SN secured. i'm scared

[throwaway3246539]

if you've seen my previous post you know a company i ordered sn from cancelled my order. somehow i managed to find another company and everything went pretty well. i can't believe i'm holding my ticket out in my hands. it says it's 98% pure so hopefully it gets to job done. the plan is to ctb next week.
my body is not excited at all, i have heart palpitations, my head feels like it's about to explode, i'm sick to my stomach, i can't sleep. i guess it's just the survival instinct trying to convince me not to do it idrk. i'm really scared, but i suppose that's normal. realistically i know this is the only thing i can do to stop the pain. there is no other option for me, my life is already over. this is the next logical step. i wish things didn't have to be like this, i wish i could enjoy my existence on this earth. i'm really not happy that i have to do this, but i'm at peace knowing i won't have to suffer anymore

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

There's no rush, but I hope you can manage to relax and feel the relief of having a way out within tangible reach. Congrats on securing your special salt :)

 

[Kualk]

It's in your body's best interest to keep going after all, it might make things easier if you drink some alcohol to make it relax before the deed.
May you find some peace my friend.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Would you be comfortable sharing a little more about what's led you to this decision?

 

[throwaway3246539]

Would you be comfortable sharing a little more about what's led you to this decision?

i don't even know where to start. i've been chronically depressed since i was a kid, don't ask me what the reason for this is because i don't know either. something always felt wrong with me and with my life. i was never like everyone else, i was never capable of functioning like a normal human being. now it turns out i have bpd, which explains everything that felt off all these years. anyone who has bpd can pretty much say that it's absolutely hell living with this illness. i've also been suicidal for about 6 years now. for the last 3 years the only thing that kept me alive was my girlfriend. she made me feel happiness for the first time ever and she gave my shitty life a meaning. well she cheated and broke up with me 2 months ago. since then i can't eat, can't sleep, can't enjoy anything anymore. i think about ctb every single second of the day and i spent all this time planning my exit. i can't keep fighting my illnesses, not without her. i love her more than anything in the world. i'm sorry for bitching i get emotional when i talk about her

 

[FuneralCry]

You are fortunate to have a reliable way to free yourself from this hellish existence, but still, it must be awful having to suffer so much in your remaining time here. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[tolearn123]

if you've seen my previous post you know a company i ordered sn from cancelled my order. somehow i managed to find another company and everything went pretty well. i can't believe i'm holding my ticket out in my hands. it says it's 98% pure so hopefully it gets to job done. the plan is to ctb next week.
my body is not excited at all, i have heart palpitations, my head feels like it's about to explode, i'm sick to my stomach, i can't sleep. i guess it's just the survival instinct trying to convince me not to do it idrk. i'm really scared, but i suppose that's normal. realistically i know this is the only thing i can do to stop the pain. there is no other option for me, my life is already over. this is the next logical step. i wish things didn't have to be like this, i wish i could enjoy my existence on this earth. i'm really not happy that i have to do this, but i'm at peace knowing i won't have to suffer anymore

Can you share details with me in PM of the companies that sell it please

 

[Lone_Traveler90]

i don't even know where to start. i've been chronically depressed since i was a kid, don't ask me what the reason for this is because i don't know either. something always felt wrong with me and with my life. i was never like everyone else, i was never capable of functioning like a normal human being. now it turns out i have bpd, which explains everything that felt off all these years. anyone who has bpd can pretty much say that it's absolutely hell living with this illness. i've also been suicidal for about 6 years now. for the last 3 years the only thing that kept me alive was my girlfriend. she made me feel happiness for the first time ever and she gave my shitty life a meaning. well she cheated and broke up with me 2 months ago. since then i can't eat, can't sleep, can't enjoy anything anymore. i think about ctb every single second of the day and i spent all this time planning my exit. i can't keep fighting my illnesses, not without her. i love her more than anything in the world. i'm sorry for bitching i get emotional when i talk about her

I think you are ready for biggest decision in your life. Unfortunately life can be full of misery and pain even when you try your hardest to fix it. I sincerely hope you find a peace, whether its in life of passing.