So I should’ve just fucking KMS

[CrocHead66]

So, last post was about how the world wasn't made for me but I think my life is precious. Well apparently my life is expensive and I don't even have the money to pay for it. I'm literally in PHP (partial hospitalization program) because of work related stress and knowing I need to work to make money. But I have to pay almost 4k USD more specifically 3,925 USD for going into partial hospitalization…. So I'm here to better myself and you're gonna charge me while I'm kind of at my lowest more money than my life is worth yippee lucky me. I know that's how shit works but fuck I'm regretting getting help so much rn I should've just fucking over dosed and called it a day. I could've planned a nice day for myself and everything and just fucking died but no I had to go ask for help and for what???? To be 4k in debt for the next year. Paying 330 bucks a month for a year. While also trying to move out of my transphobic parents house???? I'm such a fucking idiot. I should've KILLED MYSELF but no I have to survive and live and shit for what? Oh right I have to live so I can pay 4k off

I've come to the realization I really do want to be alive, but this world doesn't want me to be alive. Not to collect minority stones or sound all woe is me I'm in a marginalized group of people but I'm recently diagnosed autistic , have mental health issues and transmasc. My parents don't support my transition even though I've been out for 5 years and on Testosterone for about 3. They don't "agree" with my autism diagnosis. I work in food service which is shit because customers are the meanest people on earth but I'm only at this fuck ass coffee shop to have insurance so I can get top surgery. I've realized I'm not good in food service it's too much people and interactions. I want to go back to warehousing and manual labor. But if I do that I'm gonna lose insurance. Anyways my point is there's kind of a lot against me. I'm on medication for my depression and bipolar and blah blah but that only helps a little and there's no medication for autism so that's super fun. I guess I just thought that after my first attempt in 2020 I'd be happier but I'm not . I survived and have grown but for what? This world is heartless and cruel. I'm only really sticking around so that the people in my life don't have to deal with grief. I want to be alive but for what? The world will keep spinning once I'm done. The flowers will still bloom, their petals plucked by small children. Everything stays the same. Soon enough my friends and family will heal and it won't matter. But no I'm selfish if I go through with it… how is it selfish to not want to suffer anymore? I don't function well without medication and with too much noise and stimulation. I don't function well without loads of people but I force myself to because I need to work towards my goals. And if I die my parents will just dead name me and put me in a dress for my funeral which is so disrespectful. I need to find a way to give my best friend rights over me. Anyways idk what the point of any of this is. What's the point of life… I just wish I was never born or that I had succeeded the first time I tried.

 

[nuggetfinder]

So, last post was about how the world wasn't made for me but I think my life is precious. Well apparently my life is expensive and I don't even have the money to pay for it. I'm literally in PHP (partial hospitalization program) because of work related stress and knowing I need to work to make money. But I have to pay almost 4k USD more specifically 3,925 USD for going into partial hospitalization…. So I'm here to better myself and you're gonna charge me while I'm kind of at my lowest more money than my life is worth yippee lucky me. I know that's how shit works but fuck I'm regretting getting help so much rn I should've just fucking over dosed and called it a day. I could've planned a nice day for myself and everything and just fucking died but no I had to go ask for help and for what???? To be 4k in debt for the next year. Paying 330 bucks a month for a year. While also trying to move out of my transphobic parents house???? I'm such a fucking idiot. I should've KILLED MYSELF but no I have to survive and live and shit for what? Oh right I have to live so I can pay 4k off

The healthcare system sucks, I'm sorry it's such a huge cause of stress for you dude