I'm not sure what happened when I met my psychologist today. Somehow, I ended up in a position where she thought I was going to CTB before the end of the year. I say that like I don't know why she got that idea, but of course I do. I definitely I acted a bit weird and evasive in our session, but I did not expect her to stop me before leaving to ask; "I need to ask, will you be here next session?" (two weeks from now).
Truth be told, I have been considering CTB quite seriously lately. I was not certain I would do it, but I could not lie to her face and say "yes". I didn't say anything. She kept looking at me and finally I said "I don't know". Now, I do not live in the US, so it's not game over when your therapist knows you're actively suicidal. However, she was required to ask for more details and here is where I fucked up.
I don't know why, but without thinking, I let her think I had definitely decided to CTB before the end of the year. On most of her questions, I said nothing, thinking instead. When it came to it, I basically nodded when she gave me yes/no questions about my intentions. Before I knew it, I was faced with a very difficult choice. She gave me two options:
- Promise not to CTB and seek urgent care if I felt like I could not keep the promise
- Force her to keep me against my will and get involuntary hospitalisation
The stupid thing is, I never really felt like I was going to CTB. It was not unlikely, but it was definitely not a full-blown plan with a date and everything. I think I panicked a bit when she started asking about it, because obviously I did not want her to know how much I have been thinking about it lately. Then suddenly I felt stuck and didn't know how to back out safely.
I ended up promising her not to go through with it. What else could I do? Part of me wanted to pick the other option to see what would happen, but at the end of the day, hospital is not where I want to be right now. Especially since it was easy to promise not to do something I didn't really intend to do anyway. The problem was convincing her I was not lying about it, but I think I managed.
Ella es realmente buena y no la merezco, pero estoy feliz de que fuera ella y no otra persona. Ella ha estado conmigo en situaciones similares, así que sé que puedo ser honesto con ella. No le cuento todo, pero dudo que alguna vez se lo cuente a nadie. Algunas cosas se guardan mejor para uno mismo.
Antes de terminar con esto, quiero agregar que creo que estaba más cerca de CTB de lo que pensaba. He estado planificando pequeñas cosas durante un par de semanas y no soy consciente de ello. Creo que la razón por la que le dejé creer que hablaba en serio fue porque comencé a darme cuenta de que muy bien podría haberlo sido. Da miedo pensar en ello, pero es casi como si hubiera compartimentado mi ideación suicida. Fuera lo que fuera lo que estaba haciendo esa parte de mí, no era del todo consciente de ello. Extraño.
De todos modos, he seguido lo suficiente. Ahora estoy cansada.
