Venting So much I want to do, so little time

[kvorumese]

Hello, dear reader! I would like to vent a bit.

I hate living on this planet. I hate governments, I hate wars, I hate apathetic people, I hate my place of residence, I hate my financial situation, I hate that there's no surefire peaceful way to catch the bus, I hate this society! Our civilization is breaking apart into unsurmountably small chunks, and people don't seem to care, because it's become the norm.

I don't want to live on this planet. I cannot live with my thoughts, I cannot live while I remember my past, I cannot live while some people seep poison into my life and other people's lives, I cannot live anywhere because all countries in the world are imperfect, I cannot live where I live because my thoughts are illegal here, I cannot live knowing what the future has set out for me.

I want to end my life as soon as possible. I want to stop living, I want abandon everybody I know while leaving a note that will provide closure to everybody I've known, I want to never ever suffer because of other people's actions, I want to never ever remember of how much bullshit I've done to disfigure my own life.

But before I leave, I need to do some stuff. I need to earn enough money to retire my lovely parents, I need to think through all my final notes to express all of my thoughts and beliefs, I need to finish a couple of my passion projects, I need to meet my online friends in real life, I need to visit a couple countries.

And additionally, there's stuff that I want to do. I want to major in linguistics because I love languages, I want to give & get regular hugs from my lovely friends, I want to learn two more languages, I want to outlive my president.
And every day, something else comes up.

If I continue to accumulate this, I'll have stuff to do that would let me live until 50 years of age. I do not want to live until 50 years of age. I want to die as soon as I possibly can, leaving this mess of a planet, this bullshit of a society to everybody else to deal with.

And I can't just tell myself to stop pursuing my dreams.
But when I die, my actions won't matter anymore.
I just need to give up.
I have to.
There's no other option if I want to reduce my suffering.

 

[identity0]

An interesting conflict and split is apparent to me. Doesn't it mean you want to live since there are all these things you want to do? Is your world really that bad when you have 'lovely parents', 'lovely friends', passion projects, and genuine interest in languages that you can delve into? Not trying to criticise or catch you out, it's totally understandable to have internal conflicts or see two sides to things.

 

[kvorumese]

An interesting conflict and split is apparent to me. Doesn't it mean you want to live since there are all these things you want to do? Is your world really that bad when you have 'lovely parents', 'lovely friends', passion projects, and genuine interest in languages that you can delve into? Not trying to criticise or catch you out, it's totally understandable to have internal conflicts or see two sides to things.

I am indeed in a situation much better than many. I have lovely parents and lovely friends, and that is one of the reasons why I'm still a bit hesitant about ctb. I don't feel like I've got enough trauma to validate my desire to leave. The main reason why I don't want to be here is my past actions that haunt me to this day, the society consisting of people who have lost all empathy and ingenuity, and the governments of this world absolutely ruining everybody's day. If all of these somehow change, I might stay...