, antinatalist, loser
Jan 8, 2021
30
Nothing could ever be enough to make life worth it.

I am lowkey extremely naturally gifted at animation but I dont even care anymore. Big fucking whoop I can take 8 hours to bring a character to life for 5 seconds. AI can do it faster, and after two generations of generative AI existing, human creativity will be completely dead and my people (artists) will be permanently extinct.
 
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pariah80

Arcanist
Aug 12, 2024
404
Because, sometimes, life doesn't afford someone the opportunity or conditions to allow those talents to flourish. Those who do make it end up seeing the other side of the situation. They end up falling out of love with what they do. They end up seeing life for what it really is. The transactional nature of human interaction, and how hollow human love is. This leads to depression because some of us approach every interaction with the intention of genuine connection and communication. Once you see how superficial and unnecessarily competitive human interactions are, using your talents just becomes hollow and meaningless. I think this is why so many comedians and actors become depressed. Life is more business and survival than actual living.
 
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dust-in-the-wind

dust-in-the-wind

Animal Lover
Aug 24, 2024
707
It is well known in the psychiatrist field that creatively talented people are more prone to s*u*i*c*i*d*e. Any explanation I have read is just a hypothesis. I can think of so many famous writers, musicians and artists that suffered clinical depression and ended it.
 
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Rust

Rust

Member
Aug 28, 2024
68
In my pessimistic world view, talent is a badge that you wear to say that you're ready to be exploited.

You can do an amazing job at something. It simply sets the expectations for the baseline at which you'll work at. You'll always be fighting to keep meeting expectations, if not exceeding them. Being talented is probably more likely to put you in a position where expectations are high, hence more stress and misery.

As an aside, talent is one thing, but what's often overlooked is the time and effort people put into their trade, even if they are talented. In my case, I'm not talented, however, I've worked enough to blur the lines. Regardless, I still get exploited.
 
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somewhat_sorry

Member
Aug 24, 2024
5
This accidentally turned into a bit of an essay :)

For me, talent was always an isolating factor. When you're good at something, in my case I was academically talented from a young age, people think you have your shit together, that you can take care of yourself, and that you're doing well because in one aspect you seem to be stable + put together. But I still had so many problems- stress from trying to mantain my image as a talented person, outside unrelated stressors from personal issues, mental illness- and it seemed like those were invisible in the face of my intelligence for people. This weird dissonance developed between what people were telling me my life was like- ideal, aspirational, inspiring, etc- and what my life was actually like.

I've always been drowning in an existential crisis, because I was smart enough both to be good at school and to realize that being good at school meant jack shit, making me stuck in this cycle of being stressed about school because people expected me to care about it and then suddenly realizing it was pointless and feeling disgusted and disallusioned, then getting stressed again because people would freak out every time I dropped the ball ever so slightly. I was always held to a higher standard, which led to a weird complex of both agressivly pushing against this and believing myself to be no different than other people and also resenting that I had to have more responsibility, and in doing so resenting "normal" people for being too dumb to see that I'm barely different from them- that being a paradox in an of itself.

I also feel like my talent has shaped my way of viewing the world to the point where I feel like I'm looking at a different world than the people around me, and have no idea how everyone else is pushing fowards, or even why they're pushing fowards, because their advice/inspiration doesn't work for me and their motivation feels intrinsically different- this is like what other people have been saying about the correlation between talent and being neurodivergent/idealogically unique compared to the general population. Seing the world differently can immensly benefit creative endeavors, and its fundamental to the character of a visionary, but it is also a permanent separation between you and the rest of the world, a perpetually unresolved isolating factor that, at least in my experience, causes more needless suffering than world-changing breakthroughs.

I wish I could be someone who accepted things "just because." Everything's easier with a dose of blind faith. I know general intellectual talent may be a little further off from what you were looking for in an answer, but I'd say that some level of isolation is pretty consistant in anyone who's gotten really good at one thing. That and the feeling of pointlessness. Hope this helps!
 
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CandleShade

CandleShade

Quote Master
Dec 15, 2024
31
"If poets often commit suicide, it is not because their poems are bad but because they are good. Whoever heard of a bad poet committing suicide? The reader is only a little better off. The exhilaration of a good poem lasts twenty minutes, an hour at most.

Unlike the scientist, the artist has reentry problems that are frequent and catastrophic."
 
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Szarur-abi

Szarur-abi

I Useless dipsh*t I
Apr 25, 2024
64
Sorry for long venting
TL:TR; Im trash at most things i do, always aspired to be normal, currently its a bit better but it was worse in the past.

I'm kinda trash at most thing i do and most works i do. Being a cashier? miscounted lot of money everytime which caused financial penalties when i was at cashregister, warehouse i smashed some bottles accidentialy and was sloppy and slow, inefficient. Failed university in one single subject as only person that managed to do that. Iii dont have any talent, im bad at drawing, tried programming games in unity few times but im too stupid to understand anything in programming language... And i mean, i cant do anything besides that. I was always really bad at sports and sloppy and obv got bullied bc of that. Math is my worst enemy, im really slow thinker and im not good tho not bad at languages. I always wanted to be like maybe not talented but being good enought to do anything with my hands. In school we had technical lessons where we would do creative stuff like origami or wood cutting or drawing, i was always the worst at that despite best trying i was creating literally the most awfull pieces of 'art' imaginable even when it was something as simple as folding paper for origami or putting a piece of tape on paper or anything really, im really bad with anything that goes with my hands...

Till my late teens i couldnt even walk properly and was pushed a few times because of that in school, i dont know what was bad about it tho? I mean what walking weird means? Everyone told me that, even tried to explain but what the fuck does that mean, i couldnt even do anything abt it at the time. And being bullied cause of differances im my earlier functioning (i had also speech difficulties) caused a strong desire to be perceived as normal and fit in, i always wanted to be normal and without all these problems tho currently its mostly realised, im still bad at everything i do but atleast i think i walk normally (tho im avoid running cause ive heard that i run weirdly and funny) Im a little bit better with my hands, and i made a few friends and all my experiences of being trash made me pretty understanding type of person atleast i hope so

Even my friends and family tells me im sloppy and uncoordinated and cant do anything right (tho it happens from one friend particular and my sister, sometimes as far as calling me retard or idiot) I think noone had ever hoped that i would achieve something, and overall think im stupid and wont achieve anything in life which so far turns out to be true. Right now im not really suicidal that much, tho being a useless piece of shit always fueled my selfhatred and suicidal thoughts.

Sorry for long rant, i try to understand every perspective and i get how unrealized talent with working as freelancer earning barely to survive while overworking yourself and hearing that its supposed to be dream job working like that sucks, it honestly sounds like creative soul being sucked by society and it sucks that its the way it is =(

have a relatively good day strangers ☠️🕊🔥
 
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C

ceilng_tile

Student
Jan 13, 2024
129
It's like the story of the lady of Shalott. She lived her life in a tower painting what she saw below. She was probably a talented painter but she wasn't allowed to leave the tower. That wasn't the life she wanted. So she left the tower and died right after that.

People sometimes tell me I'm a talented writer but that isn't enough. I don't want to write about other people doing great things. I want to do those things myself.

Being autistic is like living in that fucking tower.
 
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divinemistress36

divinemistress36

Angelic
Jan 1, 2024
4,722
This makes me think of Chester Bennington from Linkin Park. From an outsiders perspective he had everything. Talent, fame , a wife, kids, rich. But he had always battled depression and ctb. Mental illness doesnt care how talented you are
 
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byebyered

byebyered

sunshine ☀️
Mar 9, 2022
72
I guess this is why they say comparison is the thief of joy bc you never what someone is going through behind closed doors. Like you OP, I would kill to have something im good at, a talent, a passion fucking something. If I was good at art, I would definitely feel less depressed bc now I actually have something to do with my time lol I feel the same way about ppl who have a loving family, supportive friends, a million hobbies, discipline to finish school & get a career but they still want to unalive. me having all that would make me not even want to unalive anymore lol
 
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niki wonoto

Student
Oct 10, 2019
187
Because in reality, being talented does not always translate to being successful, happy, fulfilled, all dreams come true become reality, etc2. Surprise2? But reality is reality. Shits happened. Life is not as simple as most people often think. In fact, life is full of irony & tragedy. Life is absurd too.

I myself am a musician (from Indonesia). Although at 42 years old now, at least I do am feeling grateful/thankful that at least this year (2024) I've finally made a right decision to join a local community orchestra, where I'm the pianist. I've performed at quite some 'mid-level prestigious' concerts & events. But still, in reality, my life is still a failure. I'm a NEET, which means I still live with my parents, & unemployed/jobless actually for quite a long time. I'm single, feel so alone/lonely, while almost everyone else at my age already happily married, happy family, etc2. And although I'm grateful for (finally) playing/performing in an orchestra, but yet, my 'real/true' dreams (& idealisms) are still too far out of reach, & perhaps almost impossible. And, nobody knows that this local community orchestra is a 'volunteering' system, which means it doesn't pay.

So, basically, all I'm trying to say is: don't judge the book by its cover. As cliche as it is, but it's true. You'll never know the *real story* behind a person's facade.
 
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shadowsandink

shadowsandink

Member
Dec 22, 2024
28
I have an average IQ and no talents at all. The lack of ability that I have makes me want to kill myself, and it's the reason I'm ctbing. I know if I could just sit in my room and draw all day, I would choose to live. If I was talented at mathematics I'd choose to pursue it. Yet, I get that this is not how everyone else feels, and I'm wondering why? Why isn't their talent enough to stop them from ctbing? It's amazing to have something you're good at and you can do easily for the rest of your life. I feel empty and like there is nothing I can do with my life.

I don't mean to be insensitive at all, I'm just suffering with the pain of wanting what others have and not having anything in my life.
I've taught myself dozens of programming languages and carved out a decently paying tech career, so I guess I'm semi-talented in technology if it counts. But honestly, I can't shake this sense of emptiness. My life feels aimless, and I don't think my husband cares enough to build something meaningful with our life. It's like I'm just getting older in a relationship that lacks purpose, and I have nothing else beyond work. I don't feel like I have any spoons left to complete anything else outside of work... I am struggling to put in the effort to start my planned 3d design/printing business, develop my own AI apps, learn piano/violin, work on my house, complete more certificates/courses, etc.

Living far from the city and friends doesn't help either, especially when my anxiety keeps me from things like driving.

I tell myself that maybe if our fixer-upper house gets finished, if I could count on my husband more, and if I could feel less isolated, things might improve. I may need mass production of safe self-driving cars to become a reality to get out of this bubble, to go places and feel like I'm not just stuck at home, far away from the city and everything. But that feels like wishing for too much. Plus, I also hate how I look and sound.

I have things I can take to end my life already, though I am still looking for better methods.

Anyway, I also personally believe everyone has their own 'talent', it's just that we don't live in a world that contributes to helping people easily reach self-actualization. IF I was a president, I think a department of self-actualization that helps people find and develop their talents and meaning in their life would be wonderful.
 
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TheHolySword

TheHolySword

empty heart
Nov 22, 2024
1,082
I can play beautiful music. I can write touching poetry. But what I cannot do is bring peace to my suffering. All the talents in the world, all the art one can create cannot save them from their pain. But maybe death can.
 
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O

oneeyed

Arcanist
Oct 11, 2022
417
I think there's also some evidence that shows that people with higher than average intelligence have more difficulty processing their emotions. Then you can imagine that this would spiral into mental illnesses.
 
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Darkover

Darkover

Archangel
Jul 29, 2021
5,653
i have a gift i started taking my toys to bits when i was aged 5 learn how electronics and computers work started programming aged 18 digital electronic simulator, the reason my life was so shit is because i've had to go without sex for 20 years since aged 18 i've only ever had one relationship
 

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