Venting Social life

[traumer]

I don't know if anyone else feels the same but I realized that I always try to speedrun my social life. To be more clear, I always try to achieve that person who I'm afraid that they won't like me and whenever I achieve their friendship or love everything lose all meaning. All of these feel like a game and I'm not able to act like my own self in my social life. I'm more likely to cut off all my contact with my friends whenever I get tired of acting like I enjoy that lifestyle we share. I don't enjoy anything, I don't enjoy swearing at people, I don't enjoy being mean and I don't enjoy being nice. Whichever concept I try to assimilate, I don't enjoy it. I'm just there to be seen like I'm actually one of them and that I actually think that I could keep living like this until the day I'm dead. But I always think about the day that they will change their opinions on such topics we all have similar ideas of. It doesn't feel like I'm a real person with feelings, I don't think that anyone should take me accountable because I don't feel or think anything when I'm doing things. I just say things and do stuff but they don't have any meaning.

That one dumb kids game I started playing, just to feel something again. I had a bunch of new friends whom I will stop talking to in 2 months.