Venting Something is gone

[Venus13]

I've been doing trauma work this whole year. I thought maybe if I could clear some of this mental mess out and sort through it I would feel a release. The idea was to navigate and release some of the weight of the trauma. That way I would be lighter moving forward in "recovery".

The problem is I've released quite a bit of trauma. I took it to the surface, analyzed why it afflicted me, stood face to face with it without lying. I saw where it keeps playing out again and again in later life events.

The problem is that now that things are clearing out there is a black fucking void in there. I feel this cold cruel emptiness. Underneath the trauma there is nothing. I am nothing. It's horrifying. I have no attachment to anything in the worst way. I don't even recognize my own hands or body. That's me? I don't know where I am, what I am, where I should go. I'm dead already. I think I'm dead. All I have are my fantasies that make little to no sense.

I have sn on the way but I can't die this year. I have personal obligations to others around me. I'm going to go ahead and order the full protocol and attempt to fulfill the needs of others like I've always done until my final release date.

I'm glad I tried. Better to have tried and know there really wasn't hope. I feel at ease for once about the inevitabiliy of my suicide. I'm proud of myself for facing the truth.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be a relief to finally feel at ease with your decision. It does sound like you have suffered a lot. I wish you freedom for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really admire you for facing up to your trauma. Ashamed to say I'm not massively knowledgeable on the whole process- is it like psychoanalysis? Exploring events in your life to try and work through them? I can understand why you feel so frustrated and empty. It sounds like a traumatic thing in itself to relive some of your worst memories. You would hope that putting in all that work would help. I'm so sorry that it hasn't.

Starting to feel like not all things are fixable and not all things turn out for the best. Sometimes feel like it's something we tell ourselves and one another because the alternative is just too horrible to hear. I suppose we'd just all give up.

I wish you peace from your suffering- whatever you decide to do.