So desperate & stuck

[Wyldfyre4948]

For the past few months I've lived alone and without a car. The first month my coworkers let me borrow their cars to run errands and it was very therapeutic just to get out for a bit. I've done everything I can to try and move forward and get better, but I may as well be trying to run up a muddy hill. Every step forward sends me back further than where I started. It's gotten to the point that I send my family texts of what I cooked for dinner or something so they see I'm trying. I've learned to cook and become quite self sufficient just to try and recover something.

The thing is I'm just spinning my tires here despite any progress I've made. Mentally I'm still completely fubar and can't will myself onward. Financially I'm screwed because everything is so expensive and I make too much to qualify for SNAP benefits. Every month I make what little money I have stretch to get food and pay bills. There isn't much room for luxuries in the end. Trying to build credit while paying off a hospital bill while struggling to make ends meet.

Not sure how I'm going to get a car and pay for everything that I need for that on top of my current expenses. My family wants me to get a new cat so I'm not alone anymore, but that's just another expense I'd have to factor in. I set up a Halloween skeleton on the couch and talk to it on occasion. As if that will make things better.

Last night I had an edible for the first time in months and it did more damage than anything. My depression got worse and I spent a lot of the time tearing up or just crying. The feeling of being trapped is devastating me.

I keep thinking about trying to find someone to be with. It's been 3 months since I saw my wife and I don't think she will come back. The issue is that I can't trust anyone again. For 20 years she told me I could trust her and that she wouldn't leave me. Had nightmares that she left or wouldn't talk to me, and she assured me that was just dreams and wouldn't happen. So I've been living in my nightmares since the end of June.

I've talked to some great people on here like jacrispy, but a lot of them seem to be gone. The understanding that this isn't a place to come and make long term friendships doesn't make it easier when you see more people ctb. At this point I'd be fine being with an abusive woman if it meant having some security again. I'm already beaten down and feel like I don't deserve to be happy. So finding a woman who is going to berate me or even get physically abusive with me would feel like I'm getting what I deserve. That's how I know that I'm in a really bad place. Being willing to subject myself to that in the hope of feeling something again isn't a healthy idea.

I just want someone who would make me feel safe and I can depend on them. Without that I don't have any anchor and I'm just being blown around like trash in the wind. My fear of death is also back so that is stopping me. The fear that this is it and I'll just fade into nothingness scares me again. At one point that was a comfort, but now I'm afraid of being nothing despite already feeling like nothing.

Sorry for the novel. It was a lot to unpack and difficult to keep one coherent thought at a time. Again I'm sorry if it's confusing or hard to read, but this is been rattling around in my head and I've been beating myself up about it too. I just want this all to stop but my luck is shit and this year has been beating me down every chance it can.

 

[SmollMushroom]

I was talking to some guys on the forum before in general chat, and they were all very young, and I told them how things would only go downhill as you get older because the opportunities life gives you become less and less, and they could not understand what I was talking about. What you wrote here is exactly what I was on about.

Reading your story really feels like a punch in the stomach because it reminded me once again how the world goes. The older we get, the harder life becomes and we can only count on ourselves.
I feel very sorry that you can no longer see your wife, it must be horrible to have a person betraying you like that and leaving after so many years together. I really hope you find a way to see her again, if that's what you truly want.
Again, the older we get, the harder it becomes to get back on our feet when we fall.

It's also true that people in here come and go, for obvious reasons. But if you want some company, there's always somebody to talk with in the general chat.
You can also try to DM this jacrispy guy - send them a private message, maybe they're still around!

I'm sorry I can't do much, I really hope you find the anchor you need and be well. I wish you the best.

 

[ThisUnrest]

So sorry you are having such a hard time. Lonliness is profoundly terrifying. People tend to underestimate the effects. Your money problems sound scary too. I get what you mean about edibles, I had to stop weed and edibles bc they were making me feel so much worse, which sucks bc previously they really helped a lot. It's also lonely to miss having sweet kitties. The stuff they need really does add up though, esp if you are already struggling financially. Your family should understand what a hardship that would cause, even if it would help to have the company. You're being responsible about it. I'm very sorry for your troubles. Wishing you a night of peace and comfort. And better luck in the near future.