I read that in David Foster Wallace's Brief interviews with hideous men a really sometimes disturbing book. But I agree with the statement. It is no exact quote but it is something I also noticed. Due to child abuse and bullying I have developed some bad habits or rather unpleasant character traits. Like my obsession with education/intelligence and what other people think of me. Sometimes it decreases my life quality. But I also experience highs when I impress people. I try to enjoy them as good as possible but in the end it is rather shallow because strangers usually think of you like 5 seconds and if you killed yourself tomorrow they would forget you pretty soon. This is at least something I tell myself when my obsession becomes negative and I worry what people could think of me in a negative way.
Of course it should not become too extreme. I try to increase the pleasure of the pathology so that the pain is not big and the consequences are managable. So I could also induce a manic epsiode however the consequences would be in the longrun devastating. So I avoid that. One still has to evaluate the advantages and disadvantages rationally.
Posting in this forum is also probably pathological but I usually profit of it. I feel less lonely at the same real life interactions are still not negligible. I sometimes need breaks of this forum and I try not to be online the whole day. But my daily dosage of participation gives me meaning (which is weird) and it comforts me. I think I listen the whole day to articles or watch youtube videos, I ruminate so much. And then posting here is like a valve. I can insert some of the information I have gathered during my binge watching/listening sessions. It adds a value to all this obsessive thinking. I am not only the recipient in this relation but I can open up about the thousands of thoughts which are going through my brain on a usual day. I am still reading other posts but opening up about my mental anguish feels relieving. And even on good days I still worry so fucking much.
If you exploit pathologies you have to evaluate them as I said. But it is also good sometimes to adjust them or to give you certain rules. I have a friend with autism. He often seems to be so much happier than me. In the past he had to experience a lot of horrible things when people did not accept him and hurt him. We as his friends accept him and his quirks. However sometimes they are too annoying or just unfriendly to other people. We say that to him in a friendly tone and he adjusted his behavior then. Sometimes in order that social interactions function there are some rules to abide. I also struggled with that in the past and have learned my lesson. I did some weird or embarrassing things in order to be seen as edgy as a teenager or child. I have learned my lesson I have this impulse I tried to anticipate it and I tried to adjust my communication in such situations. In this instance I have made a lot of progress compared to my adolescence
Sadly there are also some pathologies I barely can influence. Like my overthinking in love relations. In this instance I am just fucked beyond repair sadly. Despite all my attempts to fix it my brain simply melts no matter what I try. I could elaborate on that. There are also other deep fears like my fear of being seen as pervert which is very irrational. But when I am in such situations it feels so fucking real. Not even a deep breath helps. It rather needs a benzo. The anxiety and panic feels so real and scares the shit out of me. It is completely overwhelming. It ruined so fucking much. It is really sad when I think about it.
Of course it should not become too extreme. I try to increase the pleasure of the pathology so that the pain is not big and the consequences are managable. So I could also induce a manic epsiode however the consequences would be in the longrun devastating. So I avoid that. One still has to evaluate the advantages and disadvantages rationally.
Posting in this forum is also probably pathological but I usually profit of it. I feel less lonely at the same real life interactions are still not negligible. I sometimes need breaks of this forum and I try not to be online the whole day. But my daily dosage of participation gives me meaning (which is weird) and it comforts me. I think I listen the whole day to articles or watch youtube videos, I ruminate so much. And then posting here is like a valve. I can insert some of the information I have gathered during my binge watching/listening sessions. It adds a value to all this obsessive thinking. I am not only the recipient in this relation but I can open up about the thousands of thoughts which are going through my brain on a usual day. I am still reading other posts but opening up about my mental anguish feels relieving. And even on good days I still worry so fucking much.
If you exploit pathologies you have to evaluate them as I said. But it is also good sometimes to adjust them or to give you certain rules. I have a friend with autism. He often seems to be so much happier than me. In the past he had to experience a lot of horrible things when people did not accept him and hurt him. We as his friends accept him and his quirks. However sometimes they are too annoying or just unfriendly to other people. We say that to him in a friendly tone and he adjusted his behavior then. Sometimes in order that social interactions function there are some rules to abide. I also struggled with that in the past and have learned my lesson. I did some weird or embarrassing things in order to be seen as edgy as a teenager or child. I have learned my lesson I have this impulse I tried to anticipate it and I tried to adjust my communication in such situations. In this instance I have made a lot of progress compared to my adolescence
Sadly there are also some pathologies I barely can influence. Like my overthinking in love relations. In this instance I am just fucked beyond repair sadly. Despite all my attempts to fix it my brain simply melts no matter what I try. I could elaborate on that. There are also other deep fears like my fear of being seen as pervert which is very irrational. But when I am in such situations it feels so fucking real. Not even a deep breath helps. It rather needs a benzo. The anxiety and panic feels so real and scares the shit out of me. It is completely overwhelming. It ruined so fucking much. It is really sad when I think about it.
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