Venting Something like me shouldn't have been born

[tsumihoroboshi]

I'm sorry i'm just going to rant and vent as the thoughts pour from the brain leakage. This is incomprehensible and completely insane.

I wish I belonged anywhere. I wish I had lived my life like my friends and never made mistakes and never hurt anybody. What's even the point in trying to "get better" when so many have left me because I have so much emotional baggage, lugging it onto a vehicle would cause it to swerve and crash killing everyone inside. I'm not a perfect "victim" and because I've been hurt, I've hurt others too. I can't move on from the sins of my past. I can't atone. I can't do anything. WHY get better when so many people just want me to die more than I do.

I shoudn't have even been born, I wasn't supposed to be. It was an accident and my mother didn't want that but my dad forced her to keep me. She says she doesn't regret a second I've been here, but I know that's not true from the terrible fights we've had over the years. I don't dislike my mom at all. I wish I were stronger like her. I don't know if I dislike my dad. They divorced when I was 3 and I've always had confusing feelings towards him. A stranger? Or a family member? Can I trust him? Despite that, I have an ok relationship with both of them now. My sister has 2 kids, my brother's wife just had their first baby a year almost ago now and I... have nothing, really. I dropped out of school when I was 15, never made it to high school, tried to get my GED when i was 18 and then failed my math test which set me back. After 2 weeks of Christmas vacation, it only took 2 weeks for me to forget how to socialise with normal humans again and I went back for 2 more days then dropped out again. All of these things have made me lose any contact I had with anyone IRL forever. I could never find old friends on social media. I don't think they remember me anyway.

I feel creatively bankrupt. I liked drawing, but every idea I have, someone's had and has done way better, drawing for myself doesn't even help. It's just fake. I canot call it imposter syndrome bcus i feel like that entails being good at something.. i dont' know.

I'm not even allowed to be happy or experience any joy. I don't when I made this deal with God, but if I am to feel even a millisecond of happiness, I'm instantly crushed. Terrible things happen. A family member dies, a pet dies, a friend leaves, someone loses their job, someone gets hurt. As long as I'm miserable there's at least balance so the people I have left in my life don't have to suffer because I was selfish for feeling any kind of joy, but i hate this. I want to be happy. I wish I could live, but it's draining me.

I can't keep a romantic relationship to save my life, i don't know I'm truly aro or if I just end up hating everyone I date because I get annoyed by them so easily that I split and I can't look at them anymore and I have to find a way to break it off because they only ever hurt me or pity me and then they tell their friends I was the one hurting them. I have terrible relationships with girls because I was always only abused by women. Mentally, sexually. I wish I could hate men the same way they all do, but I've only been creeped out by a couple of guys. They never really bother me save for a couple of cases at a psych ward I talked about somewhere here. It doesn't help a lot of my friends are lesbians too. It's great they were never abused the same I was by the same sex, but it is a very lonely feeling and I don't want to be misogynist just because of trauma.

I've dated one cis-gendered man once when I was 15 and the relationship trailed off because everytime he told me that he loved me, I could never say it back because I don't know what that means. Why is someone that I'm not related to saying that to me? It scared me. I created a social faux-pas by asking him not to say it anymore. Any normal person would be hurt by that and not want to stick around. He called me again a couple of months later, but by that point I'd already given my phone to my sister cus I didn't have any use for it anymore and when she told me about the call it was already 12 am when I woke up so I decided to call later but I never did because I was afraid of what he wanted to say. That was on Valentine's in 2009. A bit of time later I wanted to call him back but by then, my sister had a different sim card so the one with his number was gone and I went through the phone book of every person that shared his last name cus I couldn't remember his father's name and I called every number. No one was ever there. Had a friend find him on Facebook a long while later and he had moved on by that point. He's definitely married now and doesn't remember I exist and here I am still thinking about every single day of the past, never forgetting anyone.

I started self-harming when I was 13 mostly from peer pressure, oddly enough. My friendgroup was always saying "real emos cut themselves, ur not really one of us until u do." It was like some fucked up initiation, but I was like. Ok, bet. And now here i am over like 16 years later and I still do it and I know these people had to have stopped before getting into high school and having normal lives. All married now with kids. Living normally. And I have... failed attempt after failed attempt. It was probably always fear holding me back.

School was traumatic in it's own way, bullied over my (at the time) weird name by kids that were just racist towards me, bullied for developing earlier than my other female classmates, bullied for being stupid. I was psychologically tormented in junior high. They'd always throw my books to the floor. I've had them throw rocks at me. I came home crying everyday.
but i think I'd rather go back to that anyday than whatever the hell it is i'm doing now. I wish I could work, but nobody will help me. I'm disabled (i don't like admitting that at all it feels like an excuse) and I need constant help to do anything. I can't make a phonecall to save my life because I've always hated saying my name since I was a child bcus kids used to bully me so harshly over it. Now it's a pretty common name. Go figure. Still hate it. I've tried to make my own appointments but got my doctor's name wrong twice, and another time I could feel the lady on the other end getting impatient with me so I just hung up out of fear and had someone else do it.
I'm mentally stuck in that time, in junior high. I can't move on until I;ve done the 8th grade talent show with my friends. I even practiced! I've been practicing! I love the talent shows, I love pep rallies. I know the reality though. It's been over 16 years. This goal is impossible. I just can't move on from this moment in my life. I'm stuck here.

I fear doing anything because I'm doing it wrong. I can't drive, I'm extremely agoraphobic because I don't want to be killed by some rando. It's gonna be by my hands and my hands only. But I feel so much better when I do leave the house. I don't hate humanity. I like being around people. Crowds make me anxious, but I like them too. I only ever get to go out if someone else is going to. Otherwise I just stay here, surrounded by 4 walls. Every day. Go online. Try to make friends. Fuck everything up. What am I doing? Why can't I just be a good person? Why cna't I just be nice? Everyone else is nice and warm. Why can't that be me? Why am I so cold and heartless? Such a putrid, disgusting existence. I'm sorry anyone ever had the displeasure of looking at me.

There was a woman I met once at one of the psych wards I went to. She had one self-harm scar from when she was a teenager. She said it's embarrassing because people ask her if she got jumped and she has to say "no. I did that to myself". she said, "when you're a parent, it's embarrassing to tell people you did crazy things like harming yourself." I promised her I wouldn't do it anymore once I got discharged. I didn't keep that promise very long.

I just want to be happy, I just want to be kind. I can't do that when people are constantly reminding me why I'm in the shit in the first place. If I had been born beautiful I'd have a beautiful soul too. My sibling's kids are growing up. They're a real family. The world exists whether I interact with it or not. I mean... when I die, any trace of my existence will be wiped from people's memories anyways. They won't know what happened. They've already forgotten me. I'm filler until something better comes along. I've never once been the "better". Just filler trash.

This world is for the beautiful people. They're allowed happiness. Something as ugly as me shouldn't be breathing the same air as them. I don't know when my next attempt is because if I fail, they'll put me in the state hospital. Murderers have been there. Just absolute batshit scum go there. Is that where I truly belong then? Not dead, but locked in a facility with the rest of society's most violent rejects that even prisons don't want? Is that my life? Is that where I'm truly supposed to be?

I'm not gonna remember I wrote anything like this because I hate myself so much i refuse to look at anything i've previously written because I'm so fucking stupid and my words don't matte or mean anything at all. I write and then immediately forget. I don't want to percieve my own existence. I hate using personal pronouns like "i", "me", "mine", i'm a void. I don't exist. I never did.

There's way more I could go into about what a waste of useless space I am and the traumatic things I've had to endure growing up, but this has gone on long enough.
I'm sorry that you had to read such an ugly thing with ugly words. It'll go away one day, I just don't know when that is.
I just want people to be happy. Happy because I can never be. Everyone else deserves that chance.

I wish my soul had been beautiful.

 

[Linda]

That's a lot to respond to, so I'll try to focus on the essentials. Seems to me that you are looking at all the bad things in your life, and nothing else. No doubt there are lots of them, but your life has not been made up only of bad things. So long as you keep looking only at the bad things, you will be stuck. (If my head was full of only the bad things in my life, I would probably ctb right now. Or else go insane. So I think about other things.) You won't be able to forget the bad things, but you don't have to spend all the time thinking about them.

I think the first step is to practice thinking about some of the good things.

Try to love yourself. You deserve to be loved. You deserve it just as much as anyone else on this earth. Stop worrying about the fact that you are not perfect. I'm not perfect either. Nobody is perfect. And the people who think they are perfect tend to be among the most obnoxious people on the planet.

I don't know whether you will be able to pull your life together. You have a long road ahead, and it might be a difficult one. But I think you can at least get out of the dark place you are in right now, and that would be a start. Good luck.