So I am bascially on the edge of a mental breakdown because I have to wake up at 6:50 a.m. once per week....

[noname223]

This sums up my mental stability pretty well. It gets even worse my current state deteriorated that fast within 4 weeks. It is pretty insane. Yeah I am at least not faking that I am pretty ill. I have psychosis, bipolar, OCD, impostor syndrom, maybe an eating disorder. I am fully medicated. I mean if I did not take any medication stories like mine should not surprise you. But I regularly take two medication for the right chemical balance. And I often take addictive medication which is the sole reason I can attend college. I have one college lecture early in the morning. I knew this would be poison for my brain. Though that it gets this bad within a few weeks holy shit. I am not joking it is 6:50 a.m. The problem is my sleep rhythm is highly sensitive. If I have to wake up once in a week that early due to that I wake up almost every day that early.

I reached out for professional help. Though they are very slow. My psychiatrist wanted to give me an appointment in fucking 3-4 weeks. The irony is she is by far the best psychiatrist I ever had. I am not sure why it escalated that quickly. One very very frightening theory of mine: My resilience will deteriorate any way on the longrun no matter how smart I try to outwit my pathologies. I could imagine this might be true. It would accelerate my suicide for sure.

Another theory my sleep rhythm is extremely important for my health. The difference to past semesters is not that big. I wake up maybe 1,5 hours earlier. And this might be the key explanatory variable for my demise.

Well how can fix it? It will be extremely difficult. I currently take daily addictive medication. Otherwise I am delusional, anxious and paranoid. I think I have to fix my sleep rhythm. Usually this takes a lot of time which I don't really have. I can nudge my sleep rhythm with addictive medication. It is so early in the semester and I take way too many addictive medication. I have two appointments with professionla. One reason for talking to them is: I can point my finger at them in case I become an addict. Lol. Addiction would ruin everything. But another psychosis would force me to commit suicide soon. I take a benzo and a z-medication for the third day in a row. It gets really dangerous. I am still at the lowest dosage. The holy shit is scary as fuck.

My plan is: skipping that college lecture I hope that helps. I despise myself for skipping it I have OCD concerning college stuff but I have no other alternatives. I try to fix my sleep rhythm. This gonna be extremely difficult. It has to get better fast. And pressure does not really help on such matters. Well I am totally fucked. I am curious about the appointments with the professionals.

I don't want to quit college now. I was paranoid about this college friend. I am pretty sure my thoughts were delusional I realized that today. But concerning addiction well I think this could become nasty. As I said my strategy of attending college relies heavily on addictive medication. Without that I could forget it. My current psychiatrist does not give a shit about addiction. But she retires soon and no other psychiatrist will continue that strategy in case I have the label "addiction problems" in my documents. I am extremely anxious being called an addict. I am very anxious how stigmatized they are. I experienced that quite often in the psychiatry. However in the end a mild addiction is less of a problem than a psychosis which forces me to ctb in a very short time. I think in the end the consideration will be between risking addiction and taking a hiatus from college. I think my therapists are very liberal on addictive medication. And well their strategy saved my ass a couple of time. Ironically one of them is extremely judgemental on people with addiction. He even once said/ joked to me he wished I would start to smoke some weed in such a case he could stop worrying about me....Well I don't I think I have to add something to his words they speak for themselves.

So I took a benzo and tried to chill. I perceived my college friend in a very different way. He likes me and he does not consider me an impostor. I enjoy spendig time with him. I would miss him if I had to take a hiatus now. Though I experieced such heartbreaking moments way too often. I see how other people can live my dream while my life consists of misery, pain and disappointments. In the end I always wish there would happen justice one day to me. But I think this will never happen. Most evidences point in the opposite direction. Abuse, leads to pain, pain to misery and resenment which culminates in desperation and finally suicide.

 

[floatingfish]

I've been there. I think I had to drop (fail/withdraw/resign) the first morning class I took. And never took another morning class ever again.

I hope it gets better for you!

 

[Tobacco]

You just reminded me of something that was wrecking my mental health and probably will again.
My mother told me I have to help her in the family business because we pay my psychiatrist and psychologist appointments out of pocket. So I had to start waking up at 9:30 on sundays.
I started feeling horror, HORROR. Because the night prior I would only sleep a few hours and then for the other half of the night I would roll in bed dreading the alarm. The rest of the days I'd try to cling and try to be thankful for evey hour and minute in bed...

 

[noname223]

I am currently extremely angry. As I said I am on the edge of a collapse because of the college stress. I tried to find solutions for my problem. I don't want to say what my potential solution is it is kind of pathetic. I don't think it will work anyway it was the idea of my mom. I am just very very desperate. And now the rest of my family blames me for these issues. Well the reason why I am such a mental wreck is the child abuse by my mom. Noone in my family protected me. They all looked away. And then they dare to blame me for struggling so much. Honestly college is an insane test for me. I think most people would have given up within weeks. It is pure torture to study with all my conditions. My therapists praise me for how skilled I manage it. And then the people who are responsible for my suffering blame me for not doing well.

I could not study well today because I was so angry. I am so desperate what I could do. I even don't tell my mom how horrible I feel because of her fragile health (a recent stroke). And then they dare to make me the scapegoat once again. I really struggled not to start a verbal argument. It takes all of my energy to study. They are responsible for my extremely low resilience. And on top of that they blame it on me. Fuck these assholes. I certainly won't live on for them. We will all rot together in misery (financials) in case I am still alive. Fuck these bastards.

 

[Linda]

This sums up my mental stability pretty well. It gets even worse my current state deteriorated that fast within 4 weeks. It is pretty insane. Yeah I am at least not faking that I am pretty ill. I have psychosis, bipolar, OCD, impostor syndrom, maybe an eating disorder. I am fully medicated. I mean if I did not take any medication stories like mine should not surprise you. But I regularly take two medication for the right chemical balance. And I often take addictive medication which is the sole reason I can attend college. I have one college lecture early in the morning. I knew this would be poison for my brain. Though that it gets this bad within a few weeks holy shit. I am not joking it is 6:50 a.m. The problem is my sleep rhythm is highly sensitive. If I have to wake up once in a week that early due to that I wake up almost every day that early.

I reached out for professional help. Though they are very slow. My psychiatrist wanted to give me an appointment in fucking 3-4 weeks. The irony is she is by far the best psychiatrist I ever had. I am not sure why it escalated that quickly. One very very frightening theory of mine: My resilience will deteriorate any way on the longrun no matter how smart I try to outwit my pathologies. I could imagine this might be true. It would accelerate my suicide for sure.

Another theory my sleep rhythm is extremely important for my health. The difference to past semesters is not that big. I wake up maybe 1,5 hours earlier. And this might be the key explanatory variable for my demise.

Well how can fix it? It will be extremely difficult. I currently take daily addictive medication. Otherwise I am delusional, anxious and paranoid. I think I have to fix my sleep rhythm. Usually this takes a lot of time which I don't really have. I can nudge my sleep rhythm with addictive medication. It is so early in the semester and I take way too many addictive medication. I have two appointments with professionla. One reason for talking to them is: I can point my finger at them in case I become an addict. Lol. Addiction would ruin everything. But another psychosis would force me to commit suicide soon. I take a benzo and a z-medication for the third day in a row. It gets really dangerous. I am still at the lowest dosage. The holy shit is scary as fuck.

My plan is: skipping that college lecture I hope that helps. I despise myself for skipping it I have OCD concerning college stuff but I have no other alternatives. I try to fix my sleep rhythm. This gonna be extremely difficult. It has to get better fast. And pressure does not really help on such matters. Well I am totally fucked. I am curious about the appointments with the professionals.

I don't want to quit college now. I was paranoid about this college friend. I am pretty sure my thoughts were delusional I realized that today. But concerning addiction well I think this could become nasty. As I said my strategy of attending college relies heavily on addictive medication. Without that I could forget it. My current psychiatrist does not give a shit about addiction. But she retires soon and no other psychiatrist will continue that strategy in case I have the label "addiction problems" in my documents. I am extremely anxious being called an addict. I am very anxious how stigmatized they are. I experienced that quite often in the psychiatry. However in the end a mild addiction is less of a problem than a psychosis which forces me to ctb in a very short time. I think in the end the consideration will be between risking addiction and taking a hiatus from college. I think my therapists are very liberal on addictive medication. And well their strategy saved my ass a couple of time. Ironically one of them is extremely judgemental on people with addiction. He even once said/ joked to me he wished I would start to smoke some weed in such a case he could stop worrying about me....Well I don't I think I have to add something to his words they speak for themselves.

So I took a benzo and tried to chill. I perceived my college friend in a very different way. He likes me and he does not consider me an impostor. I enjoy spendig time with him. I would miss him if I had to take a hiatus now. Though I experieced such heartbreaking moments way too often. I see how other people can live my dream while my life consists of misery, pain and disappointments. In the end I always wish there would happen justice one day to me. But I think this will never happen. Most evidences point in the opposite direction. Abuse, leads to pain, pain to misery and resenment which culminates in desperation and finally suicide.

My husband is very much a night person. Doesn't like getting up before about 12 am, and then stays up until around 4 am (I'm the exact opposite.) But for several years he had a job that required him to be there at about 7 am - and it took half an hour travel time to get there. Once he had got into the routine of doing that, he had no difficulty. For most people it's changing your routine that is difficult and can be exhausting. So if you have to get up very early one day a week, you best strategy may be to get up early every day,, at least as long as your college situation lasts.

 

[noname223]

My husband is very much a night person. Doesn't like getting up before about 12 am, and then stays up until around 4 am (I'm the exact opposite.) But for several years he had a job that required him to be there at about 7 am - and it took half an hour travel time to get there. Once he had got into the routine of doing that, he had no difficulty. For most people it's changing your routine that is difficult and can be exhausting. So if you have to get up very early one day a week, you best strategy may be to get up early every day,, at least as long as your college situation lasts.

I think this is not really a comparison to my situation. I have bipolar disorder. And withhin the last 7 years waking up early induced manic symptoms. Especially when it became a routine which made the problems way worse.