Someone you can rely on?

[LilGhost]

Honestly…. I just need some reassurance that I could still… live

I failed multiple attempts before so I need to face the reality, where I will be forced to stay alive for some time maybe even long time.
Thus, is unless I find how to get SN without getting arrested and stop being scared at "consequences of a failure" and what if what comes after will be worse then what's right now

But anyway… I am trying to find my inner peace and at least try for the [attempt] to recover (kept relapsing…. Maybe it just means it's all my 1st attempt in recovering that I just can't succeed in?)

So…. Through my whole life I didn't have someone to rely on. Even when I was a child, I was "asset" with my every move to calculate by my father if I am a worthy project or not (not trying to sound even edgy. Exact his words. Just few days ago I got from him that "he glad he put money in me as I am a project that pays out" or some bs like that. After even small arguments, he used to call me and my sibling projects, discussing after every wrong move how he's "not putting money in not worthy projects" and bs like that). Mother is depressed, agoraphobic that expects her children to treat her like a child, even when we were kids (also she's weird with religion and csa, but that's thread not about "wtf was wrong with my childhood" but instead "I could never rely on"). Major fights with sibling in childhood so couldn't rely on them either, now that we are older it's ofc better, tho they aren't in a state I could rely on them and it's just overall even when adult impossible for me to rely on my older relatives for different reasons

I thought I could rely on my friends…. They told me I could rely on them. I dont. Can't blame them, they weren't in a state to help me, they just promised they will but once I accepted the hand, told me they can't carry me and we don't talk anymore (p.s. I don't have anything against them. I survived the situation I thought I couldn't. It's more about "oh shit. I thought I found people I could rely on… we don't talk anymore so no, I still don't have anyone to rely on")

Partner? I never felt romantically in love with someone. Not even smallest crush. Any sexual conversation disgusts me, I am probably aro ace, tho I am so fucking want to be in love and loved. I just feel physically incapable to. I am this desperate, I am thinking of trying dating apps and pretending to be in love. I had friends push me on second plan for partners…. So I am never be able to be someone's special unless I lie

So…. My question is if anybody (especially those like me who couldn't rely on anyone for long) were able to find their shoulder? Someone you can call at 3am and they will actually come? I am not talking about those that say they will. People are quick to give empty promises all the time. I just want to find any reason to not give up on people. To try to be better. Try to be lovable enough without having to carry all weight on my shoulders

Am I…. condemned?

 

[ZwartHartje]

Sorry I can't give you advice, but all I can do is tell you that I'm in a very similar situation. I've never had anyone to rely on, only myself. And I'm also 100% asexual, perhaps more so than you since I couldn't even imagine to want to fall in love with any human.
The only ones I've ever really truly loved were of a different species. And then they all got murdered by (sub-)humans.
So I sure can't tell you that this world isn't terrible - because it is.

 

[selsel]

Honestly…. I just need some reassurance that I could still… live

I failed multiple attempts before so I need to face the reality, where I will be forced to stay alive for some time maybe even long time.
Thus, is unless I find how to get SN without getting arrested and stop being scared at "consequences of a failure" and what if what comes after will be worse then what's right now

But anyway… I am trying to find my inner peace and at least try for the [attempt] to recover (kept relapsing…. Maybe it just means it's all my 1st attempt in recovering that I just can't succeed in?)

So…. Through my whole life I didn't have someone to rely on. Even when I was a child, I was "asset" with my every move to calculate by my father if I am a worthy project or not (not trying to sound even edgy. Exact his words. Just few days ago I got from him that "he glad he put money in me as I am a project that pays out" or some bs like that. After even small arguments, he used to call me and my sibling projects, discussing after every wrong move how he's "not putting money in not worthy projects" and bs like that). Mother is depressed, agoraphobic that expects her children to treat her like a child, even when we were kids (also she's weird with religion and csa, but that's thread not about "wtf was wrong with my childhood" but instead "I could never rely on"). Major fights with sibling in childhood so couldn't rely on them either, now that we are older it's ofc better, tho they aren't in a state I could rely on them and it's just overall even when adult impossible for me to rely on my older relatives for different reasons

I thought I could rely on my friends…. They told me I could rely on them. I dont. Can't blame them, they weren't in a state to help me, they just promised they will but once I accepted the hand, told me they can't carry me and we don't talk anymore (p.s. I don't have anything against them. I survived the situation I thought I couldn't. It's more about "oh shit. I thought I found people I could rely on… we don't talk anymore so no, I still don't have anyone to rely on")

Partner? I never felt romantically in love with someone. Not even smallest crush. Any sexual conversation disgusts me, I am probably aro ace, tho I am so fucking want to be in love and loved. I just feel physically incapable to. I am this desperate, I am thinking of trying dating apps and pretending to be in love. I had friends push me on second plan for partners…. So I am never be able to be someone's special unless I lie

So…. My question is if anybody (especially those like me who couldn't rely on anyone for long) were able to find their shoulder? Someone you can call at 3am and they will actually come? I am not talking about those that say they will. People are quick to give empty promises all the time. I just want to find any reason to not give up on people. To try to be better. Try to be lovable enough without having to carry all weight on my shoulders

Am I…. condemned?

Yes there are people like that and you can find them, I luckily have some in my life and its true it makes some stuff a lot easier. And yes they are people i can and have called in the middle of the night and they were there for me (if they werent asleep that is) If you want to find someone I suggest u just go out there with the goal of not finding someone like that but just go out, meet people and sometimes they become friends. And sometimes some friends become shoulders. Go to spaces you can socialize well, a lot easier when ur in a big town but try out anything really ANYTHING (rlly it can be everything, a political group, a run club, a religious group, chess, soccer, shooting bows and arrows, dancing, book club, arts and crafts etc. Even go if you dont think the thing is actually smth ud like, go and try it out) bc its not rlly abt what the space is for but more if it has a good community. And if it does go there and keep going there. Start inviting ppl out for coffees individually.

 

[Nat.]

Honestly…. I just need some reassurance that I could still… live

I failed multiple attempts before so I need to face the reality, where I will be forced to stay alive for some time maybe even long time.
Thus, is unless I find how to get SN without getting arrested and stop being scared at "consequences of a failure" and what if what comes after will be worse then what's right now

But anyway… I am trying to find my inner peace and at least try for the [attempt] to recover (kept relapsing…. Maybe it just means it's all my 1st attempt in recovering that I just can't succeed in?)

So…. Through my whole life I didn't have someone to rely on. Even when I was a child, I was "asset" with my every move to calculate by my father if I am a worthy project or not (not trying to sound even edgy. Exact his words. Just few days ago I got from him that "he glad he put money in me as I am a project that pays out" or some bs like that. After even small arguments, he used to call me and my sibling projects, discussing after every wrong move how he's "not putting money in not worthy projects" and bs like that). Mother is depressed, agoraphobic that expects her children to treat her like a child, even when we were kids (also she's weird with religion and csa, but that's thread not about "wtf was wrong with my childhood" but instead "I could never rely on"). Major fights with sibling in childhood so couldn't rely on them either, now that we are older it's ofc better, tho they aren't in a state I could rely on them and it's just overall even when adult impossible for me to rely on my older relatives for different reasons

I thought I could rely on my friends…. They told me I could rely on them. I dont. Can't blame them, they weren't in a state to help me, they just promised they will but once I accepted the hand, told me they can't carry me and we don't talk anymore (p.s. I don't have anything against them. I survived the situation I thought I couldn't. It's more about "oh shit. I thought I found people I could rely on… we don't talk anymore so no, I still don't have anyone to rely on")

Partner? I never felt romantically in love with someone. Not even smallest crush. Any sexual conversation disgusts me, I am probably aro ace, tho I am so fucking want to be in love and loved. I just feel physically incapable to. I am this desperate, I am thinking of trying dating apps and pretending to be in love. I had friends push me on second plan for partners…. So I am never be able to be someone's special unless I lie

So…. My question is if anybody (especially those like me who couldn't rely on anyone for long) were able to find their shoulder? Someone you can call at 3am and they will actually come? I am not talking about those that say they will. People are quick to give empty promises all the time. I just want to find any reason to not give up on people. To try to be better. Try to be lovable enough without having to carry all weight on my shoulders

Am I…. condemned?

I didn't have a single friend until I was 18, when I started volunteering at an NGO and met people who thought like I did about many things. 16 years later, they're still there despite all the mess of a person I am. You're not doomed.