CursedReality
Amateur Programmer
- Nov 2, 2019
- 11
Uh, i'm not sure where to really start. I made this account years ago and would occasionally browse the threads over the years and do some research bidding my time until i finally got the "right oppurtunity" to finally do it right. And there is still some part of me that thinks i can still keep on going, but honestly.. for what? My mother is sick, my siblings all have their own lives i do not wish to fuck up simply just being there because im struggling to maintain my mental health, i made my Former GF's life a living hell just trying to manage it all without breaking. I am a horrid human being, and im truly tired of fighting to keep my head above water. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, i hate myself for not being strong enough to take this all in stride like i had been for years. Something in me just broke.. and i can't.. I can't see a future after my mother passes. I see myself taking the same path as someone i cared about alot before once did. I don't like the thought of hurting anyone with my passing, because lets be honest about this.. losing a loved one hurts. Probably the most painful thing i ever experienced was losing someone i did not know was going through the same thing i was, it put life into prospective for me.. but here i am once again back at the start of a path i had been too afraid to take before. Either way.. didn't mean for a bit of a trauma dump there but context matters when it comes to understanding why someone ends up where there are. Oof, anyways I have chosen my method already, and i feel like this is rather impulsive of me to say, as i am unsure myself.. but i feel like sometime in the next few days is when i intend to finally CTB. Honestly, i feel like i'd like to do it even as i write this but i've always been of the mindset that "Patience is key" and i suppose that applies here more than ever.
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