sn + fear of surviving

[nails]

i need to die, loneliness and other issues have been eating me alive and i can't handle it living like this. i can't go a moment without thinking about these things and i randomly burst into tears now. i have a hard time even thinking because i just can't clear my head, i'm just constantly flooded with shitty thoughts and reminders that no one likes me and i'm doomed to be alone forever, so annoying.
venting is useless, i just need to die. i failed sn once because i was impulsive and stupid, i'm sure i could succeed if i tried again but i'm still scared of failing. if i live and end up in the hospital, it'll be awful. the guilt will be horrible, i already feel like a failure and those feelings will get so much worse if i feel. and ofc, things will get weird with my family and there might be some issues at my job. i can't even handle how things are in my current state, i can't let things get worse.
i can get a gun, but it'll take quite a long time (for me, at least). i was fine with waiting if i could achieve a near-certain death, but waiting is excruciating. i think i'll just use sn anyway, i can't do this anymore

yes, ik that the consequences of failing with a firearm is significantly worse than failing with sn, but the odds of actually surviving are what i'm concerned with.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I've read a majority of your vent posts, and I always find you relatable. I'm sorry you feel so suffocated. If you need someone to brain dump onto, my DMs are open.