Sometimes I hate my parents

[bugs_for_brains]

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and despise them when I think about the stuff they've done/said to me and especially to my little sister in the past. But at the same time I still love them it's really confusing. They've been as supportive as they can with some topics such as my social anxiety and autism (although they were very bad with me before I was diagnosed) but it's hard not to resent them when I remember my nan screaming at my sister who was 10 years old at the time for being suicidal and calling her the most disgusting names possible, telling her that she has no right to be depressed, telling her to go and cut herself and basically telling her to kill herself if she wants to die so bad. All while my mum just sat and agreed. That's my little sister at the end of the day and I don't care what she did, at 10 years old absolutely nothing warrants that. They also did the same to me when I was around 11 but less extreme. They've always treated her worse because she's more willing to speak out and they take it as her being aggressive.


This is only one of the things they've done but it pisses me off the most. I don't care how supportive they pretend to be to make themselves look good and/or feel better, how many psychologists they take her to, how much "professional help" they try to give her, that doesn't mean shit if they're gonna continue treating her like she's fucking satan himself because she "answers back" after being screamed at for no reason.

I wish I could hate them wholeheartedly because if they weren't my parents I definitely would but I just can't. It's a mix of the fact that they've genuinely supported me sometimes (even though I often question if they do it for selfish reasons) and that they've manipulated me sm into believing that everything they did was my fault or not a big deal, never happened at all, etc.

I can't wait to kms but i have to wait until my nan dies so i cant even be comfortable waiting for my death bc it will mean that shes also gone. Even my death depends on when she dies, I can't even make that choice without considering her despite what she's done to me and my sister over and over again. I feel guilty even writing this post. My parents have essentially broke me and I wish I could fully commit to either hating them or being completely delusional but unfortunately I'm stuck in the middle


I might regret posting this later bc guilt (I'm a pussy and sensitive af LOL) but I guess it's better to get it out somewhere so I don't let it affect how I treat them

 

[Ash]

I don't know if it helps or not but it's absolutely normal and natural and possible to feel both at the same time. Whatever happened, there was a time when you were utterly dependent on your mother in the womb and then one or both parents for absolutely everything and they obviously delivered on that as you physically survived infancy and that part of your brain remembers that. It's how we're programmed to respond to our primary caregivers at that age. Of course, when it's a fucked up relationship, it then goes wrong but we can't shake that contradictory core feeling. It's what holds families together. It had to, way back when. You personally are not broken or wrong or at fault for feeling both at the same time. It's all much a part of your as your body hair is left over from when we were primates covered in hair from head to foot with tails (I wish I had a tail) and living in the trees.

I know this because I've got a similar fucked up relationship with my family and the similar contradictions in my feelings towards and about them and I've had to come to accept that it is both possible and normal to feel two or three or many more opposing things all at the same time and for them all to be equally true and valid.

Xx

 

[bugs_for_brains]

I don't know if it helps or not but it's absolutely normal and natural and possible to feel both at the same time. Whatever happened, there was a time when you were utterly dependent on your mother in the womb and then one or both parents for absolutely everything and they obviously delivered on that as you physically survived infancy and that part of your brain remembers that. It's how we're programmed to respond to our primary caregivers at that age. Of course, when it's a fucked up relationship, it then goes wrong but we can't shake that contradictory core feeling. It's what holds families together. It had to, way back when. You personally are not broken or wrong or at fault for feeling both at the same time. It's all much a part of your as your body hair is left over from when we were primates covered in hair from head to foot with tails (I wish I had a tail) and living in the trees.

I know this because I've got a similar fucked up relationship with my family and the similar contradictions in my feelings towards and about them and I've had to come to accept that it is both possible and normal to feel two or three or many more opposing things all at the same time and for them all to be equally true and valid.

Xx

Thank you, the reminder/explanation of biological factors makes me feel a lot less confused about my feelings.



Sorry that your relationship with your family isn't great but thanks sm for the reply, makes me feel less crazy knowing other ppl are in similar predicaments :]

(Sorry if you got 2 notifs I think I messed up lol)

 

[Shimidori]

My parents were also... peculiar people, they supported me on some things and were probably on the better side of things when it came to my diagnosis of autism, but they also had an equal amount of times where they just made my life actively worse (They allowed a teacher to harrass me for over a year, and didn't even acknowledge they were wrong for an extra four years.). Part of me just detests them and wants them gone from my life for good, and it's no coincidence that the happiest periods of my life were the times where they were not capable of being near me, but another part knows that I can never completely hate them. They did the best they could to raise me, and just because they didn't do their best job doesn't mean they are heartless, they just didn't know better.

In a way, I am who I am because of them, both for the better and for worse. And you probably are on the same spot as me, it's just natural to not be sure what to truly feel about your parents, because we are not really capable of truly separating the good they did from the bad, and see which one was the part of them that wanted to do better, and which one was the result of their own upbringings.

 

[Ash]

My parents were also... peculiar people, they supported me on some things and were probably on the better side of things when it came to my diagnosis of autism, but they also had an equal amount of times where they just made my life actively worse (They allowed a teacher to harrass me for over a year, and didn't even acknowledge they were wrong for an extra four years.). Part of me just detests them and wants them gone from my life for good, and it's no coincidence that the happiest periods of my life were the times where they were not capable of being near me, but another part knows that I can never completely hate them. They did the best they could to raise me, and just because they didn't do their best job doesn't mean they are heartless, they just didn't know better.

In a way, I am who I am because of them, both for the better and for worse. And you probably are on the same spot as me, it's just natural to not be sure what to truly feel about your parents, because we are not really capable of truly separating the good they did from the bad, and see which one was the part of them that wanted to do better, and which one was the result of their own upbringings.

What is this parents acknowledging their wrongs witchcraft of which you speak?

Thank you, the reminder/explanation of biological factors makes me feel a lot less confused about my feelings.



Sorry that your relationship with your family isn't great but thanks sm for the reply, makes me feel less crazy knowing other ppl are in similar predicaments :]

(Sorry if you got 2 notifs I think I messed up lol)

I know the positive memes like to bang on about how we're all unique but when it comes to problem pages, we're really not! If there is a limbo or whatever, the road to it is paved with "yeah, me too".