Story So this is the end...

[CarlLostHisMarbles]

Hello everyone.


I am new to the forum but happy to be here among likeminded people. I'm excited to say I have my CTB date decided, and I am preparing for my departure. Even though my presence on this forum will be brief I hope to make positive connections in my final days.

A brief backstory...I am a trans person who grew up in a conservative Christian home. My parents denied me every self-expression, told me I would go to hell for my depravity, and then when I developed severe depression and anxiety they locked me away in a mental institution. When I was finally released, my family acted like nothing happened, and expected me to act as a well-adjusted adult in a capitalistic society. They also feel the need to put me down about those times at random periods. Needless to say I have not adjusted well to "reentering" society.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis that put me in extreme pain before I even turned 23. I was without a career, no support, and struggling to make ends meet when I was experiencing the worst pain of my life. 6 years later it has not gotten better but worse. I'm constantly fighting with employers and medical professionals about my condition. I was living in my car/ couch surfing before but by working from 5am - 10:30pm every day I got a place...barely. But now I can't sustain that work and I am once again without money. I will be losing my apartment and my car. On top of that I am in a lot of pain most days. I have decided that enough is enough and I will be taking my life into my own hands to end my suffering.

I have about two weeks to live and I'm wondering what I should do in the meantime. I could go to work, but I didn't see a purpose for that before I decided to CTB and I don't see a purpose now.

In the community's opinion what are some good things to do in the last days that I am alive that won't alert people to my intentions?

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful what you are going through, it's certainly cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best of luck, I hope that you find freedom from all the suffering.

 

[4everDone]

I'm so sorry about your pain which is caused by the things you didn't choose to happen. A few years ago I could never understand how could pain be so overwhelming, but things changed and I'm with you on this. I hope it will be smooth for you to go because you deserve peace.

As for what to do in the mean time hmm it's a bit complicated. Before the last time I attempted I had this idea to eat as much as I can, but the result was that my mind became fogged and it was hard to focus on the departure. So if you want to eat something I'd suggest get something you really like but don't over feed yourself.
The other options would be hmm drugs? If easily accessable then just have a blast or something.
Maybe there are other things that would make your time before departure meaningful, something like yeah this thing gives my life a peak or something.
That wouldn't be my because I am so deadly bored of everything. I want to cook stuff I see online and just devour those delicious dishes, but I don't have a kitchen lol

My only real advice is that you have to be very focused and clear minded in the process of your departure. Having to be able to achieve the end point is a true blessing.
Good luck.

 

[Doombox]

You have really been through it. To answer your question, I am spending that time getting my affairs in order, and though I wouldn't say it's fun there's a certain satisfaction. If I didn't have that to do, I would probably just relax and watch videos. Maybe if you don't go to work for the first time you can just fully relax for a while.

 

[restless.dreams]

Welcome to the forum! What you decide to do is completely up to you. I plan to spend time on activities that help me feel calm and at peace -- cuddling with my cats, watching my favorite movies, and listening to songs that remind me of better times <3

 

[Linda]

Your situation reminds me of Leelah Alcorn, a trans girl, who committed suicide back in about 2015, after equally bad treatment by religious parents. She threw herself under a truck. Her case became quite well known because she left a suicide note online, timed to be sent out after she had died. I am still haunted by her last words "Fix society. Please.". I have tried very hard to do that, but society, at least in the US, has become much worse since she died. Cases like yours and hers make me very angry, and I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through.

Rheumatoid arthritis is a horrible disease and, as I'm sure you know, there is no cure. I don't think there is even much prospect of a cure in the near future. I can well understand that you feel it's time to go.

As regards what to do between now and ctb, I suggest getting out and just looking at the world. You need no longer have any cares about anything, so just enjoy what beauty our planet has to offer.

There will always be support for you on this site between now and your departure, if you need it.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you have a peaceful journey.

 

[CarlLostHisMarbles]

You have really been through it. To answer your question, I am spending that time getting my affairs in order, and though I wouldn't say it's fun there's a certain satisfaction. If I didn't have that to do, I would probably just relax and watch videos. Maybe if you don't go to work for the first time you can just fully relax for a while.

Relaxing is a good idea. It is such a foreign concept to me. Now that everything is decided, and I don't have to worry, that sounds blissful.

I'm so sorry about your pain which is caused by the things you didn't choose to happen. A few years ago I could never understand how could pain be so overwhelming, but things changed and I'm with you on this. I hope it will be smooth for you to go because you deserve peace.

As for what to do in the mean time hmm it's a bit complicated. Before the last time I attempted I had this idea to eat as much as I can, but the result was that my mind became fogged and it was hard to focus on the departure. So if you want to eat something I'd suggest get something you really like but don't over feed yourself.
The other options would be hmm drugs? If easily accessable then just have a blast or something.
Maybe there are other things that would make your time before departure meaningful, something like yeah this thing gives my life a peak or something.
That wouldn't be my because I am so deadly bored of everything. I want to cook stuff I see online and just devour those delicious dishes, but I don't have a kitchen lol

My only real advice is that you have to be very focused and clear minded in the process of your departure. Having to be able to achieve the end point is a true blessing.
Good luck.

There is a booming drug market by my apartment...so an idea for sure. Probably would help me relax too.

 

[moron]

I second the drugs suggestion. Maybe getting a little high might help you feel better and change your perspective on things somewhat. They call it self-medicating for a reason

 

[Doemu]

Sorry that you ever had everthing against You like that.

Maybe You would like to test some new foods. Sorry that i can't tell You something better to do. Never learned to enjoy life.

 

[mortuarymary]

I second the drugs suggestion. Maybe getting a little high might help you feel better and change your perspective on things somewhat. They call it self-medicating for a reason

I agree
sending hugs