Some words from a truly shitty person.

[notmyusername]

I'm 18 years old, and I don't see much of a difference between me and a cold-hearted serial killer. My actions are still just as evil. And the worst part is that I don't ever change, and I just want the easy way out. Also, don't bother reading my ranting crap, advice is at the end of this post. The rest is just context.

I caused a lot of damage in these 18 years. I don't think it's a stupid thought to think that I will cause more damage if I continue to live. It's an objectively good decision for humanity, if I just take myself out of it. I am an example of what the world needs less of. I'm not going to change, every time I have tried. it has never failed to backfire. My past continues to haunt me, I continue to see the pain I've caused others.

There is no scenario in which I'm not the bad guy. Whether I try to move on and change or not. The sort of things I've done and do will stick with people. Ending my life is selfish, but so is living it. I am leaving my mistakes behind for the people I hurt to deal with. It's sick stuff. Yet, if I stay, I will continue to make the same mistakes over and over, and drive people to the point of insanity or crisis. If I'm gone, at least I can't do any worse. That'll just be it.

Maybe the truth is, I don't care enough about the people I've hurt to fix what I've done. I'd like to think that I do, but my solutions point to the fact that I don't. I've made myself a slave, begged for forgiveness, stopped acting like myself, but I could only keep up that act for so long. My true nature is just wrong. The ways I have tried to redeem myself are the most pathetic.

I don't take the advice shoved in my face, by the people I've hurt themselves. I refuse to do the simplest of favors, but want everything done for me. I am definitely one of the most selfish people I know. All I care about is my own comfort, and sleeping. The only way I have ever been able to show love is with money or gifts. No physical affection, not my time, not promises, not changing, not acts of service. I do the easiest thing for myself, always. My death will reflect it.

The abuse I've gone through was deserved. I wasted all of my goodness on the scum of the earth, and now I have none left to give. My creator is a vile woman. She passed her disgusting, cruel genes to me. Ending up this way, like her, was written in the stars. That's why I lived such a terrible life, it was deserved from the start. I deserved it for being a devil's child. I don't feel bad for myself, I don't want to work through it. I deserve the pain. It's the world's way of trying to give the people close to me an ounce of justice, and I won't take it away from them.

If you know a person like me, don't worry about them. They don't deserve it. There are just some shitty people in the world, let them go and don't make it harder for yourself. That's the best advice I can give you as one of the rare breeds of them that is truly self aware. We don't change, don't waste your time or you may end up like us, and it's not a great fate.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's hard not to feel bad for you because you are so self aware and it sounds like it really sucks. Ultimately, how 'guilty' are we if we have dodgy genes and a dodgy upbringing that enhances those genes? Have you tried to diagnose yourself with anything by any chance?

It's a really tricky one really. From my own experience, I grew up with someone who made my life hell. Years later, I began watching YouTube videos to try and fathom their strange behaviour and so much of it was there in narcissistic personality disorder. It doesn't sound like you have that.

But overall, it does sometimes leave me with a quandary. I probably should feel sorry for this person but, I find it hard to if I'm honest. They are the reason I became suicidal to begin with. It's so hard to believe people like this behave the way they do (outright lieing and being spiteful) without being conscious of it. Again- that's not to say you do or did this. Your misdemeanors sound more self absorbed than spiteful. I expect most of us have been selfish at certain times in life. Not to excuse it but, it's maybe not the worst crime.

I do feel bad for you though. It sounds like you do feel guilty on some level and it sounds like you don't like yourself much, which has got to be painful.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

Maybe that won't mean much to you, but just from reading this I really don't think you are the bad guy. The truth is, shitty people never take responsibility for their actions, they always blame others for everything. You don't seem like one of those people. You are not in fault for not being able to provide for other people, caring for others can be really hard if you are not mentally stable. Even if you hurt them along the way, just know that it wasn't your intention and it's not really your fault that it happened. I know that the feeling of guilt can be really painful, but you need to let go of these feelings and just work on yourself as much as you can. I truly believe that you can turn your mentality around if you'll try hard enough.

 

[executioner1983]

Feels almost as if I could have wrote this myself. I'm a shitty person who is most surely going to hell if it exists. I want to get better but I don't know if I can allow myself, it just doesn't feel right when you know you don't deserve it; some thoughts and actions seem too unforgivable to ask for absolution. I don't really know how to get around that but I sure am trying.