Method SN

[wishingonstars]

Just ordered SN and feeling sick to my stomach. I really didn't think I'd actually go through with it. It will just be a backup in case everything gets too bad, hopefully going to be trying ketamine therapy and I've heard very good things about its potential. I mostly ordered it because there's the law in the US trying to be passed that would make it illegal for non businesses to buy. It seems like it was too easy both to find and purchase... seems too good to be true that I would find it after only a quick Google search when I see so many posts on here about how people can't find it anywhere in the US.

My biggest fear right now is that one of my roommates will find the package before I do and get suspicious possibly even open it and if I was found out it would likely break all the trust anyone who knew had in me before. There would be no way for me to convince anyone that I was buying it just for the comfort of knowing I had an out without the intention of actually using it. No one would believe that even though it's true. It all seems so risky that I might honestly just cancel the order. I can't decide.

I honestly would put myself in the hospital before going through with ctb because of the people I care for, especially my younger sibling who has great ambitions and I know will have an amazing and successful life, no way I will mess that up. Plus if I added up all the hurt of everyone who would suffer from my death it would definitely outweigh the suffering I am experiencing now by being alive.

The SN says it has a 10 year expiration date though so in 10 years when it will likely to totally impossible to get SN especially not legally say everything has only continued to get worse, I will be in my early-mid 30's and at that point I will have an out if nothing helps in the next decade. Buying this seems like such a reasonable step to take, no one knows what the future holds it may be that I live under a dictatorship and can't get out of the country and am being hunted down for being trans, under those circumstances ctb would be the logical next step. The issue is that if someone finds it no one will understand that, no one will be like oh yeah that's reasonable I can't believe I never thought of that, nobody. Besides folks on here but definitely not my friends or family. I just can't stand the feeling of being stuck and backed into a corner, I need to know I always have options. I need an emergency break glass out even if I know I will never use it. I wish that was more understandable. I don't want for people who I care about to feel betrayal if they ever found it, like I was lying to them and secretly planning to leave them all and cause them immense pain but I know that is what they would all feel.

 

[Xiaojiu]

I understand and empathize with everything you have said. I felt exactly like you did when I ordered SN. And when it finally arrived and I opened the package, I felt sick to my stomach and had a deep cry because my physical pain and suffering lead me to this point where I have the power to euthanize myself in my own hands. Literally.

Like you, I don't intend to hurt anyone and I feel like an asshole having SN in my possession especially because I'm married and my husband is my caregiver.

I'm doing everything I can to stay here everyday for him. Even though my chronic pain 24/7 is terrible and my chronic illnesses are progressive with no cures. I don't want to live in pain everyday for the next 10-40+ years of my life.

I want to die every single day, but I will continue to keep trying until one day I decide I'm done

 

[oakforest02]

Just ordered SN and feeling sick to my stomach. I really didn't think I'd actually go through with it. It will just be a backup in case everything gets too bad, hopefully going to be trying ketamine therapy and I've heard very good things about its potential. I mostly ordered it because there's the law in the US trying to be passed that would make it illegal for non businesses to buy. It seems like it was too easy both to find and purchase... seems too good to be true that I would find it after only a quick Google search when I see so many posts on here about how people can't find it anywhere in the US.

My biggest fear right now is that one of my roommates will find the package before I do and get suspicious possibly even open it and if I was found out it would likely break all the trust anyone who knew had in me before. There would be no way for me to convince anyone that I was buying it just for the comfort of knowing I had an out without the intention of actually using it. No one would believe that even though it's true. It all seems so risky that I might honestly just cancel the order. I can't decide.

I honestly would put myself in the hospital before going through with ctb because of the people I care for, especially my younger sibling who has great ambitions and I know will have an amazing and successful life, no way I will mess that up. Plus if I added up all the hurt of everyone who would suffer from my death it would definitely outweigh the suffering I am experiencing now by being alive.

The SN says it has a 10 year expiration date though so in 10 years when it will likely to totally impossible to get SN especially not legally say everything has only continued to get worse, I will be in my early-mid 30's and at that point I will have an out if nothing helps in the next decade. Buying this seems like such a reasonable step to take, no one knows what the future holds it may be that I live under a dictatorship and can't get out of the country and am being hunted down for being trans, under those circumstances ctb would be the logical next step. The issue is that if someone finds it no one will understand that, no one will be like oh yeah that's reasonable I can't believe I never thought of that, nobody. Besides folks on here but definitely not my friends or family. I just can't stand the feeling of being stuck and backed into a corner, I need to know I always have options. I need an emergency break glass out even if I know I will never use it. I wish that was more understandable. I don't want for people who I care about to feel betrayal if they ever found it, like I was lying to them and secretly planning to leave them all and cause them immense pain but I know that is what they would all feel.

Could you provide a hint as to where you ordered it from

 

[autisticbrain13]

i feel the same OP. i haven't yet found a source for SN - especially in the UK where everything seems to be more restricted.

but like you, i pondered the expiration. i like the idea of having a means of getting out if my situation doesn't change.

it's something i feel like ive logically thought through, and i'm aware my ADHD and Autism can make me have big emotions and act impulsively, but this isn't that. if/when i end my life, it will be planned and thought through, not done on a whim.

i am absolutely trying to continue, i'm discussing my feelings with a therapist and one of my lovely work colleagues. but yes, i'm still stuck on this decision. and having SN (when i find a source) would be good to have. a comfort, kept safely in my back pocket should the NHS finally give up on me and my brain gets too much to live with.

sending love OP

 

[copioushopelessness]

I understand and empathize with everything you have said. I felt exactly like you did when I ordered SN. And when it finally arrived and I opened the package, I felt sick to my stomach and had a deep cry because my physical pain and suffering lead me to this point where I have the power to euthanize myself in my own hands. Literally.

Like you, I don't intend to hurt anyone and I feel like an asshole having SN in my possession especially because I'm married and my husband is my caregiver.

I'm doing everything I can to stay here everyday for him. Even though my chronic pain 24/7 is terrible and my chronic illnesses are progressive with no cures. I don't want to live in pain everyday for the next 10-40+ years of my life.

I want to die every single day, but I will continue to keep trying until one day I decide I'm done

I understand having chronic incurable diseases. I'm sorry. Was the sn easy to source?

 

[Xiaojiu]

I understand having chronic incurable diseases. I'm sorry. Was the sn easy to source?

It took a while and work to find it o: If you search hard enough, you will find a source

 

[copioushopelessness]

It took a while and work to find it o: If you search hard enough, you will find a source

A lot of fakes out there I see

 

[final.call]

Having searched for sources in the UK myself, it looks like you now need a business license to purchase SN from official vendors. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong

 

[struggle2025]

Just ordered SN and feeling sick to my stomach. I really didn't think I'd actually go through with it. It will just be a backup in case everything gets too bad, hopefully going to be trying ketamine therapy and I've heard very good things about its potential. I mostly ordered it because there's the law in the US trying to be passed that would make it illegal for non businesses to buy. It seems like it was too easy both to find and purchase... seems too good to be true that I would find it after only a quick Google search when I see so many posts on here about how people can't find it anywhere in the US.

My biggest fear right now is that one of my roommates will find the package before I do and get suspicious possibly even open it and if I was found out it would likely break all the trust anyone who knew had in me before. There would be no way for me to convince anyone that I was buying it just for the comfort of knowing I had an out without the intention of actually using it. No one would believe that even though it's true. It all seems so risky that I might honestly just cancel the order. I can't decide.

I honestly would put myself in the hospital before going through with ctb because of the people I care for, especially my younger sibling who has great ambitions and I know will have an amazing and successful life, no way I will mess that up. Plus if I added up all the hurt of everyone who would suffer from my death it would definitely outweigh the suffering I am experiencing now by being alive.

The SN says it has a 10 year expiration date though so in 10 years when it will likely to totally impossible to get SN especially not legally say everything has only continued to get worse, I will be in my early-mid 30's and at that point I will have an out if nothing helps in the next decade. Buying this seems like such a reasonable step to take, no one knows what the future holds it may be that I live under a dictatorship and can't get out of the country and am being hunted down for being trans, under those circumstances ctb would be the logical next step. The issue is that if someone finds it no one will understand that, no one will be like oh yeah that's reasonable I can't believe I never thought of that, nobody. Besides folks on here but definitely not my friends or family. I just can't stand the feeling of being stuck and backed into a corner, I need to know I always have options. I need an emergency break glass out even if I know I will never use it. I wish that was more understandable. I don't want for people who I care about to feel betrayal if they ever found it, like I was lying to them and secretly planning to leave them all and cause them immense pain but I know that is what they would all feel.

how to source the sn