So desperate to die

[mirrorgurl]

I'm so so desperate to die it's all I think about. Every waking moment of the day I want to not exist. Sleep used to help but even sleep doesn't help the way I'm feeling anymore. I wake up panicking and distraught over the fact i've totally ruined my life. I'm pretty sure I have BPD although not diagnosed. A few months ago I was happy like really happy. I was a teacher and was doing a masters and was dating people. I got an STD and it shattered me. I blamed the wrong person, ran to my ex. I lost everyone after that from how I behaved. I left my job, quit my degree and moved in with my mum. Living with my mum just reminds me of the abuse I endured as a kid although she is trying her very best to help me now, I feel I am beyond help. For nearly 4 months I have done absolutely nothing. i've ignored all my responsibilities, i'm in debt, been making no money and now i've completely lost my independence in London. I feel like a literal child. I can't do anything. I struggle to wash, to eat, I don't even want to talk to anyone. I feel complete apathy for life and it's unbearable. I think back over my life to all my relationships and I think that was the only thing that ever kept me hanging on. With an STD that now feels impossible. And I lost the one guy I really loved. I've lost everything. I cannot go on another day it's just torture. I'm 26 but I feel this is enough for me now, I've had enough. I need peace. Help me please.

 

[UKscotty]

Did you speak to a doctor? Sounds like a major depression episode.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[mirrorgurl]

Did you speak to a doctor? Sounds like a major depression episode.

Good luck whatever you decide.

yes. doctor put me on meds but no amount of meds/ therapy can turn back time