Something I've noticed about my CTB

[sivvie]

So I've been thinking about why in the world am I so hesitant when it comes to drinking SN. My SI has been very high even though I have planned thoroughly and I think I've come up with some theories. I've attempted a couple of times in the past, but my two most recently ones were CO method and Exit bag. I failed CO method I guess because I didn't have enough charcoal, or my room was too big. And I thought the gas was flowing from the helium tank but it turned out that the nozzle was one I had to push down manually for anything to come out (I didn't know that at the time).

With both methods, I felt completely calm and ready to go. I was the one welcoming death through a warm embrace. I also didn't really know what I was doing, I didn't have that much knowledge about the methods and was just doing them because I heard about them.

I was also less worried in general. With SN, I keep worrying about its purity, not opening it too much, etc etc. With CO and EB there's less to worry about cause it's not like charcoal expires, and with helium it was either it worked and I passed out soon, or it didn't.

So I'm wondering now if it's because of all the preparations and things to worry about with SN that I'm overcome with SI now, or if it's just because I had my own room at the time? I don't know I just thought it would be interesting to share. Anyone else experienced something like this or have any ideas?

 

[Ldog9]

With my previous attempts, I dunno if it was SI or what, but the closer I got, the more i panicked and my anxiety went through the roof. Combined with brain fog, lack of sleep, etc I never was able to feel calm or ready to go. Even now, I've purchased N, and when I think about it or think of planning, I can feel myself get worked up, I start to get really anxious, bordering on a panic attack.

Its possibly it could be the methods, but also like you say, you really didn't know what you were doing with your previous attempts. From what I understand, SN is reliable when done correctly. I think the only thing you can do is try and eliminate variable priors or examine your internal thoughts to see if there are other reasons why you feel this way.

 

[Depressed Cat]

or if it's just because I had my own room at the time?

Don't you have your own room now?

If not, it can be a major factor. The fear of getting found (& hence interrupted) and being taken to hospital is another fear to add to the existing ones.

SN is a method that requires thorough preparation. Many SN attempts that were done impulsively have failed mainly because of the severe vomiting and SI kicking in and/or being interrupted.

I have SN now, but I have my concerns too. Wish I had N.