Discussion Someone has fallen for me and I want it to be over: a rant

[borntosuffer]

We like each other, but I don't understand why he likes me, of all people. I don't want anyone to fall in love with me. When I think about it, I start sobbing as if I did something wrong. I'm still young, but I may be aromantic in the sense that romantic dating or any romantic gesture involving myself does not interest me — in fact it repulses me. I mostly want to get married to conform to societal and religious standards, but that requires being in love with someone and them reciprocating those emotions, and I'm not ready to sign up for that yet. When I say I like them, it's not in a lovey-dovey "I love everything about them" sort of way. It's more of a, "I admire who you are and your intelligence, and we should be really close friends." Does that make me a jerk? I'd also like to note that it is possible I have a Cluster A personality disorder because I was given a prototype diagnosis in my teens, so that may affect my thinking and ideas about cultural norms. When they ask me out, I'm going to turn them down gently because I don't want to hurt this person's feelings. However, it is very likely that we will be dating in the future. This would be my first non long-distance relationship, and I admit that I'm scared. I don't want to hurt them.

 

[almaPerdida]

You are not being a jerk. If you decided to try anything with him now, you'd be uncomfortable and they'd think it's something wrong with them. You are preserving his feelings as well. You don't wanna hurt him and you are doing what's in your power to prevent that. Just seeing how you care about him and about not hurting him, it shows that you are not a jerk. You are being mature honestly, because you are trying your best not to hurt him.

There's nothing wrong with being aro, and if he loves you, he will understand that. He will be by your side regardless. You could try the honest approach, telling him how you feel about dating now and why. And saying you aren't ready and you wanna go as slow as possible, if you do wanna go forward with it.

I hope things work out for both of you, and i wish you luck.

 

[marina]

I've been diagnosed with cluster A and B before (Schizotypical, BPD, Histrionic), and I can say that dating with PDs can seem impossible sometimes. I struggle with feeling completely "flawed" in my ability to provide the role of 'partner'. With gentle honesty and taking things at a rate you are comfortable, long term success becomes a much higher probability. Always wait until you are ready; even if you believe your feeling are flawed.

It is always a more successful relationship if I am genuinely more comfortable, and not reshaping myself into a more pleasant partner.


I've had to turn down three people because of a similar situation, two took it easy and one took it too hard to talk to me, but after months of rumination over losing a close friend, I realized it was just.. an inescapable consequence of how the weird game works for some people. You cannot be a jerk in the name of self advocacy. I've had guys that were and were not ok with me having an aro-type relationship with them, but its just simply not up to us. For me its that some guys make me aro and have been my most productive and nice relationships, and those that aren't aro typically crash and burn after a couple months. Take your time, he should be able to understand well enough.

Good luck.

 

[MyLuckyStars]

i get that. im not a very passionate person, and don't feel intensely about that stuff the way a lot of people seem to. so many people have all these ideas of what theyd like to do once they finally find the romance of their dreams, or whatever. id be happy having a nice house and hanging around. part of it is that im just a self centered person by nature, though. nobody has ever really liked me much in particular before, so i dont really see things changing one way or the other. i managed to have sex twice in my life, and both times got the impression that it was horribly dull/uninteresting for the person i was with. id just feel bad if somebody chose me of all people. i literally dont even do anything, other than talk i guess.

 

[borntosuffer]

I've been diagnosed with cluster A and B before (Schizotypical, BPD, Histrionic), and I can say that dating with PDs can seem impossible sometimes. I struggle with feeling completely "flawed" in my ability to provide the role of 'partner'. With gentle honesty and taking things at a rate you are comfortable, long term success becomes a much higher probability. Always wait until you are ready; even if you believe your feeling are flawed.

It is always a more successful relationship if I am genuinely more comfortable, and not reshaping myself into a more pleasant partner.


I've had to turn down three people because of a similar situation, two took it easy and one took it too hard to talk to me, but after months of rumination over losing a close friend, I realized it was just.. an inescapable consequence of how the weird game works for some people. You cannot be a jerk in the name of self advocacy. I've had guys that were and were not ok with me having an aro-type relationship with them, but its just simply not up to us. For me its that some guys make me aro and have been my most productive and nice relationships, and those that aren't aro typically crash and burn after a couple months. Take your time, he should be able to understand well enough.

Good luck.

I greatly appreciate your input, especially since we were both diagnosed with Cluster A PDs. This makes me feel a lot better. Best of luck to you!

i get that. im not a very passionate person, and don't feel intensely about that stuff the way a lot of people seem to. so many people have all these ideas of what theyd like to do once they finally find the romance of their dreams, or whatever. id be happy having a nice house and hanging around. part of it is that im just a self centered person by nature, though. nobody has ever really liked me much in particular before, so i dont really see things changing one way or the other. i managed to have sex twice in my life, and both times got the impression that it was horribly dull/uninteresting for the person i was with. id just feel bad if somebody chose me of all people. i literally dont even do anything, other than talk i guess.

Oftentimes societal and cultural norms will pressure us to participate in relationships we don't truly want to pursue. My desire for a non-romantic, non-sexual but emotion-focused relationship is not that common for people of Western culture, as far as I've heard. We are still people with unique values, interests, and strengths despite our lack of romantic or sexual desire. Also, everyone is self-centered by nature, even myself who has a strong faith in God. Sometimes I, too, feel bad when people choose me to adjust their eyes upon. But know there's so much you can offer to other people rather than love and sex. Do what makes you comfortable.

You are not being a jerk. If you decided to try anything with him now, you'd be uncomfortable and they'd think it's something wrong with them. You are preserving his feelings as well. You don't wanna hurt him and you are doing what's in your power to prevent that. Just seeing how you care about him and about not hurting him, it shows that you are not a jerk. You are being mature honestly, because you are trying your best not to hurt him.

There's nothing wrong with being aro, and if he loves you, he will understand that. He will be by your side regardless. You could try the honest approach, telling him how you feel about dating now and why. And saying you aren't ready and you wanna go as slow as possible, if you do wanna go forward with it.

I hope things work out for both of you, and i wish you luck.

Thank you. He's a very sweet guy and I know he tries his best to be understanding. I know he just really needs a friend right now, and I don't think either of us are thinking about dating anytime soon, whether it be each other or somebody else. I will be gently honest with him when the time comes. And you're right, I'm more thoughtful than I am a jerk (which I'm not, I'm just hard on myself sometimes).