Story Soon. Thank you all.

[Isitmytime]

I can't find any big words right now. I just wanted to thank everyone here.
I tried, I really did. I wanted so much to find the wish to live. But it's getting worse every day. Funny is, people around me think I am absolutely fine, looking better than ever. Yet, no one gets me, no one loves me. I tried to reach out but they all just dismiss it. I probably should get physically sick or look like shit so they believe me. My family was abusive, my spouse left me after 20+ years, to be alone, saying it feels good to not have any obligation and it's not my fault. I will have to leave my job, as it is controlled by my spouse. I have nothing to live for. I am not cut out for this. I need love, and purpose. Is it so much to ask?
I need to do my last will, in a couple of days. Then I can go. I have all I need - SN, meto, benzos, etc. I hope it will be fast and painless. I have to do it, I can't go through another holiday season all alone.
Will come back with a short post, the day I leave, to let the mods know my membership ended.
Again, thank you all, for everything. I was lurking around, on and off, but it helped me to know there were people out there that could get it. This can never replace the human touch and a hug I so much needed, but it was something. And I really appreciate you all.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Here's hoping that you will get the peace and closure you need. Sending you healing thoughts.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is awful when things just get worse. Some people are just so cruel, I'm sorry you were treated like that, of course you deserve better. I wish you the best with your plans. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[StarryStarry]

I can't find any big words right now. I just wanted to thank everyone here.
I tried, I really did. I wanted so much to find the wish to live. But it's getting worse every day. Funny is, people around me think I am absolutely fine, looking better than ever. Yet, no one gets me, no one loves me. I tried to reach out but they all just dismiss it. I probably should get physically sick or look like shit so they believe me. My family was abusive, my spouse left me after 20+ years, to be alone, saying it feels good to not have any obligation and it's not my fault. I will have to leave my job, as it is controlled by my spouse. I have nothing to live for. I am not cut out for this. I need love, and purpose. Is it so much to ask?
I need to do my last will, in a couple of days. Then I can go. I have all I need - SN, meto, benzos, etc. I hope it will be fast and painless. I have to do it, I can't go through another holiday season all alone.
Will come back with a short post, the day I leave, to let the mods know my membership ended.
Again, thank you all, for everything. I was lurking around, on and off, but it helped me to know there were people out there that could get it. This can never replace the human touch and a hug I so much needed, but it was something. And I really appreciate you all.

Isitmytime - you don't know me and I don't know you - but I do care. I'm not just bullshitting you - I care. I am in somewhat the same position as you are. I have no family, no friends and I work for assholes. I hate my life and wish every day that someone would just give me a hug - just because I need one. I know and understand what it's like to go through a holiday alone year after year. My little girl and I used to celebrate Christmas together we had great times. She was murdered by her step-father. After she left I went downhill quickly. I can't stop you from doing what you feel you need to do. I can only tell you that I understand and truly care about you. If you want to speak privately, let me know and I will give you my email. StarryStarry

 

[Isitmytime]

PS. If anyone could give me some advice on how to avoid possible seizures due to SN, I'd really appreciate it. I am afraid I might be still conscious and get scared, SI kicking in..etc. I don't want to fail at this. I am petrified at the thought of traumatizing whoever would find me in a weird position or something. I don't want to make noise, either. Thank you in advance and please spare me the facts that could discourage me. I never truly wanted it, but I have to do this, so it would only hurt more.

 

[Kennish]

I hope you find peace afterwards

 

[miserableforever]

PS. If anyone could give me some advice on how to avoid possible seizures due to SN, I'd really appreciate it. I am afraid I might be still conscious and get scared, SI kicking in..etc. I don't want to fail at this. I am petrified at the thought of traumatizing whoever would find me in a weird position or something. I don't want to make noise, either. Thank you in advance and please spare me the facts that could discourage me. I never truly wanted it, but I have to do this, so it would only hurt more.

If you never truly wanted it, then give it a little more time.
I'm dealing with the same personal issues. My life savings were taken, now he's after my little daughters, lying to authorities in order to steal them from me. It's surreal what's been happening.
I left after many years, I almost died on many occasions as I was left alone by him with strangers to 'make connections and money'
I was sexually assaulted in my own house.
I 1000% understand you. The pain is beyond anything we can imagine or handle.
Anyway, I hope you're sure death is right for you, if you wish to go through with it.
Sending you lots of love. Good luck.

 

[Isitmytime]

If you never truly wanted it, then give it a little more time.
I'm dealing with the same personal issues. My life savings were taken, now he's after my little daughters, lying to authorities in order to steal them from me. It's surreal what's been happening.
I left after many years, I almost died on many occasions as I was left alone by him with strangers to 'make connections and money'
I was sexually assaulted in my own house.
I 1000% understand you. The pain is beyond anything we can imagine or handle.
Anyway, I hope you're sure death is right for you, if you wish to go through with it.
Sending you lots of love. Good luck.

Thank you so much! I am very sorry for your pain. I think you should stay and fight for your daughters, if you can. I hope you can.
They love you and they need you.
I have no one to stay for. My dogs, maybe... but I've made some arrangements. I wish I could stay for them, but they can't really replace the human touch. In a strange way, knowing their life span, I can't see myself going through their passing, either. I know how it is, I did it before.
Of course I never wanted to reach this point, I tried to fight. It's been almost two years since I started preparing, hoping I will never have to go through it. I prayed that some miracle happened... maybe one person could show up, acknowledge me. But if they show up, it's for good times only. I can't do this any more, I can't stand this pain, this hole in my heart. I'm sick of being baited with hope - it leaves me in more pain, more dissapointment.

 

[miserableforever]

Thank you so much! I am very sorry for your pain. I think you should stay and fight for your daughters, if you can. I hope you can.
They love you and they need you.
I have no one to stay for. My dogs, maybe... but I've made some arrangements. I wish I could stay for them, but they can't really replace the human touch. In a strange way, knowing their life span, I can't see myself going through their passing, either. I know how it is, I did it before.
Of course I never wanted to reach this point, I tried to fight. It's been almost two years since I started preparing, hoping I will never have to go through it. I prayed that some miracle happened... maybe one person could show up, acknowledge me. But if they show up, it's for good times only. I can't do this any more, I can't stand this pain, this hole in my heart. I'm sick of being baited with hope - it leaves me in more pain, more dissapointment.

I met my new person online, through a completely unrelated post about something random.
Fast forward. We've been together for 3 years but I can't be happy due to having developed Borderline, ED, OCD and depression/anxiety/social anxiety during the scary years of my life. Every morning I wake up wanting to break up.
What I wanted to tell you was, please be careful relying on others for happiness.
After lots of pain, sometimes we have problems trusting and loving again.
I don't mean to sound negative or try to talk you out of CTB, just sharing one of many possible perspectives.
I made arrangements, they're in my phone, so is the link to the place that sells SN.
Do you anything left in life you enjoy, any family? You could try reaching out and see where it takes you.

 

[Isitmytime]

I met my new person online, through a completely unrelated post about something random.
Fast forward. We've been together for 3 years but I can't be happy due to having developed Borderline, ED, OCD and depression/anxiety/social anxiety during the scary years of my life. Every morning I wake up wanting to break up.
What I wanted to tell you was, please be careful relying on others for happiness.
After lots of pain, sometimes we have problems trusting and loving again.
I don't mean to sound negative or try to talk you out of CTB, just sharing one of many possible perspectives.
I made arrangements, they're in my phone, so is the link to the place that sells SN.
Do you anything left in life you enjoy, any family? You could try reaching out and see where it takes you.

I met my new person online, through a completely unrelated post about something random.
Fast forward. We've been together for 3 years but I can't be happy due to having developed Borderline, ED, OCD and depression/anxiety/social anxiety during the scary years of my life. Every morning I wake up wanting to break up.
What I wanted to tell you was, please be careful relying on others for happiness.
After lots of pain, sometimes we have problems trusting and loving again.
I don't mean to sound negative or try to talk you out of CTB, just sharing one of many possible perspectives.
I made arrangements, they're in my phone, so is the link to the place that sells SN.
Do you anything left in life you enjoy, any family? You could try reaching out and see where it takes you.

For now, I've got nothing. No family, as I said - just the ones who neglected, beat me, used me, and then left me all alone in a hospital bed. I had to ask a colleague to bring me a towel, my family was busy and kinda pissed I got the nerve to ask, even if I offered to pay for the drive and stuff I needed.
For what is worth, please know that OCD, anxiety, etc. can be controlled. They linger in there, but I learned to ignore/stop the impulses to the point they could not control me any more. No pills involved. People did not even notice much, it was so funny sometimes... they thought I was so confident and bubbly, too attractive to have issues. But my secret was love. I trusted love and it worked. I could push down most of my fears. And when they came back, I could face them. That's why I don't want to live without it. See if it works for you, try not to reject it, if you find the right people. It gave me huge strength... while it lasted. If I had it still, I wouldn't be here. I don't know if it means I rely on others for happines. I might be.. but I see it as a two-way street. I was willing to give back just as much. It took me a long time to finally process it and put it into words, without fear of being judged. I might be dead wrong, but I can't change who I am. It's just unfortunate I can't take back my love and give it to someone else. I don't have anything left to offer, so can't expect anything in return. Could this change? I'm not sure, but I am running out of time and strength. And I set a time limit to suffering.

 

[Isitmytime]

Isitmytime - you don't know me and I don't know you - but I do care. I'm not just bullshitting you - I care. I am in somewhat the same position as you are. I have no family, no friends and I work for assholes. I hate my life and wish every day that someone would just give me a hug - just because I need one. I know and understand what it's like to go through a holiday alone year after year. My little girl and I used to celebrate Christmas together we had great times. She was murdered by her step-father. After she left I went downhill quickly. I can't stop you from doing what you feel you need to do. I can only tell you that I understand and truly care about you. If you want to speak privately, let me know and I will give you my email. StarryStarry

OH.MY.GOODNESS. I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine what you went through. I don't know why you are on this site, but I hope you will be stronger than me. I know I might have had it even harder and I am already upset with myself I can't find the strength to cope. Thank you so much for caring, but I can't connect right now. As I said, I don't want to be saved, to the contrary - I am afraid false hope will just hurt me more. I went through a lot of positive, encouraging, motivating, etc. material. I know my trauma, it's over-analyzed. It's not working and I am so very tired. I just want to go peacefully. I am scared, but 20 minutes of physical suffering is easier than weeks, months or years of deep psychological pain with a very faint chance of ever finding relief. If that makes me a coward, or bad, or whatever... so be it. It is certainly not selfish - I told people and they said "well.... sorry if you feel that way", or "stop it with that BS". So they don't care, so I am not hurting them. I don't want to offend anybody, but to me, an online pal is just another way of avoiding the harsh reality.
I am hoping just for some advice on avoiding eventual seizures, but I am running out of time.

 

[StarryStarry]

OH.MY.GOODNESS. I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine what you went through. I don't know why you are on this site, but I hope you will be stronger than me. I know I might have had it even harder and I am already upset with myself I can't find the strength to cope. Thank you so much for caring, but I can't connect right now. As I said, I don't want to be saved, to the contrary - I am afraid false hope will just hurt me more. I went through a lot of positive, encouraging, motivating, etc. material. I know my trauma, it's over-analyzed. It's not working and I am so very tired. I just want to go peacefully. I am scared, but 20 minutes of physical suffering is easier than weeks, months or years of deep psychological pain with a very faint chance of ever finding relief. If that makes me a coward, or bad, or whatever... so be it. It is certainly not selfish - I told people and they said "well.... sorry if you feel that way", or "stop it with that BS". So they don't care, so I am not hurting them. I don't want to offend anybody, but to me, an online pal is just another way of avoiding the harsh reality.
I am hoping just for some advice on avoiding eventual seizures, but I am running out of time.

I understand and respect your decision. I only wanted you to know that in a world full of assholes there are people who care and I am one of them.

 

[ClownMe]

I hope you find peace from this cruel existence, you deserve it, I wish you luck.

 

[Isitmytime]

I understand and respect your decision. I only wanted you to know that in a world full of assholes there are people who care and I am one of them.

Thank you! Thank you so much to all of you. I know there are good people. I even know a few. I care about some people, too. Sometimes I even cared for assholes, just because I thought everybody deserves forgiveness and a second chance. I am not angry with people and I care deeply for helpless animals, too. It's just this insidious feeling I can't get rid of, and I know where it comes from. I tried therapy, but when your brain was under attack since you were in diapers, and then some more, for decades... I have no words. I forgave my parents and sibligs, too. I helped them and even apologized to them for any anger I had. I don't want to be a bitter asshole myself.

There was one thing that kept me going and it's not any more. That's just my view, but to all who have something, anything, to give them joy, I say: stick around, at least until there is no joy any more. If that day comes, I get it. But wait until that day.

I love you all and I am sorry for your pain. And if there is one word here that could do good to anybody, I did a good thing opening the thread (I never did before). I hope I will self-ban very soon, but it's this little puppy I rescued and I have to place him somewhere first. I could not leave him on the highway, he ran right under my car. Damn!

 

[StarryStarry]

Thank you! Thank you so much to all of you. I know there are good people. I even know a few. I care about some people, too. Sometimes I even cared for assholes, just because I thought everybody deserves forgiveness and a second chance. I am not angry with people and I care deeply for helpless animals, too. It's just this insidious feeling I can't get rid of, and I know where it comes from. I tried therapy, but when your brain was under attack since you were in diapers, and then some more, for decades... I have no words. I forgave my parents and sibligs, too. I helped them and even apologized to them for any anger I had. I don't want to be a bitter asshole myself.

There was one thing that kept me going and it's not any more. That's just my view, but to all who have something, anything, to give them joy, I say: stick around, at least until there is no joy any more. If that day comes, I get it. But wait until that day.

I love you all and I am sorry for your pain. And if there is one word here that could do good to anybody, I did a good thing opening the thread (I never did before). I hope I will self-ban very soon, but it's this little puppy I rescued and I have to place him somewhere first. I could not leave him on the highway, he ran right under my car. Damn!

Have you ever thought that maybe that puppy ran under your car for a reason? I believe things happen for a purpose. Sounds like that puppy needs you. And as I'm sure you know, animals are the greatest gift and joy we can have. Unconditional love. I have my little grey (actually she's 12 years old) sitting on my lap as I type. I'm still here because of her. I thought of taking her with me, but that is too selfish. So, I'm sticking around with my little love bucket until she takes her last breath. I am thinking of you.

 

[Isitmytime]

Have you ever thought that maybe that puppy ran under your car for a reason? I believe things happen for a purpose. Sounds like that puppy needs you. And as I'm sure you know, animals are the greatest gift and joy we can have. Unconditional love. I have my little grey (actually she's 12 years old) sitting on my lap as I type. I'm still here because of her. I thought of taking her with me, but that is too selfish. So, I'm sticking around with my little love bucket until she takes her last breath. I am thinking of you.

Yes, I thought about it. I totally agree to what you say about animals. I love them all, wildlife and all. But I rescued so many dogs and cats, that if I kept them all I'd have a shelter by now. I will not be able to keep him anyhow - I will have to leave my house. I have three others, of which I might be able to care for one, in the event I lived. Another thing that breaks my heart. And as I have nobody around, if I got sick or something, there would be nobody to even help me, not to mention them. I was sick some time ago and I had to wait until I could move out of bed. Putting my pets to sleep is something I could never do, unless they were very very sick and nothing could be done. But they are rather young and quite healthy. I raised them well, haha. Of course I know some people, but they are not the kind to call when you are sick. I guess it's where I live, combined with the fact that I gave my all to people who brought me to this state. They seemed like good people, you know. I'm not even saying they are not, at least some of them. They're just... emotionally unavailable, let's say. Not their fault I need something they can't give.
As for my pets, I've made some arrangements. Hope those people will keep their promise. They don't know why - with the pandemic it was easier to ask that in case anything happened to me...
As for things happening for a reason...I am not so sure any more. Maybe it's just a story to make us feel better. I respect the idea, I used to think that way, too. It's just so easy to twist it so it fits whatever, that I started to wonder... I'm afraid it's part of what brought me here. I believed and gave my all, to the best of my abilities. Now I feel like shell-shocked and can't get out of this. Everything seems pointless and terrifying. Believe me, I am not the one to give up easily. It's been a long way to here.

 

[Isitmytime]

Ok guys, time to go.
Much talk, no action.
Cheers to everybody, stay safe as long as you can and try to get better, if possible.
Thanks again for kindness. I'll play A Tout le Monde by Megadeth when I go - I find it soothing.

 

[Kennish]

I hope you find peace

 

[StarryStarry]

Ok guys, time to go.
Much talk, no action.
Cheers to everybody, stay safe as long as you can and try to get better, if possible.
Thanks again for kindness. I'll play A Tout le Monde by Megadeth when I go - I find it soothing.

I'm selfishly hoping you are still here. If you're not I will be very sad, but I do understand.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Safe travels buddy. Hoping you're in a better place now