SN is on its way. Is it selfish to tie up loose ends?

[BeforeYouFallAsleep]

I managed to get some SN and it should arrive in maybe 1/2 weeks. I haven't gotten a shipment update since 01 Nov, which is a bit concerning but we'll see.

So with the possibility of escape, I get a few thoughts that I never managed to voice to certain people. Mainly a girl who ironically saved my life 2 years ago. We went to school together and now I'm pretty sure we both had a crush on each other. We had pretty frequent contact for the time I wasn't doing too well mentally. That stopped when I had my first stay at a clinic/psych ward. Since then it's mostly radio silence, except for I guess birthday wishes.

I really want to tell her, that I am grateful that she was there for me and am still alive cause of her, but given the fact that I would have the option to ctb soon, I am contemplating if it is selfish to reappear in her life.

It just seems that I never had the chance to say a proper "thank you" and move on, with a lot of these words still unsaid.

 

[𝑪𝒉𝒐𝒄𝒐𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒊𝒄]

im not good at english but i have to say that one should never leave a regret in their life.
as for me, i had several suicide attempts in the past and i sent goodbye & break-up messages to my beloveds before each. i always felt bad and terrible each time i realized that i had failed a trial, and most heartbreakingly, lost someone that had always been so important to me.
so, never leave a single regret, whatever you decide to do and whatever your opinion is!
hope you find your deserved peace. love & hugs

 

[Oathkeeper]

I think as far as reappearing suddenly, just to disappear like that would probably be a little selfish.

But it's very kindhearted of you that you're so grateful to her.

 

[BeforeYouFallAsleep]

im not good at english but i have to say that one should never leave a regret in their life.
as for me, i had several suicide attempts in the past and i sent goodbye & break-up messages to my beloveds before each. i always felt bad and terrible each time i realized that i had failed a trial, and most heartbreakingly, lost someone that had always been so important to me.
so, never leave a single regret, whatever you decide to do and whatever your opinion is!
hope you find your deserved peace. love & hugs

yeah, I think you're right about having no regrets. I don't want to go and still have unsaid words/questions.
And besides that, if I do ctb and don't talk to her I could imagine that there might be guilt and disappointment that he went without saying anything in regards to the effort she put in.

Thank you! and your English is perfectly fine <3

I think as far as reappearing suddenly, just to disappear like that would probably be a little selfish.

But it's very kindhearted of you that you're so grateful to her.

I know that saying: hey btw I'm really grateful for what you did but I might be gone pretty soon, is difficult to balance between being selfish and appreciating the work she put in..
On the other side, I think I would like to know if these months I tried to help him were an absolute waste or not. idk

 

[BackpackBones]

I managed to get some SN and it should arrive in maybe 1/2 weeks. I haven't gotten a shipment update since 01 Nov, which is a bit concerning but we'll see.

So with the possibility of escape, I get a few thoughts that I never managed to voice to certain people. Mainly a girl who ironically saved my life 2 years ago. We went to school together and now I'm pretty sure we both had a crush on each other. We had pretty frequent contact for the time I wasn't doing too well mentally. That stopped when I had my first stay at a clinic/psych ward. Since then it's mostly radio silence, except for I guess birthday wishes.

I really want to tell her, that I am grateful that she was there for me and am still alive cause of her, but given the fact that I would have the option to ctb soon, I am contemplating if it is selfish to reappear in her life.

It just seems that I never had the chance to say a proper "thank you" and move on, with a lot of these words still unsaid.

If you're gonna leave, then you might as well. Don't be hard on yourself if you end up rethinking your options either in life or in your relationship with this individual.
(I'm unsure if you made up your mind, but even if you did I feel like this advice might still apply to you).

Give love to this person, and be self-lenient. Not a lot of people have been in your shoes; so regardless of what you do you should be content that you're doing your best.
"Love so hard you can look forward with optimism and look back without regret"

 

[BeforeYouFallAsleep]

If you're gonna leave, then you might as well. Don't be hard on yourself if you end up rethinking your options either in life or in your relationship with this individual.
(I'm unsure if you made up your mind, but even if you did I feel like this advice might still apply to you).

Give love to this person, and be self-lenient. Not a lot of people have been in your shoes; so regardless of what you do you should be content that you're doing your best.
"Love so hard you can look forward with optimism and look back without regret"

I deeply thank you for your reply!
I'm still trying to find any reason or someone that actually would care about me. So I guess there is still some glimmer of hope, if not I wouldn't think about getting in contact with her and would probably say fuck it, fuck everyone. Rn the SN is a backup in case I can't find anything/anyone to keep trying and/or fail uni.
With "Not a lot of people have been in your shoes" do you mean that I had someone in this dark place?

"Give love to this person"I really want to but I always feared rejection. As an exchange, I'm overthinking all the time if there could have been more.. the signs were there, I was just too stupid to see it back then...
I fear that she will be disappointed that I haven't managed to get well since the last time we met.
I still think there is some affection for her but I doubt it goes both ways.
But I see now that atm so close to the edge, there should be no place for fear and more regrets. Fuck man I guess I don't really have much to lose
I'll try to text her tomorrow and we'll see if she replies
Thank you again this somehow gives me hope <3

 

[BackpackBones]

I deeply thank you for your reply!
I'm still trying to find any reason or someone that actually would care about me. So I guess there is still some glimmer of hope, if not I wouldn't think about getting in contact with her and would probably say fuck it, fuck everyone. Rn the SN is a backup in case I can't find anything/anyone to keep trying and/or fail uni.
With "Not a lot of people have been in your shoes" do you mean that I had someone in this dark place?

"Give love to this person"I really want to but I always feared rejection. As an exchange, I'm overthinking all the time if there could have been more.. the signs were there, I was just too stupid to see it back then...
I fear that she will be disappointed that I haven't managed to get well since the last time we met.
I still think there is some affection for her but I doubt it goes both ways.
But I see now that atm so close to the edge, there should be no place for fear and more regrets. Fuck man I guess I don't really have much to lose
I'll try to text her tomorrow and we'll see if she replies
Thank you again this somehow gives me hope <3

Feels like I can really relate to you.
I'm still getting ahold of my SN but I'm mainly just keeping it for when I've exhausted all my options/ have done everything I needed to do.
I have already made plans and prepared everything for when I'm ready. I'm only staying here so long as I try some new things and don't fail university (pursuing writing classes).

When I said "Not a lot of people have been in your shoes", I meant to say that you have a good opportunity in your hands that a lot people (myself included) wish they had.
In all honesty, I'm still kind of hoping to find some new reason to keep going -even if I've been through this too many times and am getting really tired.
I sense that regardless of your own struggles, you'll succeed in making this situation something really special.

I hope you stay safe and have zero regrets Asleep.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Could you leave her a note or delayed email? Is she likely to find out you CTB? In which case- I think that would be a nice thing to do.

Not too sure about seeing her beforehand. It's so hard to judge. I guess some people may feel grateful to have had that last time with someone. For others though, I imagine it could make the experience more painful if they have fresh memories and feelings.

 

[BeforeYouFallAsleep]

Could you leave her a note or delayed email? Is she likely to find out you CTB? In which case- I think that would be a nice thing to do.

Not too sure about seeing her beforehand. It's so hard to judge. I guess some people may feel grateful to have had that last time with someone. For others though, I imagine it could make the experience more painful if they have fresh memories and feelings.

I could yes. I just feel like I have to do it in person. Maybe that's just me trying to come up with reasons to stay alive..
Since I still have stuff to do and am not 100% sure if I want to go through with it.
And yeah I would hate that seeing her again could make things more painful if I do ctb.
Thank you tho regardless <3

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I think you should, it's a kind message. As long as it's not likely for her to find out that you died.

If you're not 100% sure, maybe you should wait? It's a permanent decision.