Wkoncuodejde
I Don't want to be “me” anymore
- Jan 1, 2022
- 78
More than six months ago, I purchased an SN (I once read on this forum that if an SN lays too long, it then changes? I don't know if it was about after open but there was something like that, correct me if im wrong) This is my second SN purchased, as the first one was left 3 years ago and was untouched. My last period in life and exactly 2 weeks were so damn heavy that I just couldn't cope anymore, but that's not about that. One evening in an act of desperation when I was fed up with the daily crying and the pain tearing me apart from the inside out i reached behind the bed for SN, and poured in I don't even know how much, I literally took a knife and started pouring as much as I could into a small plastic bottle of water. I didn't prepare to do it at before all, and I've long forgotten what guide there was on the internet for that. I mixed it up and then without thinking I took 2 sips of it. The taste is really bad, it has a strange chemical aftertaste, but it's also not something you can't swallow. I lay down on the bed in a dark room, At first I felt nothing in particular, although I think the most was relief that my pain would finally end, As I waited and thought, the crying got me again so I took the third, the biggest sip so far (The bottle of water wasn't full at start, but I didn't drink it all the way either.). After a short time my heart started beating really fast, this was probably due to the realization of what I was really doing. I decided to try to fall asleep, it was not easy with so many thoughts and such a fast beating heart but surprisingly I fell asleep, unfortunately not for long :) About half an hour later I was woken up by a friend's phone call, I didn't answer it but I was angry that I didn't mute the phone knowing that my friend was probably bored and I was probably not going to fall asleep again. And that was the truth, I didn't manage to get any more sleep until the morning and what followed was a fucking weird, a little scary experience. Although the taste had long since disappeared from my mouth, I felt as if such a taste of chemicals inside me, as if you know from the breath inside. I completely lost track of time around me, and started sweating terribly. After about 2 hours of lying down, sweating, waiting and rolling from side to side, I started experiencing sound and auditory hallucinations. Something like a waking dream, but it couldn't even be compared to any drug effect. I was literally lying in the back of the trunk of a pickup truck among some barrels and it felt like the car was driving and I was being tossed from side to side, (it must have looked comical as I frolicked in bed). But it literally felt like it was happening for real, even though I was aware hey I know I was in bed and that's not possible. After an extended period of time of about 20 minutes, it was already starting to get really uncomfortable and tiring. After about two hours of "driving like that" I started to feel so damn sick. I hadn't been able to eat anything for about a week so my stomach was empty. I started to have a big vomiting reflex with a loud UGH, but I made sure many times to make sure I didn't vomit and I didn't, it lasted about 30 minutes. All this agonizing lasted so long that it was approaching 5 Am. I can't remember anymore if these effects stopped or I just fell asleep from total exhaustion. But I remember I had a really long quite conscious random dream, it was about some skiing? (I usually don't remember my dreams at all, especially not that well or I don't have them at all). After waking up from this winter sleep, I had my eyes closed for about an hour because some strange patterns started to appear in my head? Patterns, I just saw some kind of "wisdom" that was incomprehensible to me, I don't know if it was my brain's reaction to it all, but it literally got me so riled up that I literally forgot that I tried CTB. The next night I had a very conscious extended dream again, and towards the end acute sleep paralysis for the first time in my life. And tonight, at 2 AM I was awakened by an awful icy blast as if I were standing outside without clothes, I managed to fall asleep after a while and then I woke up literally all wet with sweat, I don't remember if I dreamt something, but my shirt was wet as if someone poured water on me in the dream, my hair and my scalp were also wet. When I smelled the shirt it wasn't that typical sweat smell, (or I just haven't experienced that much sweat at once to know how it stinks). I literally experienced something like this for the first time in my life. Like WTF how could I produce so much wetness, like falling into a pool, how is that possible. In my brain I explain to myself that I sweated this poison out of my body, but that's just my guess. I don't know if I will experience something like this tonight, let's hope not. (With my mental health is a tad better, but it still feels crappy, but still enough to continue trying to live somehow....) But this is my own first experience with SN. Thank you for reading my story and You can ask me anything if you would like to know something! Peace
