Venting some things i have been thinking about lately

[TotalDesolution]

it's been a while since i registered on this site, i remember joining because i wanted to understand a good friend of mine better who is a member here. i met him a few years back but we have been quite distant for the last 2 years until a few months ago when we became close again. i know he wanted to ctb in august and i know i unknowingly stopped it from happening by spending time with him, by showing him what it means to be loved, by giving his mind peace and home, by being there for him and him being there for me. i was in a really bad state at that time too, i had a heavy wave of depression - the worst one i've had so far and i really did have bad ones - i also suffered for the first time in my life from suicidal thoughts even though i kept reminding myself i actually did want to live. i have since then been in a psychiatric hospital, tried several kinds of meds and therapys. my friend was always by my side even with my alcohol dependencies which i sadly could not stop during my clinical stay but we helped each other with our presence. i got better. i do think he did too. but since new years eve i feel like I'm drowning. my new years eve party didn't turn out as expected, i started feeling hopeless and empty again, i am so fucking scared i am losing everything i build with my whole strength the last months but i feel so weak, so bodyless, I'm drowning myself and my thoughts, my body, my mind and my damned soul in alcohol. when my depression hit again the hardest time so far back in July i often thought about suicide but it wasn't as hard for me as it is right now to distant myself from it. i had planned to end my life in the first week of January and i wish i could do it. i still got my mom i know she loves me and i know i would destroy her. i still have my friend who tried so hard too the last months to stay away from here too so i won't be worried which makes me feel even more bad. i feel like i did everything i had to do in my life, my purpose is done whatever it was, i feel like i'm at my end, my body hurts every day, i feel lost and pressured from fucking everyone and everything, i hate my job, I'm scared of losing control over my life, i'm also scared of hurting people but i just do not feel like i belong here any longer. i have been lurking here for long and looking for reliable methods, since i used to work at a hospital it wouldnt be that hard to get some meds from there but i still believe those wouldn't be as certain as some other resources i read about. i am also really scared of what is happening after its all over but i also do think there is a low of comfort in all those souls that have gone before me. before us and that they are waiting for us somewhere, conscious or not. i think it makes dying kind of beautiful.
i hope for all of us we may find peace,

much love

ps. a nice song that got me through a lot: Luminary - Joel Sunny
(it's worth listening to, it opens my mind to emotions i haven't felt before)