So much to relate to

[lonelywander]

I'm pretty new to this site. I feel like I relate to so much of what everyone is saying. After reading the posts for awhile, I'm not so suicidal anymore. It's such a grievous, final option. But I'd do it yesterday if it wouldn't hurt my loved ones having done it. I'm not ready to accept having to stay here and learning to cope. Copious amount of pain. Just getting by day by day.
How about you?

 

[Huntfish34]

I agree wholeheartedly, this site and the people within it are basically like a family to me now. And 1 of the biggest reasons why I haven't blown my brains out yet; is because of family , friends and loved ones. Extremely grievous for sure, it's almost downright maddening. =/

Yepp, 1 day at a time..... All we can really do. Welcome to S.S., thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen. ♥

 

[Housefly]

As much as we are different, we have the same instinct to fix something that seems broken even if that includes ourselves. I'm glad you're doing better, hopefully you don't have to stay here too long

 

[lonelywander]

Ì don't know where to post these feelings, so I'm posting here.
I don't know who I am, why I'm here or what my purpose is. I feel presumptuous as I write this. Even entitled. Who am I to be given so much? Of all living here, who of us are given these answers? I'm not okay not knowing these things right now. It all seems so pointless.
I've always failed in my relationships/relating to others throughout my life. I've never gotten along well with others. I remember one incident a year or two before kindergarten. My brother and I were playing together in a room at our church when another little girl joined us. She was younger than me. My brother turned and started playing with her. Out of what must have been pure jealousy, I took a hymnal and whacked her bottom so hard her head hit the glass wall in front of her. She was so hurt. She cried. I was spanked and made to apologize for what I'd done. I remember standing in the parking lot, crying as I did.
Oh well, just the beginning. I've felt like such a failure for so long. And the things I thought were so important to succeed at when I was younger are so unimportant now.
My first goal now is to put myself in a position of self reliance. Where I'm well enough to stop needing others to take care of me. That's gonna take awhile.

 

[Mr2005]

Trying to help others has given me a purpose and will probably kill me in the process

 

[lonelywander]

May I ask how it will kill you? I like the idea of helping others. Except for the times it's not wanted.
Honestly, there's a part of me that wants to help others, but doesn't know how. I also want to acknowledge how selfish I am. I question my motives. I don't like being someone's charity project, so I don't want to do that to others. Equality, dignity, respect. Humility.

 

[lonelywander]

I have nowhere else to go, so I'm back here, talking. I tried to delete my last post, but the function isn't available for some reason. I don't want to be preachy or offensive, yet I seem to be so.
It's so easy to preach, so hard to do.
The pain is real. I feel lost and alone. Searching for answers I'll never find.
I used to believe love was the answer. But do others feel loved by me as much as I want to feel loved? I want to. Gets lost in translation.

 

[azhagaar]

May I ask how it will kill you? I like the idea of helping others. Except for the times it's not wanted.
Honestly, there's a part of me that wants to help others, but doesn't know how. I also want to acknowledge how selfish I am. I question my motives. I don't like being someone's charity project, so I don't want to do that to others. Equality, dignity, respect. Humility.

as someone who thought helping others was my life purpose, it can in fact hurt oneself in the process . . . i poured my whole heart into someone and it was so draining; i lost myself; nothing ever felt like enough . . . it became a spiral of negative emotions that i couldn't recognise because i've forgotten how to take care of myself . . . i never knew how to do that to begin with . . . being selfless is great, but there's a line and if you cross it . . . you can lose so much . . .
and even though i was so selfless, i still felt like a selfish narcissist even though i wasn't.
if you want to help others, ask and pay attention to their needs. think about what you can do to provide and ask them if it will help them. but don't do what i did and neglect your own needs, because self care is important too.
the Bible says, "So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Corinth 9:7)
give with a gracious attitude and do what's just, and it comes to the point where there's nothing you can do to help, just you being supporting is enough

 

[Unbelonging]

I agree that this site is really relatable. My whole life has been spent with pro-lifers who always judge me and misunderstand me when I talk about my feelings. I've spent my whole life feeling like I'm completely alone in how I feel about life, and that I'm weird and that there's something wrong with me, but the people on this site have shown me that I'm not alone or crazy, and that I'm correct in how I feel, because ctb can be a rational decision in some cases. Pro-lifers say that this site drives people to ctb, but in my case it has prevented me from ctb'ing because I feel like I've finally met people who understand me

 

[lonelywander]

Thanks so much for the response. This is really a mixed bag for me. My own insecurity and inadequacy come in play. I agree that listening and observing is important. An important step for me is self care, so I don't come in from a position of neediness. Humility is called for. Being kind and building another up are things I try to do. Always grateful for kindness shown to me.
I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. I sometimes feel the only way to understand how to truly help others is through the Holy Spirit. This may be a cop out, but I believe it's really the best way to help others, if I can do it.
Another way is to suspend judgment. Accept others as they are.
I relate to you not knowing how to take care of yourself. I grew up the baby of the family. There was always someone older to take care of me. Hence, taking care of myself is one of my weaknesses.
How are you doing now with these things?

 

[SeaBreeze]

I'm an only child, but after reading your story I can relate to a few dilemmas and share a short story that helped way more than I expected.
Yesterday I took the day off, went to breakfast at a favorite restaurant, then boarded the local bus without a specific destination.
I never imagined myself being that social again, but just a few strangers helped boost my mood wonderfully!