Venting SN by the end of the year

[Mr2005]

I can't take it anymore. There's no point continuing other than to not pass on this curse to my girlfriend. I am in hell and it's all because of crap that happened before I even met her. I wish I hadn't met her, would make this a lot easier but more than that I wish the crap hadn't happened. It didn't have to, I know things could have been different. The life I might have had flashes before my eyes all the time. You regret what you didn't do because you'll always wonder what might have happened if you did. I've no excuses for not doing it other than thinking others would do it for me. They didn't. Call me childish but I don't care what they think when I die. They could have prevented this. Doesn't mean they should. I should have done it. Compared to how hard everything is now it was so easy. I'd embrace it now but there is no second chance. My future was the past. From this point it's just looking back and the effort required to live for no other reason than not to hurt someone as I said. I get nothing out of it. It's all painful. I see ending it as a matter of self respect. Could have been good but it wasn't. Death is final but so's what I did. I'd rather not have to know about it. Can't even sleep anymore and when I do I never want to get out of bed. That's it really. Without a time machine or even the ability to forget it all it's not just the best option, it's the only option. Who would torture themselves for a possible fifty years just to not hurt someone? I'm not strong enough and if she dies first I'll wish I hadn't bothered. All I'm doing is avoiding further grief. There is nothing that makes it worth carrying on. Still here to tie up loose ends. I can't even be bothered but I've got to. In that time something might give me a vague glimmer of hope. I hope it doesn't because it's just cruel. I can't be saved. It's over. I'm one of the few who thinks this was a gift. A gift I threw away years ago. I can't live with that. There's only one thing left to do now

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

I'm sorry you feel like this. I always find your comments really relatable to how I'm feeling. Time is a fucking cruel thing. I don't know if the glimmer of hope you mention is a blessing or a curse.

 

[Mr2005]

It's gone so fast. I thought I had time to waste I didn't. People have died in that time. Friends I always meant to see again that I now can't. I don't know if I owe it them to live or the fact their gone makes me more sure I can too. We all die I just never thought it would be this soon. Unfortunately even if we live a good 80 years the time in which to make that good is limited. It can really all be over fifty years sooner. Basically if I'd known what I know now then I wouldn't have done what I did. All I can do now is warn others but that isn't a life. I've done that. If it was going to save me it would have by now. I don't think anything could ever make up for what I've done. It's so awful I feel ashamed I'm still breathing

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

You mention you have a girlfriend so I guess what you've done is not related to her? Is it something she knows about/you talk to her about?

Whatever it is people are always here, but I'd say most of us probably wish we could all turn back time too. I lost the only good thing I've ever had and I'd give anything to do it all again, even if it turned out the same :(

 

[Meditation guide]

You are bogged down in dwelling on the past which does not actually exist. Your mind is what is torturing you, nothing else.

Take charge of that bad evil mind. It is not you. Tell it to stop tormenting you with things that don't even exist.

All you have is right now. No past. No future.