AveryConure
Some idiot
- May 11, 2018
- 437
Honestly the biggest reason I want to ctb is cause my memory loss issue is so bad I honestly feel like there's no way I can function in life with it. I tried explaining over and over to people that I badly wanted help for this issue that has plagued me for years now, but I've had absolutely no solution or relief offered, other than my original plan of hanging myself if my mom didn't had to injure herself at the very last minute of my plan and job offers that end up not going anywhere to the point where I'm trying to get a fast food job just cause I really don't want to be jobless during the holidays.
Every time I'm reminded of how godawful my memory is becoming, only being a little less than 30 years old and apparently not having any cognitive issues at all, I just begin to hate myself. To the point where I feel like a demon temporarily takes over my body and just lashes out at whatever I can find. I'm reminded of how defective of a human being I am just cause I dissociate to the point where I might as well not even be there that half hour ago, I get yelled at and treated subhuman by my family if I just had to forget that day that I had to take out the trash bin that day, or my brain can't fathom the thought of the kitchen being a pigsty and I somehow have to clean it even though three other adults are currently living here.
Just today, I went over the edge just cause I completely dissociate when I play videogames, can't remember to save my progress at all, ended up having a game over which means I had to reload to the last time I saved which might as well been since yesterday, and I just realized how fucking awful having dissociative problems are to the point where I literally had to go to the ER CAUSE I FORGOT I'M SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY HYDRATE MYSELF that I ended up crying over what's literally just a minor inconvenience for most people and just ended up just lashing out at myself by taking my usual pocket knife and probably leaving a big ass scar on my arm for the rest of my life now, even though I usually just do shallow cuts most of the time and just leave it alone.
I hate how stupid it is honestly, but sometimes I honestly wonder if I was better off actually having a correct diagnosis of autism instead of having a dissociative disorder that has obviously taken over and destroyed your entire life.
I don't know when exactly my mom will be working again. I've kept putting off hanging myself but more and more I wonder if I'm better off just doing it around Christmas especially when these interviews lead to nothing but bitter disappointment. I'm seeing a therapist right now cause I figured while my date was basically moved to probably next year at this rate I could try to tackle my dissociative issues one last time, but I don't have very high hopes. I already can't pay attention to her cause I'm always mentally wanting to be somewhere else.
Every time I'm reminded of how godawful my memory is becoming, only being a little less than 30 years old and apparently not having any cognitive issues at all, I just begin to hate myself. To the point where I feel like a demon temporarily takes over my body and just lashes out at whatever I can find. I'm reminded of how defective of a human being I am just cause I dissociate to the point where I might as well not even be there that half hour ago, I get yelled at and treated subhuman by my family if I just had to forget that day that I had to take out the trash bin that day, or my brain can't fathom the thought of the kitchen being a pigsty and I somehow have to clean it even though three other adults are currently living here.
Just today, I went over the edge just cause I completely dissociate when I play videogames, can't remember to save my progress at all, ended up having a game over which means I had to reload to the last time I saved which might as well been since yesterday, and I just realized how fucking awful having dissociative problems are to the point where I literally had to go to the ER CAUSE I FORGOT I'M SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY HYDRATE MYSELF that I ended up crying over what's literally just a minor inconvenience for most people and just ended up just lashing out at myself by taking my usual pocket knife and probably leaving a big ass scar on my arm for the rest of my life now, even though I usually just do shallow cuts most of the time and just leave it alone.
I hate how stupid it is honestly, but sometimes I honestly wonder if I was better off actually having a correct diagnosis of autism instead of having a dissociative disorder that has obviously taken over and destroyed your entire life.
I don't know when exactly my mom will be working again. I've kept putting off hanging myself but more and more I wonder if I'm better off just doing it around Christmas especially when these interviews lead to nothing but bitter disappointment. I'm seeing a therapist right now cause I figured while my date was basically moved to probably next year at this rate I could try to tackle my dissociative issues one last time, but I don't have very high hopes. I already can't pay attention to her cause I'm always mentally wanting to be somewhere else.
