Sometimes I don't even want to kill myself

[Doll Steak]

Currently I find myself not even being suicidal, but instead longing for change. This always seems to happen cause of whatever is wrong with me, I'm always switching between wanting things to change to wanting to just fucking kill myself violently. I hate my brain so so much.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

not me every time i think about things logically i know i want to kill myself and that i need to kill myself. the only time is when reality is out of my attention like when i'm focusing on some stupid youtube video, news, social media, media, video, or other addiction of course i forget then about me my life reality or what i need to do everything. i just become whatever is the subject of the many addictions that are the subject of the videos. you can only think about one thing at a time. these useless distraction addictions are why i haven't killed myself yet. but when i think about me my life or reality i know i need to kill myself

 

[TheEmeraldWitch]

Currently I find myself not even being suicidal, but instead longing for change. This always seems to happen cause of whatever is wrong with me, I'm always switching between wanting things to change to wanting to just fucking kill myself violently. I hate my brain so so much.

Hugsss. I know what you mean. For me spasms of trying to actually exist have gotten weaker and weaker over years of mental anguish. At this point tho the dreams of a life seem much too out of reach for any real movement on my part. I don't want to give up but I see no other way anymore. Seems far too far down to recover from

 

[Hollowman]

Going back and forth is torturous. I've been doing it for over three decades. Hopefully you can figure something out.

 

[secretghost]

that's a really stressful, painful feeling to be stuck in. sending you love, and some grace for yourself

 

[Doll Steak]

not me every time i think about things logically i know i want to kill myself and that i need to kill myself. the only time is when reality is out of my attention like when i'm focusing on some stupid youtube video, news, social media, media, video, or other addiction of course i forget then about me my life reality or what i need to do everything. i just become whatever is the subject of the many addictions that are the subject of the videos. you can only think about one thing at a time. these useless distraction addictions are why i haven't killed myself yet. but when i think about me my life or reality i know i need to kill myself

Yeah I get it, without the futile distractions I am full set on suicide, I tend to dissociate from a lot of things, the true state of the world and existence ESPECIALLY included.