So tired

[hamvil]

Hi,

I just joined this forum after lurking for a little while. It is two years since my life started going worse and worse everyday. Until 2020 I was purely focused on my job. It was a dream job where I could put a lot of creativity, I could travel around the world, and I could interact with the top personalities in my sector. It took me 10 years of my life to reach a managerial position giving up family, friends, relationship with my wife, etc. All it took was a bad tweet from my side to get fired and loose it all.

After changing three jobs and three countries and I am back in my home country with a stable but boring and insignificant job. I know I will be never more than I was until 2020. I know that was the top of my life and everything after that will be just a shadow.

These troubles made me realise that I have no friends in this world. I have never been good with keeping friendships. I find it difficult to talk with people outside the workplace. Well, even in the work place I had troubles. I was left alone just because of my position, but all I managed to do these years was picking up fights with everybody. I slowly realised that this was not really my fault. This may sound like a cheap excuse, but I really do not understand how communication work, I find it difficult to know how to handle discussions, and I am useless at understand non-verbal clues. The result is that I get nervous very quickly when I do not understand what is happening around me. At the end of the day I am not able to function in this world.

I have no friends to talk with, I never receive a message or a call from anybody. The life with my wife is empty but I do not dare to divorce because I would be even more alone. I do not know how to approach women or how to talk with them. Tbh I am not that interesting as person, since I dedicated myself totally to my job I do not have hobbies or passions. I have superficial knowledge of some nerdy things but really enough to become interesting for people in that stuff.

I am 43 and I am so tired of all of this, so so tired. I have been treated for depression and I have spent two years in therapy. I stopped both. The treatment for depression resulted in me making more and more silly choices in the last years. The only good side was that I could sleep, now I barely sleep, I am most of the night trapped in my mind crying. Therapy did not help either, we touched the topic of suicide but the therapist tried to avoid it. I did not push it anymore after that.

Sorry for my english and for the logic of my post, not quite sure if it can be understood or not.

Please forgive me in advance if in the future I post something wrong.

I would like to stay here for a while, document myself, and if I manage to gather the courage take that step. At the moment I am so scared.

 

[Euthanza]

Hi, welcome to the forum and sorry for all the troubles that bring you here. I hope you'll find what you're looking for.

I just turned 44 this year, I have partner that celebrated my b'day eventhough I told him not to. I'm gay from Indonesia, never had any meaningful works in my life, only managing not so much inheritances (compared to my married siblings) from my deceased parents is what keeping me alive so far. We can be friends. Where do you live now if you don't mind revealing?

 

[hamvil]

I will actually turn 43 in a few days. I will get a cake from my wife with the candle. I like that, as I like little package under the xmas tree. I am not here looking for friends more looking for like-minded people. I will fail at any friendship I start, I am 43 I know that there is not point in trying. I will fail also at any romantic relationship I try. I may talk with a person for a little while, but at some point I will fuck it up as it has always happened in my life. I just do not know how to function in this world. Even when I have to manage daily stuff with public offices I end up screaming at people as I am unable to understand what is happening around me.

 

[Nirrend]

Welcome @hamvil !

By reading you, a lot of people here will understand and empathize on what you've said.

I understand the fact that focusing on the job create an illusory feeling of happiness, like ideation.

To answer things you telled us, you're understandable, you're clear and even if we don't know you, I'm sure that you are interesting.

Those for whom you feel uninteresting arn't those who will consider and love you for what you are here !

I understand what you live, I don't have many friend, I'm isolating myself more and more everyday, I only lived for work too.

In any cases, take the time you need here to become more familiar with this place and members.

Wishing you a good day !

Sending you love dear @hamvil <3

 

[Hope:-)]

'The treatment for depression resulted in me making more and more silly choices in the last years.'
That happened to me- terrifying how many people that has happened to. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I lost a lot in my life also. Some people never had a good life- I did and it hurts to have the comparison. You're right though- this stuff is scary. Taking these steps is scary
Wishing you the best. x

 

[hamvil]

'The treatment for depression resulted in me making more and more silly choices in the last years.'
That happened to me- terrifying how many people that has happened to. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I lost a lot in my life also. Some people never had a good life- I did and it hurts to have the comparison. You're right though- this stuff is scary. Taking these steps is scary
Wishing you the best. x

My therapist told me that also before I did not have a perfect life. Maybe it is true, but I had a dream job where I could express my creativity. Maybe it covered all the other problems, but at least I had something. Now I am 43 and it is too late to rebuild my career, I did try but I just do not have anymore the energy or the willpower. I have a very safe job (it is in the public administration and in this country it means I am economically safe for life) but I know I will never be more that I was before.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I'm sorry that you have to suffer like this. This life certainly is so tiring and depressing. I wish you the best.

 

[SexyIncél]

A psychologist recently told me that creativity is a form of death. Psychosis, hallucinations. Workaholics engage in death, losing themselves in work.

He also said that you die before you physically die. Maybe you can embrace death by reinventing yourself completely; go elsewhere and work to become a completely different person. (Obviously, you retain your intelligence and some other things.) If you fail, then you can physically kill yourself.

Or you can dispense with death, accepting your life and yourself as-is.

At least that was his advice. Choose between embracing or dispensing with death. He did it himself.

 

[hamvil]

A psychologist recently told me that creativity is a form of death. Psychosis, hallucinations. Workaholics engage in death, losing themselves in work.

He also said that you die before you physically die. Maybe you can embrace death by reinventing yourself completely; go elsewhere and work to become a completely different person. (Obviously, you retain your intelligence and some other things.) If you fail, then you can physically kill yourself.

Or you can dispense with death, accepting your life and yourself as-is.

At least that was his advice. Choose between embracing or dispensing with death. He did it himself.

I tried three jobs and three countries. Ok the job were more or less related with the previous one but that is all I could find. I have a very niche skillset. I did try to learn new things but failed. I used to work 70-80 hours per week before, now I can barely managed 2 hours per day.

Sorry to say but I do not like much the line of reasoning about accepting life as it is. It is not easy as it looks like.

 

[emgrl]

I tried three jobs and three countries. Ok the job were more or less related with the previous one but that is all I could find. I have a very niche skillset. I did try to learn new things but failed. I used to work 70-80 hours per week before, now I can barely managed 2 hours per day.

Sorry to say but I do not like much the line of reasoning about accepting life as it is. It is not easy as it looks like.

I feel your pain. Nothing in my situation can change, and I really wish people would stop telling me to "give it time". I have been out of work for almost two months now, not expected to return until October now. My anxiety is still through the roof. I know you said you're not good at talking, but I'm around if you need, or you're up to it.

 

[SexyIncél]

Yeah

I tried three jobs and three countries. Ok the job were more or less related with the previous one but that is all I could find. I have a very niche skillset. I did try to learn new things but failed. I used to work 70-80 hours per week before, now I can barely managed 2 hours per day.

Sorry to say but I do not like much the line of reasoning about accepting life as it is. It is not easy as it looks like.

Yeah sorry, I should've read more carefully. I was musing about what he said to me, without carefully checking whether it really applied to you.

I'm all for gathering the courage to physically free yourself from this crappy, boring-ass world. Again, sorry.

 

[hamvil]

I feel your pain. Nothing in my situation can change, and I really wish people would stop telling me to "give it time". I have been out of work for almost two months now, not expected to return until October now. My anxiety is still through the roof. I know you said you're not good at talking, but I'm around if you need, or you're up to it.

I am very scared about talking over the phone. I would freeze up immediately. If that changes I will let you know. But I appreciate a lot the gesture, really a lot. I feel sad that I am not able to accomodate it. Nobody ever told me in my life to call if I need something, nobody ever write a short message to me to ask me how I am. I created this I know, I tend to push everybody away.

I hate this "give it time" or "the past is the past". I tried to move forward but I physically cannot. I remember how it was before and I know I will never have that again. A big hug to you. I hope we find what we are looking for.