so much misery

[halcyon]

I'm so tired. I'm tired of watching everyone around me become something good, meanwhile I'm suspended in the same misery that I've called home for years now...

I'm tired of waking up, I'm tired. My ex girlfriend, the love of my life, has found someone new. She's happy now, she's so happy. And I'm stuck here now. I'm stuck here.. I can never leave this pain, not until I die. The agony is a part of me, it's not separate from my body anymore, it is me. I am misery, and misery is me.

How could she just find someone new? How could she just leave me and love someone else, after so much time together? How... Why can't I? Why can't I love someone else? Why am I cursed with having to feel her absence with every breath I take, and she can just walk away from me with no second thoughts?

I was fully prepared to die with her, to lay down beside her and end my life. I wanted to. I didn't want to live without her, I still don't. And to think that she's gone forever, when we were supposed to die by each other's sides.. It's driving me insane. I can't bear the thought of never feeling her touch, I can't bear the thought of dying without her hand in mine.

She was, and still is, the love of my life. I'll never love again. I don't want to love again. There is nobody after her. I've tried. Hell, I've tried. I've tried dating again. I've done all I can to just move on, but when I'm fucking some other girl it's always her on my mind.. I don't want anyone, I don't want anyone if they aren't her. I want to spend the rest of my days until my death alone.

Obviously, my reasons for CTB go beyond the loss of my ex, because we planned to die together. But losing her was the straw that broke the camel's back. Losing her has set me over the edge. If I just had a gun, it would've been over the night she told me she never loved me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine it must be painful what you are going through, I'm sorry you are in this situation, it can be devastating to lose someone. I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are in so much pain. I wish you the best.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I understand your pain all too well. I felt all those same emotions and confusion and anger when I was left by someone I thought was my forever. So, I know nothing I say will truly help or give you much comfort or solace...they'd only sound trite, and the platitudes they are (even though they'd come from a genuine place). I just wanted to leave this comment so you'd know someone out here understands. The one bit of (lame) advice I can give is to try your best - and this is VERY DIFFICULT TO NOT DO, I realize - to not try to understand or figure out your ex's logic or reasoning, or any "why"s about how she could do what she did or move on so quickly. It's an exercise in futility and only feeds the pain. But again, I know you can't really always stop your mind from going those places.... I'm so sorry this happened to you and sorry you are experiencing such betrayal and hurt. Sending you all my support and understanding.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

I fell this completely. When I was 18 (my first love) and I were inseparable, but one day she came clean and "out of the closet" stating "Men are nothing but trouble" yet her friends told her "WTF he's a good guy and did nothing to you" (Not to make myself look like a saint, but I treat everyone kindly until they betray me). it was indeed one of the most lonliest times in my life (still alone, got sadly used to it) My parents and I no longer had a relationship, my siblings were heartless and friends at the time were knee deep in *censored*. Seeing how I already tried catching the bus 3 times prior to this, I knew I was stuck and all I could think about is her smiling for someone else, kissing someone else... it drove me until a really bad mental break down. What did I do? Left home temporarily. Just distracted myself from all the places that reminded me of us and eventually made peace with it and returned home. Guess the point I'm making is try your hardest to breathe and distract yourself with other things. That's IMPOSSIBLE to do and it will take a while to get the hang of it. My heart goes to you, sad that happy times don't matter to the other person for their own selfish reasons. shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help what my heart feel for. No one should be betrayed or destroyed in any way. I am truly sorry. I hope you can heal.

 

[Ligottian]

At least you had a girlfriend. I've never had one.

 

[marinekiwi]

I'm very sorry you're in such a painful situation. Breakups surely are one of the most painful things to experience.
I can relate because I experienced almost the same situation as you. And, even though a year has already passed, it still hurts so much.
I've dated other people to see if I can heal, but so far I've only found literally assholes or just one night standers.
Nothing like that love of my life. I still miss him a lot, I see his face in every guy I dated afterwards. Yet I refuse to know how's he doing, because it'll only add suffering.
I suggest you to do the same. Just ignore her whereabouts.
I came to the conclusion that I'll never feel his touch again, that I won't ever hear him calling me sweetheart anymore...

And yet that's not the reason I want to ctb someday soon.
It's the fact that I can't stand this world any longer. Something is inherently rotten in this society.
As agent Smith said in matrix: "I hate this place, this zoo, this prison, this reality, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. I must get free!"

 

[Snake of Eden]

Its been two years since the last time I saw them two years ago. Life brought us apart. Not my fault and not theirs thank god. I cant bring myself to learn how they are doing yet I think about them everyday and I genuinely hope they are happy and not alone or suffering. I already made my peace that we are not meant for this lifetime and I wholeheartedly hope that whatever higher power in the universe will bring us together again in a future becoming where we can truly be perfectly happy with no annoyances or struggle. I sincerely believe this life is never meant to be happily ever after and it is really not if you think about it on a deeper level. I think of this life as a teaser for what comes next. Good or bad. It will divide and separate and will become wholesome experienxes devoid of overlap as a result. Until then I will just do my best and wait

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Its been two years since the last time I saw them two years ago. Life brought us apart. Not my fault and not theirs thank god. I cant bring myself to learn how they are doing yet I think about them everyday and I genuinely hope they are happy and not alone or suffering. I already made my peace that we are not meant for this lifetime and I wholeheartedly hope that whatever higher power in the universe will bring us together again in a future becoming where we can truly be perfectly happy with no annoyances or struggle. I sincerely believe this life is never meant to be happily ever after and it is really not if you think about it on a deeper level. I think of this life as a teaser for what comes next. Good or bad. It will divide and separate and will become wholesome experienxes devoid of overlap as a result. Until then I will just do my best and wait

I sent you a PM, I think.