Sometimes when I look at the big picture, I’m to blame for everything.

[prototypian]

Im to blame when people have taken advantage of me, im to blame for not being clear in communication, im to blame for my situation and im to blame for my perception of happiness or unhappiness

And if thats the situation then im perfectly fine taking the blame

Im also feeling better and better about the idea of taking my own life as the current US political administration, culture and outlook focuses on "winning at all costs, testosterone and bullying your way to success" I know that not only do I not matter but I don't need to worry about them stopping me. They're the shortsighted view that the world should be only winners and losers and I sort of feel like John Galt as I consider taking my own life. Once the race contains only winners then they'll have to contend with no one caring about the race anymore.

 

[prototypian]

I forgot about this post. But I still feel the same way. If you don't want to win and you don't win you are a loser and don't deserve to count. It is funny, I was reading a book called "The Warehouse" by Rob Hart and it's about a version of Amazon and woven throughout the story is musings by the CEO sort of a Jeff bezos Elon musk guy with versions of Warren buffet and Sam Walton thrown in. One of his musings took offense to the biblical story of Lazarus and how it wasn't right that the rich man was characterized as not deserving of heaven.

That's not all I keyed on but what I really learned is that the overall goal of a market driven society is that people are commodities. Our value is only strictly wish we produce. Not what we think, not our relationships, not who we are. Those things dont add to the market. And we have value to the market even as long as we are alive. HR programs and jobs and finance all commoditize you want desperately want you to live for the benefit of your company values. And at some level the system doesn't want you to die because you take away the only permanent solution to their control if you take your own life. They can't get you back, you're no longer responsible for anything. You're no longer paying for anything. You're no longer a segment of engagement. Your value as a commodity is yours and they don't like that.