So I guess I had a bit of a breakdown

[SuffrInSilence]

Yesterday was someones birthday (which you'll already know if you saw my posts) and I didn't cope. Not in front of them or anything, but I got a bit hysterical and I couldn't stop crying. I think I got to the point of telling a family member that Im not safe.
I also got quite drunk and now they know. i think this family member told me she could smell it. So that secret is out and they're going to want to talk about it.
It's around 4am and I guess I'm sobering up because the dread is hitting me really badly about how bad I fucked up.
I had managed to keep the alcohol thing under control until yesterday and now I've ruined it all.
I completely humiliated myself.
I don't even know what made yesterday the stresser. It wasn't a big deal until suddenly it was and I couldn't breathe and I wanted to die so badly that I couldn't hide it anymore.

 

[TydalWave]

Just so we can better understand, (totally cool if you don't want to share) but what age demographic are you in?

My answer would be different depending on that... but ultimately we all have breakdowns and I don't want to undermine what you are going through but this is definitely overcomable. I am so sorry you have to go through the conversations with your family regardless. I have been in the same boat and the anxiety and dread waking up the next day after having a breakdown is just awful.

 

[Worndown]

There was a trigger in there somewhere. If you are going to be around for a while, it might be worth trying to identify it. It can make you a little stronger. Is there anyone you can talk to about this?

 

[Un-]

Just so we can better understand, (totally cool if you don't want to share) but what age demographic are you in?

OP sounds quite young.

There was a trigger in there somewhere. If you are going to be around for a while, it might be worth trying to identify it. It can make you a little stronger. Is there anyone you can talk to about this?

I'm with @Worndown here. I think it'll be worth your while to analyse yourself. Even though you want to die.. Maybe if you tackle this hidden issue, you won't have to.

I'm wishing you luck OP.

 

[SuffrInSilence]

Just so we can better understand, (totally cool if you don't want to share) but what age demographic are you in?

My answer would be different depending on that... but ultimately we all have breakdowns and I don't want to undermine what you are going through but this is definitely overcomable. I am so sorry you have to go through the conversations with your family regardless. I have been in the same boat and the anxiety and dread waking up the next day after having a breakdown is just awful.

Early 20s. Still living with family atm as am theoretically saving for a flat deposit.
So it's not like it's underage drinking. More like, being drunk on vodka before noon will definitely trigger some kind of intervention that I don't want to face.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Yesterday was someones birthday (which you'll already know if you saw my posts) and I didn't cope. Not in front of them or anything, but I got a bit hysterical and I couldn't stop crying. I think I got to the point of telling a family member that Im not safe.
I also got quite drunk and now they know. i think this family member told me she could smell it. So that secret is out and they're going to want to talk about it.
It's around 4am and I guess I'm sobering up because the dread is hitting me really badly about how bad I fucked up.
I had managed to keep the alcohol thing under control until yesterday and now I've ruined it all.
I completely humiliated myself.
I don't even know what made yesterday the stresser. It wasn't a big deal until suddenly it was and I couldn't breathe and I wanted to die so badly that I couldn't hide it anymore.

Hey... I don't usually say this, but I think this situation (as a whole) might be okay or work out for the best for you even though it definitely sounds like it is horrible right now.

You said in a different post that you wanted help and wouldn't mind being sectioned. That being the case, I hope they WILL talk to you, that you will be able to ask for help, and that they will LISTEN to you and help you. [Maybe make up your mind ahead of time that you will be open about wanting and needing help.] I'm very sorry you are going through this, and I hope that you will be able to get help.

 

[SuffrInSilence]

Hey... I don't usually say this, but I think this situation (as a whole) might be okay or work out for the best for you even though it definitely sounds like it is horrible right now.

You said in a different post that you wanted help and wouldn't mind being sectioned. That being the case, I hope they WILL talk to you, that you will be able to ask for help, and that they will LISTEN to you and help you. [Maybe make up your mind ahead of time that you will be open about wanting and needing help.] I'm very sorry you are going through this, and I hope that you will be able to get help.

I will say, that is a lot easier to say when drunk and it's easier to say as someone who hasn't been sectioned. I can't imagine how scary it actually would be and it will almost definitely cost me my job and stuff.
but you're right, I feel desperate for support and if someone was serious about helping, even if it was scary, I think I would agree at this point. I used to tell myself I would stay until I was 25 so I knew I gave life a chance, and I'm not there yet.
It's the utter dread of knowing that the awful conversation is coming.
thank you for being so kind.

 

[makethepainstop]

I will say, that is a lot easier to say when drunk and it's easier to say as someone who hasn't been sectioned. I can't imagine how scary it actually would be and it will almost definitely cost me my job and stuff.
but you're right, I feel desperate for support and if someone was serious about helping, even if it was scary, I think I would agree at this point. I used to tell myself I would stay until I was 25 so I knew I gave life a chance, and I'm not there yet.
It's the utter dread of knowing that the awful conversation is coming.
thank you for being so kind.

Words of themselves are harmless, the intent behind words is what give them power.

 

[SuffrInSilence]

Update that no one wanted:
Nothing is happening. Person who's birthday I missed isn't speaking to me and I don't blame them. Family Member who caught me not coping and not sober advised that I talk to a doctor, and then said she isn't going to tell anyone/mention it again. I didn't ask her to. I'm equal parts disappointed and relieved. She also saw a text from a friend asking if I'd hurt myself and hasn't said anything. It wasn't a cry for help, the friend was genuinely worried and I had missed the text when I was avoiding my phone.
Kinda amazing I can humilate myself that monumentally and no one cares. I guess that is kind of sad? Idk.
orginal CTB date in a few months still on track, nothing has changed.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Update that no one wanted:
Nothing is happening. Person who's birthday I missed isn't speaking to me and I don't blame them. Family Member who caught me not coping and not sober advised that I talk to a doctor, and then said she isn't going to tell anyone/mention it again. I didn't ask her to. I'm equal parts disappointed and relieved. She also saw a text from a friend asking if I'd hurt myself and hasn't said anything. It wasn't a cry for help, the friend was genuinely worried and I had missed the text when I was avoiding my phone.
Kinda amazing I can humilate myself that monumentally and no one cares. I guess that is kind of sad? Idk.
orginal CTB date in a few months still on track, nothing has changed.

Thank you for updating. This is upsetting, and I think you are justified to feel sad about it. Is there any possible way you can pursue help on your own? Maybe one of your friends would help you or at least provide moral support. Does your place of employment offer any kind of "assistance"? I'm sorry.

 

[SuffrInSilence]

Thank you for updating. This is upsetting, and I think you are justified to feel sad about it. Is there any possible way you can pursue help on your own? Maybe one of your friends would help you or at least provide moral support. Does your place of employment offer any kind of "assistance"? I'm sorry.

I only really have two friends tbh and either of them would be here in a heartbeat but they can't really help so I won't bother them unless they can.
There is a health scheme with support at my work but that's kinda iffy for me, they've already worried about me and burnout, I don't need to give them more reason to pay attention to me. Plus I have been in private therapy before and can afford it. I'd do that again, rather than go to work for help.
It's fine. If I wanted to be rescued I wouldn't be on this site. I had some bad days. Doesn't change anything really.
thank you for being kind.
theres gotta be some kinda irony in there being more supportive people wanting to help find solutions on a suicide forum than there are irl right

 

[Cathy Ames]

It's fine. If I wanted to be rescued I wouldn't be on this site. I had some bad days. Doesn't change anything really.
thank you for being kind.
theres gotta be some kinda irony in there being more supportive people wanting to help find solutions on a suicide forum than there are irl right

It sounds like maybe your friends would be more supportive if you would let them?

I was just kinda brainstorming a bit. Based on what you have said (here and elsewhere), it seems like you might be drifting into the CTB by default rather than choosing it. And it would be nice if your situation could be improved instead of that.

I definitely wish you the best, as you go forward from here. Take care.